DD reckons we're not strict enough with DS#2
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(54 Posts)
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Sorry to bleat about DS#2 again
Last night at my parents there was an incident when DS#2 pushed his sister over and made her drop her lego model so that it smashed. She was very upset (understandably) and had a go at DS#2 - ranted on at him for ages! We were in a bit of a hurry, it was raining and dark so I didn't say much to DS at the time intending to have a proper word later. Once we were in the car I told DS off - made him apologise. However DD cried all the way home.
When i was getting her into bed she had a right strop - told me that I was too soft on DS, that he was horrible, and that I must be stricter with him. She is also convinced that he pretends to do things that he can really do because he's 'lazy'. It's no good my telling her that DS#1 was the same at that age - all she can think of is that she wasn't and that DS#2 should be
made to do things. She was very very angry.
Now I can see her POV. He is difficult. And without a doubt his behaviour impacts on all the family. But he is about to be referred to the SENCO as his new teacher has realised there is something not 'right' about his behaviour. And DH and I are run ragged by him and trying to cope with him. Being any 'stricter' would have to involve beating him with a big stick and shoving him in the cellar
How do I deal with this. I can see that she feels shortchanged sometimes and although DS is cute he doesn't give a great deal in terms of affection - it tends to be one-way traffic. When he knocked DD over his first response was 'it wasnt my fault' not that he was sorry for what he's done.
She already tries to 'help' with DS#2 - mainly by bossing him about and shouting at him (which does no good btw). Can we bring her on board in some more positive way.
BTW DS#1 feels similarly - he admits he loses his temper with him (and always apologises afterwards as he knows it makes DS#2 worse) but his life is more outside the house than DD's is. It seems easier for him.
I do hope things improve for you all - thankfully my dd has been finding life easier lately and seems to be getting on much better in yr 3 at school than before (more structured? clearer expectations?). I think that book really helped as much as anything by making me feel less of a crap parent . . .
Hey takver - just come back to say thanks for the recommendation. It arrived yesterday and I started reading it last night. It's all quite recognisable TBH - thankfully DS's 'explosions' aren't violent or abusive (yet). He just tends to scream and sometimes hits things (not people). It's mostly the intransigence and inflexibility that causes the problems - ie everything becomes a fight. A lot of the things he writes are the things I've intuited about DS - you only have to look at his little face when he's refusing to do what we want and things are beginning to escalate, to see that there's more than mere wilfulness going on
He just looks desperate. I just
have to convince DH to read it - he is definitely a Plan A sort of parent
I am only plan A when there are time pressures like school and bed. We both need to work on this I think.
Glad to hear it went OK, Orm - I hope you and DD had a good day together. They do know how to increase the guilt, though, don't they - we had a nightmare day with both DC on Saturday, ending with DS being sent to bed in disgrace (and tears) - Sunday morning he got up, came down, said sorry and gave us hugs and said we were the best parents in the world (which is about as far removed from how we felt as you can imagine
)
WHen I got home DD came and gave me a big tight hug. Didn't say a word. She didn't see the letter till she went to bed and then she gave me another huge hun and said sorry. Which wasn't quite what was expected, but hey. I said sorry too and we are looking forward to a nice afternoon.
I have done that kicking a child who's just kicked another to show them how it feels too, just once. I don't think that's the worst thing a parent can do, though perhaps it's not ideal, it's not something I would feel too bad about.
letter is nice.
I know my dd2 (8) finds it very unfair when we tell her off and other children seem to get away with worse behaviour, but I do keep explaining to her that they aren't actually getting away with it. That it may seem like that but actually Child A (boy with appalling behaviour in her class, we babysit him sometimes, when we can't wriggle out of it) is never invited to parties or people's houses or trusted to go out alone and so it may seem that adults are too soft on him but he does actually miss out because of his behaviour. and so on, Child B (boy who rocks gently under tables rather than join in) isn't actually getting away with not joining in with things that other children have to do, he's being dealt with but after the event.
That all sounds quite long-winded but dd2 does get it, though we have to keep reminding her, that good behaviour in the end IS rewarded in various ways, and bad behaviour DOES mean the child misses out. It takes lots of talking to remind her of this. but it sounds relevant for Orm's dd.
I thought your letter was lovely.
My dd also wouldn't learn from the experience of being late - she would hate being late, she would be utterly regretful at having caused it - but she still wouldn't be any quicker / different the next time (the same is absolutely true of activities that she loves to go to, and waits for all week, not just school).
I don't know the ins and outs of everything with your ds OrmIrian. I'm very sorry you're finding it so tough.
I did make a couple of suggestions there, just from reading this thread. If they aren't helpful they aren't helpful though.
THanks stealth. I thought it was OK too.
dittany - I don't mind her telling her brother off for doing things that she doesn't like. I do mind her saying 'I hate you J, I just really really hate you'. Would you class that as acceptable self-expression towards a younger sibling? And yes, to a certain extent she is going to have to put up with it, just as we do. What can we do dittany that we aren't? Please spend some time with my boy and tell me because I am at the end of my rope.
I think it is fine. As you say - if you apologise, she has to, DS2 has to - the general "I was out of order, I'm sorry, let's move on" sentiment of the letter is clear.
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