i love that you are taking the moral high ground that your child is having illegal under age sex rather than going clubbing...
it's ok to say no to either.
I am 37,I wouldn't expect to shag my dp at my mums house it's a respect thing-they know we've done it at least once but i am not comfortable/desperate to do it when we stay.It's sometimes good to be a mum rather than a friend, and if/when they split up will you let the next one sleep over too?

Naomi, I've said something similar to her, basically that if you're going to have an adult relationship then you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences - making sure no pregnancies & STDs being part of it, along with wondering why he hasn't phoned, if he fancies your best mate etc etc.

It's the first time for her and I think it probably is for him too, they are defo faithful, there is no way he has been out with anyone else while he's been with her - we live in a small town & they spend too much time together. If I thought she saw sex as a 'pastime' like having a game of table-tennis with a chum I would be disgusted & not let her out of my sight.

Something interesting she said the other day - "If I didn't have him as a bf I would be wanting to go out clubbing with X (gf) and looking for a fella" As it is, some of her schoolfriends go clubbing in our nearest city quite regularly, wearing skimpy clothes & drinking. At 14 & 15 ! She hasn't asked to go, which I am very pleased about!

The quesion to ask your DD is, if her boyfriend got her pregnant, would he stay with her? If there's any doubt in her mind they shouldn't be having sex. Can she be 100% sure he doesn't have an STD, and isn't sleeping around? If not she shouldn't be having sex.

I let my daughter's bf start staying over after they had been together a year and I talked with his mom about it first. Do what you are comfortable with but I'm on the side that I'd rather they were home in a safe place. Good luck! Barb

I was 14 when I met my DH (he was 15) and when we got serious about a year later, my mum told me that she didn't want me to have sex before 16 but that when I did want to (before or after 16), to let her know and she would come with me to the dr for the pill. She also told me about the need to wear condoms. I think for extra protection as we had both never slept with anyone else. She would only let him sleep in the spare room if he stayed over. We didn't actually have sex until I was nearly 17 at which time, I went to my mum and she came with me to get the pill. He was allowed to sleep in my room once we got engaged at 19 (he stayed friday and saturday night every week) but was told that we were not allowed to have sex while they were in the house (obviously we did, but my parents were none the wiser). I felt very lucky that my parents were understanding and supportive and it obviously didn't make me run out and have sex straight away. Here the OP's dd is already having sex but I think having supportive parents makes you more careful as you want to keep their trust in you.

I completely agree with not letting them sleep in the same room until they are older. If they really are in love then they will have lots of years sleeping in the same bed. I have after nearly 17 years and 2 dc's later.

Good for you. It won't stop them doing it just because you don't want them to but this way she will still confide in you. I intend to do this with my dd when the time comes.

Perfectly acceptable tos imply say that you don't feel comfortable with it and don't want them sleeping together in your house in this way.

My parents and DH's parents felt like that and it was ok. We were a little older at 16/17y so legal, but their house, their rules. And we respected that - when they we also in

Many thanks MFG, much appreciated.xx

LOL I dont think you can copmare to Alfie, that was ridiculous! You sound such a good mum, lots of my mates weren't even allowed boys upstairs, which meant many lost their virginities in bushes/parks/subways. Pretty gross and dangerous, and not how you want it to be.
As for 16 yr olds doing 'famous five' activities, yeah right, I was chain smoking and working full time! Id love my daughter to be watching the railway children and knitting scarves but its not going to happen. Its hard enough being a teenager (being 22 the memory is only too clear), we dont need to make emotional things more difficult. If she has proved she can be mature (and by calling him her best friend gets thumbs up from me), support her wishes. Good luck x

Thanks to Monkeyface & others for your constructive comments & kind words. My problem was the equating of the tabloid story of Alfie the 12-yr-old (who turned out not to be the father after all) with this situation. Irrelevant.

All I can say to the people who want their dds to be orienteering at 16 is - so do I! Or in her room reading Anne of Green Gables. Some teens will: her twin brother is very sporty & has no time for girls yet. It all depends on the child. Some of her friends have bfs at 14 & 15, many don't, it just happens that she's met someone she calls her best friend and, after 6 months, their relationship became serious. This sex at 15 stuff is a very long way from my own experience and expectation and I'm having to adapt & be way out of my comfort zone.

I, too, would have said "Why make it easy for them?" but changed my mind after advice from MN. My own first experiences of sex were pretty awful. People on here said that if it can be made nice & safe & in your own bed, than that was better than guilt-ridden, shameful and in a bus shelter. And eventually I came to agree. But some have advised that staying overnight is another level, and I agree and thank you for the advice.

I think it's perfectly all right to say 'I don't feel comfortable with you sleeping together in our house', without being naive or encouraging them to do it in a bush. Basically, what you are saying is, I don't agree with this; if you choose to do it anyway, then that is your responsibility.

Otherwise, you are giving the message that this is something I think you should be doing. If you don't think so, don't say so- either in words or not.

I don't think it's ok to smoke so I won't let my dd do that at home, though I know perfectly well that her friends are experimenting behind the school sheds. The fact that I can't stop her if she decides to do it is something totally different from actively encouraging her. Of course, I don't see sex as something as negative as smoking, but I am law-abiding, she knows that, I would not lend my house to anyone breaking the law. If she chooses to break the law, on her head be it. In my house she will limit herself to things I can feel comfortable with.

I think the OP has come to a sensible solution.

I think your solution sounds great.

Don't forget that teenage sex isn't all pressure, fears of pregnancy and the like. I was a very "good" girl as a teenager (in that I didn't do drugs, did very well at school etc etc) and yet I loved sex and frankly would do it as often and in as many places as possible.

As long as she is not feeling pressured into it by a boyfriend and that she can say no, it is possible to have a nice fulfilling sex life with a boy when you are 15. I went out with my boyfriend from 15-17 and our parents are still friends - in fact they came to my wedding (not to their son!).

Sex doesn't magically become normal and ok once you get out of your teens. You can be equally messed up at 25, or perfectly sorted on the issue at 14.

I think its great that shes able to discuss it with you. She is in a healthy relationship with someone she has been with for a year and seems more mature about sexual health than many older women. It is not ideal having sex at 15, but it happens. It is much better she is doing it openly and is able to ask for advice/talk than be doing it in secret as happens so often.

I agree with Yurt.
There are plenty of 15 yr olds who have better things to do than commit themselves to one other person when they could be out and about doing so much in life. These threads always have people who say "they will be having sex anyway" - well, sadly, there are some teenagers who will, but equally, there will be many teenagers who won't. By parents condoning it, IMO it then puts more pressure onto youngsters to be persuaded as it being 'normal' or 'acceptable' when they might be unsure / being pressured wither by boy/girlfriend or peers generally. That's before you take the discomfort factor into account.

Monkeyfacegrace - you are right of course, it is not a given that sex leads to pregnancy

But it is a given that not having sex leads to not being pregnant

I dont get the whole theory behind preferring to allow teenage sex to happen at home rather than "somewhere seedy"
My kids wont be allowed to have sex in my home until they are not teenagers. If they foolishly choose to have sex somewhere 'seedy' then they will probably get cold and be far less likely to do it on a regular basis

Why make things nice and comfy for them - they have a lifetime of adulthood ahead of them - being 16 should be about playing card games, orienteering, messing about, listening to music whatever - but not sex imho

I probably sound horribly naive with that opinion but then my kids are only 5 and 7 - plus I waited until I got married until 'doing the deed' and survived

Don't think anyone was being naive here. The couple are already having sex, kids will do it in a doorway if they want it. I remember it well!

However, allowing two young (under the age of consent) people to share a bed in the parents home was the issue. One night would turn into every weekend. Too much too young. IME.

40 years ago they had to get married to do that.

Words fail me.

I dont get the whole pregnancy thing. As Ive already mentioned, I didnt get pregnant. I used the pill and condoms, and last resort worst case there is abortion. Its not a given that a 15 yr old is going to get up the duff.

So, do you think they won't be having sex again then? Now that they're not allowed to do it at home?

Mrs Mattie, the point is that allowing them to stay overnight together at home normalises behaviour which some people on here (me included) think is undesirable given their young age and the consequences that could follow.

The fact that the bf's parents are paying for them to go out to dinner for the anniversary just shows how young they are and how unequipped they are to deal with the situation should a pregnancy arise. And I do agree with the posters that say allowing them to stay overnight takes the relationship to a much more intense level - bringing the bf/gf into the family - making it more difficult to walk away from.

no
but it makes it harder!

I am amazed at how naive some people on this thread are. You think by 'not condoning' underage sex it won't happen?

I think it was me who mentioned the bush tbh, and the tabloid.

But I accept the apology

The OP and the bf's mum have come to an agreement now and I think you've made the right choice not just for the legal side or the contraception side.

Allowing them to share a room at this is too much pressure on a couple so young. I shared a room with my bf at my mothers house when I was 17. It cemented a bond. Would have found it easier to walk away when the warning signs were there, instead I married him and subsequently divorced. Almost liken it to living together at an early stage, much harder to break away than if you were just dating.

Even though they are serious about it each other, anniversaries etc, would you want your DD to feel pressurised to stay with him if things go wrong.

And isn't that 2/100 an average for all levels of fertility? Because a 15yo has to be A LOT more fertile than average. I bet their contraceptive failure rate is a fair bit higher than 2%.

I have had good friends who became underage teen mums.

I think you are worrying about the wrong thing all together as the real problem may be that condoms are poor protections especially for the youthfully inept/enthusiastic.

2 out of 100 women pregnant in a year and that is the highest level of effctiveness. In studies which have a bias to younger participants the numbers can be as high as 20 per hundred per year. This is off the NHS website:

- Although condoms if used correctly offer reliable protection against pregnancy, you need to use another method of contraception as well. This is so you are protected against unwanted pregnancy or STIs just in case the condom splits or comes off.

I'd be happier with injection or implant as an answer - I have worked with lots of pregnant teenagers who have been really responsible but still got pregnant whilst using condoms or the pill.

Hi,
Ive not read the whole thread, but wanted to share my view. Now Im fully expecting shock here, but Im 22 now, and was with my first BF from 14-19, and we moved in together after my 16th birthday. I was a very mature teenager (long story but had to grow up for various reasons), and we started having sex when I was 14. My mum and I are very close, and she had the opinion that it was better while I was safe, than somewhere seedy and dangerous. We were very open, I went to the dr with her and went on the pill, and she took me to get condoms regularly. I was not going to fall preg like a lot of teenagers, and was fully aware of what the deal was. However, a lot of people I know weren't ready for the emotional side of sex until they were 18+, although it was then 'legal'. Its hard to judge or comment without knowing the individual involved. I actually think the OP is being very responsible and open to discuss it with her daughter, a lot of teenagers would be too scared to talk to their parents and thats where the problems begin.

I agree with Rhubarb. Custy did take the time to offer her advice. Some appreciation of people taking the time to post, even if you dont agree with or find the advice useful, wont go amiss. It is not exactly polite to have a go at people trying to advise.

I still think they are way too young for you to basically encourage them to have sex

If she ends up pregnant I will find it very difficult to be sympathetic

At 16 I reckon orienteering in the woods would be more life enhancing than sex and a future pregnancy/std sorry

Custy was trying to help and she said exactly what I said. If people give you advice on your thread, don't you think it would be better to thank them for the time they put into answering it rather than having a go at them with the face? FWIW I think that face is really bloody rude and deserves a good slapping.

Ok peeps - update.

I've taken a deep breath & phoned the mum. She understood and agreed completely with what I said - she has a younger dd - and we have reached a compromise: DD will stay over and sleep in BF's sister's bedroom, as fortuitously sis is away. As for repeat episodes, we will cross that bridge when they are 16.

Sorry about brusqueness - was PMT I think. Also it was obvious some people hadn't read the OP, (didn't know they were underage) in which case, without all the info how can you pronounce judgement?

I know that they are using condoms, and as I said, I've had several chats with DD to make sure it's EVERY time, and wash hands to ge rid of any 'fluid' etc. As they are also told at school & youth club. Things have moved on in the info dept. since we were all at school - I remember watching a school info film and coming away with the impression that you could get pregnant if a man touched your leg!

I don't see that sleeping in the same bed is more intimate than having sex but that is just my opinion.

I would say no. It is illegal.

a bit brusqe tearinghairout

You did ask...

His parents should be talking to you before asking/allowing her to stay over imo. The fact that they haven't speaks volumes

I think the grounds for saying no are its your house and you don't feel ready to allow that level of intimacy in your home.As they are already having sex and assuming they use protection will you let them when they are 16?

The pregnancy risk is what I thought when reading the thread - his parents paying for them to go out to dinner just underlined how young they are. What if she did fall pregnant? There is a difference between knowing what is going on and actively encouraging/normalising it.

That sounds harsher than I mean it to. But that is, I think, the reality. They are school children and emotionally and financially incapable of managing an adult relationship - with the risk of pregnancy and so on that brings.

Agree Yurtgirl. My ds and his gf had slept together 2x with a condom but were scared that gf might get pg. Gf approached me about contraception and i pointed them in the direction of her mum/GP/Family planning clinic and she had the implant.

So no PG here <crosses fingers>

I wouldnt be worrying so much about the illegal bit

More the possibility that she might get pregnant........

A pregnant teenage daughter is not on my christmas list
Neither do I want my son to get a girl pregnant until he is old enough to support her

But I'm going to say No because, yes, I'm - we're - not happy with the further level of intimacy. So thanks.

I think the stuff you've mentioned about Tabloids and sex Offenders Registers is total scaremongering crap. If he was 50 and not 15 it might be relevant, sorry. And I don't want them to - what was it? "shag in a bush". Yeah, nice. Classy.

Er yes, Custy that link is extremely helpful TBH I don't give a stuff about the law in this case. If someone were forced into it, yes it is relevant. But this is about maturity and two young people who love one another. In some countries I'd be looking at finding her a husband. I don't think the Law is relevant in this case tbh - unless of course I decide to use it in my favour!

Actually I did say this to her once, that the law is there to protect her and was she sure that everything was what she wanted, not being pressured into anything etc.

no sorry
it came out blunter than intended

fete related hangover

"If two under-age teenagers have sex it is illegal but the law is not widely enforced and usually the Crown stops proceedings on the grounds of public interest

&#8212; If parents are aware of their under-age children having sex, they could theoretically risk prosecution for aiding and abetting unlawful intercourse"

from this article in the times -www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article5728807.ece

ah yes i see they are both underage.
No need to put it quite like that though gingerly

as they are both under age i assume it is you who is in the position of trust. and therefore would be prosecuted if they did it in your home

His parents are probably fine with it because they will not have to face the consequences of a pregnant son.

They dont even have to consider teen pregnancy. They may use this as a way of rewarding his "staying power" and "committability", so might have their own agenda in this. I am a little at the parents making such a big deal about this anniversary.

I had sex prior to 16. But my parents never allowed any boy to stay over at my house till after I was 16. And then, we were not allowed to sleep in the same bed. He slept in my room, and me in the guest room. It was up to me when I retired to sleep in the guest room.

It is right that spending the night together in the same bed invites a whole new level of intimacy. Maybe caution will be thrown to the wind. Maybe they run out of condoms and think "what the heck". Maybe he wants sex more than she, or the other way around, and one of them tried to "persuade" the other. Heck, the night is young. Your girl might feel obliged to do things that she in uncomfortable with. And she will be in somebody elses house, and it is night. While she may be mature enough to cope with "the odd stolen fumble and shag", she might not have the emotional maturity to handle staying the night.

And until you have discussed with his parents, I dont think any staying over should be encouraged. You dont even know that they HAVE discussed it with his parents and that she really IS invited.
For all you know it is a case of them telling his parents "yeah sure, Lindas parents are fine with it, in fact they asked if we wanted to"

Wel tbh custardos point is not that good as he wouldnt be prosecuted for that.

Custardo's point about Lad getting himself onto Sex Off. Register is very good one, I'd go with that as Why Not: you can't be seen as condoning him taking that risk.

What will be the special celebration thing they get to do when they are both 16, since by then sleeping around at each other's won't be that special any more, will it? That'd be my other point to her.

We adults know that the chances of this relationship lasting another year are low, the chances of it lasting a whole lifetime are virtually nil. Keep that in mind, whatever you say to her.

Ds1 has been told that if he and gf split up there will be no other girls allowed to stay until it is a serious relationship. EG at least 6 months.

I never thought i'd be the kind of mum who allowed it but when it came down to it outside/in mates houses was not what i was comfortable with. Ds1 and i are v close and he still tells me everything.

Not sure i will allow ds2 the same freedoms. Will depend on whteher he matures like ds1.

I think you have to be true to yourself. Also I always think how this would look if reported ( worst case scnario) in a tabloid If omething happened that was news worthy

"Mrs Tearinghairout(43) would let her UNDERAGE daughter stay overnight with her bf depsite her being under the age of consent"

etc

right sorry - i see they are having sex - i think "it's illegal" would be my standpoint

and please tell your dd - that her BF could get into serious trouble if they were reported and he was arrested - he could be put on the sex offenders register - and ridic ulous as it may seem - he could be banned from going into many many careers of choice.

They'll just spend more time at the boyfriend's house. And in 6 months time what will the argument against it be then? Can you pretend to really, really like the boyfriend to put her off him and dump him

Yes well then at least you arent condoning it.
i do think that you have to show some effort at obeying the law! If htey want to break it then let them shag in a bush or wherever - otherwise its a bit weird
i Mean fgs his mum sounds like she may as well book em a room

ew

Tinker, it's not her who feels uncomfortable talking about it, it's me! And her dad.

She keeps things private, but isn't embarrassed. Me, I'm... '"oO, that's a nice cloud up there!"

Mrs Mattie, yes, I recognise that scenario. Thanks to you all, I have to go but will check back later. I think I will say No. But still can't really explain why. But thanks, you have helped me clarify my thoughts.

i wouldn't allow it and even though i have the best relationship with my dd ( i am v lucky) becuase it's against the law would be the reason i use.

i'm not quite clear what you are saying - are you saying - they have sex anyay - but can he stop the night and do it at your house?

i think in that case - then i can't see what the problem is - becuase if they are having sex anyway - you can't put a cork in it now!

but i wouldn't allow my kids to be fucking under my roof

ds was 19 and his girlfriend moved in before i allowed that to happen.

sounds like your a great 'open' supportive mum - well done you

Gingerly if they were doing it in a bus stop it would still be illegal. I didn't want ds1 to have to do it outside.

and FWIW

NO WAY under 16 in your house.

its not right.

Yes i think there is a LOT of pressure going on from him and his family.
I woudl explore this first.

Ginger, her word not mine. She's been on about it for ages, what to buy him etc. His mum is paying for them to have a meal out 'on their anniversary'. But you're right in that it's all a bit serious, but then it IS a whole year!

My mum used to let my boyfriend stay at mine and me stay with him if his mum was there when I was 15. She took the approach that if I was sexually active, better she knew and we could talk about it. She even came to the clinic with me to discuss contraception and sexual health. Her attitude meant I grew up with a very mature, healthy attitude to sex. She probably didn't like the thought of me having underage sex, but she knew that her not liking it wasn't going to stop me doing it.

However, I think you should go with your instincts about your DD and her BF, and be true to your own values.

Anniversery?? It is funny yeah but ds1 and his gf just had their 3rd anniversary in April this year.

Actually, that's a good point - no mature conversation = not mature enough for staying over.

Rhubarb, we've moved on from the 'she's having sex' bit. I was much older when I first did it, & her being a little quiet thing I didn't think she'd be having sex at 15. When I found out I was floored - but I came on MN and got some sage advice about making it a happy time rather than guilt-ridden and sleazy. They've been together for a whole year, and have been faithful to each other, are in Luuurve apparently, DYSWIM?

I spoke to both dc together and then her parents. I also spoke to them together about contraception etc. If they/your dd can't have a conversation about it then i would say no to staying over.

listen to you.. "anniversary"?!
no pressure there then?!

What, a grown-up discussion with the dch and both sets of parents?

I have had two children, I can remove big spiders from the bath, but I don't think I'm that brave. Feel a bit faint, actually

Ds1's gf's parents and i spoke about stuff before she stayed here. I wouldn't be letting either of them stay over until you all (the dc included) have a chat about it.

Yes, of course his parents know, unless they are totally naive. they have, apparently, offered for her to stay round there. They are 'fine with it'. I have met, and like, them, but have only talked about the weather & can't raise this easily. When Iasked DD where she would be sleeping I got a 'Dunno' but I'd bet my last square of dark chocolate that no-one will be on the sofa. But then, she's not their DD is she?

Tinker, yes it's stalling. But when she's 16 I'll only have 'I don't like it' as reason won't i?

It's your house, your rules. They have to respect that.

Do his parents know they are having sex?

You can use the "it's against the law" argument for now but that's just stalling as I guess (maybe?) the OP will still feel the same when they are 16. Well, I know I would

My ds1 and his gf have been staying at each others houses since around the same age. I am ok with it now (they are now nearly 18 and nearly 17) Wasn't quite so fine at the time but i was like you,would rather they were safe and taking precautions etc than in bus stops.

There will be folk along who don't agree but you have to decide. If you are not comfortable with it then you can say no but don't say no because of what others may say. It's nowt to do with anyone else!!

Because it's a whole new level of intimacy, sharing a bed (assuming they would be sharing )

I wouldn't be happy with my dd or ds having sex at 15. They are still children and I don't buy this 'oh everyone is doing it!' So what? I'll give mine the old contraception talk sure and if they choose to do it somewhere else I can't stop them. But I certainly wouldn't encourage it by allowing it in my home.

It is against the law. You could be prosecuted for allowing it.

Aargh, I am dreading this scenario. Really don't know what's for the best and would be the same as you - a No without any logic.

I was only allowed to sleep with a boyfriend in my mum's house when we'd had a baby together. Obviously, don't suggest that to your daughter (I was 40 btw)

Because it's against the law.

What do his parents think?

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. But try to explain WHY not, exactly, and you end up questioning yourself. She does it at 7pm, why not let her stay at his house?

Do what you think is best.

I was never allowed to have any boyfriend staying the night with me in my bed. A serious boyfriend (we were together for over 2 years) had to sleep in the study, my DH2B STILL sleeps in the study when we visit them. Their house, their rules - I don't question it, other people have no right to either.

LOL I remember telling my mum that sex isnt something people only do at night

If your not happy with it, dont do it. Your house, your rules. My mum never allowed my BFs to stay over and even the night before me and DH flew out to get married, and we stayed at theirs (driving to airport) we still had to have seperate rooms.

DD is 15.7 and she's been going out with her BF (15.6)for almost a year. He seems a nice lad, quiet & gentle, polite, but he doesn't say much, plus I feel a bit uncomfortable with the stuation so I can't claim to really know him. They were 'first love' and took it slowly, got serious around January time. They spend plenty of time alone together in her bedroom and his. I would rather that than behind the sheds, or whatever (my own miserable experience). She & I have had several talks and she says they ram 'that stuff' down her throat at school/youth club, says they are taking precautions & she is sensible, and I believe her.

So, this anniversary. She wants to sleep the night with him, at his house. I've already told her that I'm not comfortable with him sleeping here yet. Why not? Can't give any more of a reason, really. Her dad says No, feels same as me, and that when people ask how she spent her anniversay & she says ' ' then... well, not on, is it?

So the uptight mother says no, but the rebel in me thinks 'Stuff what people think'.

Help!