My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Remind me why I mustn't smack DD

28 replies

dilemma456 · 10/05/2009 09:23

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Report
dilemma456 · 10/05/2009 09:24

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Report
thesockmonsterofdoom · 10/05/2009 09:24

how old is she, she sounds like a handful this morning, is she always like this, you have my deepest sympathies, can you get out of the house and run some of that energy off somewhere?

Report
thesockmonsterofdoom · 10/05/2009 09:25

Oh and you mustnt smack her because it will make you feel worse than her so completly pointless (I know all the other stuff but that ios the basic right now).

Report
Overmydeadbody · 10/05/2009 09:26

Smacking her will not prevent her from behaving this way in the future, it will just be an outlet for your emotions and frustration.

You're better off beatig a large pillow for a bit to vent your frustration

Smacking her will make her feel humiliated and hurt by you, and may even make her more cross and determined to not listen to you.

HTH

Report
Overmydeadbody · 10/05/2009 09:27

and yes, you have my deepest sympathies too! Just take lots of deap breaths and repeat "this too will pass".

Could you both get out today, to the park or for a walk? Maybe getting out of the house will help and then you can both start fresh?

Report
flamingobingo · 10/05/2009 09:27

how old is she?

Don't deal with it by smacking, but don't send her to her room either, or confiscate toys. None of those things work (as you are finding out!).

If one of mine did those things, I'd tell them firmly not to, and give her lots of cuddles. If she's constantly demanding cuddles, I wonder if she's testing you (that's why most children 'misbehave') - checking that you love her unconditionally. To her eyes, you don't love her when she mucks about (because you put her away from her, and don't cuddle her, understandably), which makes her insecure, which makes her test you more.

Smacking is also counterproductive, and models an unpleasant way of losing ones temper (btw, we all do it from time to time, but it's not best practice really! )

You may find she behaves more nicely if you tell her why she shouldn't do things, and give her a cuddle at the same time. You shouldn't need to punish her IMO and IME.

If you can get hold of a copy of How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish and/or Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, reading those might help.

Report
dilemma456 · 10/05/2009 09:29

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Report
Overmydeadbody · 10/05/2009 09:30

It sounds, re-reading your post, like maybe she is just desperate for your attention (remember with children negative attention is better than no attention), so maybe just setting some time aside this morning for some proper one to one attention with her would help?

Report
piscesmoon · 10/05/2009 09:30

Smacking won't change it. You need to give the age before people can give strategies.

Report
thesockmonsterofdoom · 10/05/2009 09:31

maybe she is coming down with something, my dd's are always awful before they come down with something, and i get so angry and then i feel awful.
adn you are not a proper mother until you have been told that they hate you, get a cup of tea and chat about mindless crap on here while ignoring her.

Report
twinsetandpearls · 10/05/2009 09:31

Because she will be paying for your retirement home.

Report
dilemma456 · 10/05/2009 09:32

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Report
piscesmoon · 10/05/2009 09:32

Sorry you have given her age. I agree that she is attention seeking and to some DCs any attention is better than none. I would give her attention when she is being good-(it is very tempting to leave alone then but don't).

Report
TrinityIsLovingHerLittleRhino · 10/05/2009 09:35

I agree that sending to her room wont help
she isn;t going to suddenly get happy and well behaved after being banished
why not get something out to do together
puzzles, read a book
sounds like she is desperate for your attention

and I second the possibility that she is coming down with something too
keep your eye out

Report
twinsetandpearls · 10/05/2009 09:36

3 is much harder than 2.

DIstraction is the best thing, I would often bung dd in the bath when she was getting difficult. Not wise if you think she is ill. Maybe that is why she hates baths now.

Report
flamingobingo · 10/05/2009 09:37

Cuddle her, and cuddle her. Then read a book with her. And then cuddle her some more. Then do some drawing with her. When she does something unpleasant say 'X, we do not do that in our house, please stop now', while you're cuddling her, and give her a kiss.

Report
dilemma456 · 10/05/2009 09:38

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Report
twinsetandpearls · 10/05/2009 09:39

dilemma we have all been there, you leave the room rather than her. Can you go out in the garden?

Report
flamingobingo · 10/05/2009 09:41

Dilemma - in that case, I think you did completely the right thing! Removing a child to protect them is completley different to removing a child to punish them. Just make sure you're honest and explain how angry you are.

The new Elizabeth Pantley book - No Cry Discipline Solution has a section on parental anger, as does the book Liberated Parents, Liberated Children by Faber & Mazlish.

I struggle with anger too

Report
cory · 10/05/2009 09:50

I found this age tremendously hard work to tell the truth. Every other age has been easier. It will pass!!!

Report
StercusAccidit · 10/05/2009 09:52

Because if you smack, YOU lose control.

AND you will feel guilty

And she will feel hurt and humiliated

She won't know what she's been hit for, and will remember that you hit her rather then why it happened.



Take her out to a park or something, let her run off steam, the only time you should lay any hand on her is to give her a cuddle and tell her you love her xx

Report
StercusAccidit · 10/05/2009 09:53

AND because she will be choosing your old folks' home

Now breathe

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

mollyroger · 10/05/2009 09:59

This sounds insane, but it has worked for me when I am at the end of my parenting tether and losing control....

Pretend you are being filmed for a reality tv parenting programme and imagine how you will be coming accross to the audience if you shout/scream/get rough/lose control.

It has brought me to my senses more than once when I was really struggling with an incredibly high-maintenance and difficult toddler.

It made me calm down and speak softly and gently and summon up enough patience and resources to distract/divert/change the pattern we were both in.

Report
TheNatty · 10/05/2009 10:01

i have just put my 3yo in his room for having a huge tantrum over something minor. also did it cos i am at the end of my tether this morning, he woke up distructive and angry.

i second that putting the child in their room to stop you from smacking. thats exactly why thomas is in his room now.
i will go up to him once he has calmed down and explain i put him in his room so we could both calm down, and now he is calm would he like to do painting/playdough/building blocks.

rewarding the stopping of the tantrum, yet not punishing him as such.

hold on in there

Report
QueentessentialShadow · 10/05/2009 10:07

Is she often like this when your dh is away?
Is he away a lot? For long periods of time?

I agree with the softly softly approach of just explaining why it is wrong, and giving lots of reassurance. My kids would always act up and behave out of character when dh was away.

My oldest (2 1/2 at the time) would on one occasion search the house, look under the stairs, and open the front door and call out for daddy. That is when I realized how unsettled him being away made him.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.