Separation effects on child ... advice please

[fernfrost]

I am looking for a bit of advice ? or maybe a good book to read about when parents separate. We separated 6 months ago.

We have a daughter of 5. An only child. Her father lives in Germany and they have a wonderful day together and a few more hours elsewhere at the weekend. Full attention, presents and fun. I am left with all the discipline and my daughter and I are sort of ?used to each other ? no novelty factor

I know children can be manipulative and so I accept that. ?Daddy says I can do anything I like? etc. But sometimes she says things that hurt and are hard to ignore. It must be hard having two people you love not loving each other ? and although we have probably had fewer arguments than most there has been no affectionate times she has seen between us.

I just want to know how children generally react to parents separating? Is it natural for some anger to come out on one parent ? and to be expected that be me since she lives with me and I have all the hard work to do?.

I notice sometimes that when she is being rude to me this hurtful daddy bit will surface soon after. Not always. As if she carries him in her head at that time ? and of course cries for him then in a temper if I have told her off. ?I do love you sometimes but I cant help just loving Dadda all the time!? ? a few weeks ago. But he isn?t here all the time!

I have been trying for 3 years to teach her to swim. We say ?xyz?. A few weeks ago she went with daddy and when I was talking tonight about our swimming tomorrow she said ?last time I went with daddy I did the xyz!?. I said ?great ? we can do that tomorrow!? She said ?I only want to do it with my Dadda ? not with you?.

I try so hard to ignore it when it happens but I was hurt and I wondered should I show that? I did and told her I was hurt and got up and left the room. We were going to sleep. Then she started crying and putting out her arms and saying ?cuddle?. She was upset but I told her that we should not hurt people?s feelings. She then said ?I like living with you because Daddy brings me presents ? and you do too?.

She obviously is thinking about which of the two she is actually living with and why. She also sang a song recently ?when I am 17; I am going to go to Germany ?? She can only have got that from her father? That is the legal age when she would be able to do that. That worried me.

She often seems a little manipulative and knowing for a just-turned 5 year old.

Any ideas or help? Is this normal?

Should I just ignore all of it? I want to do what is in her best interests but I have got a negative force and spiteful person out of my life ? it feels like Village of The Damned to be having it still with me at these times? Living on in the form of the daughter. I have heard it said that if a child sees a parent treat you with lack of respect they will do so also. And he even shouted at me in public again the other day.

I am hoping that with minimised contact she will forget our negative interactions.
Could she feel a bit rejected too since it is evident that I have rejected her father ? as well as the vv? Last week she hit her arm and said ?I hate myself, I am not a nice person?. I told her that she was nice but that if we do things that are not nice then it is ok that we don?t like ourselves at that moment. So long as we think about it and don?t do it again that is all that matters.

She laughs a lot and is not unhappy. This has not happened before or since and I am careful to think of her development always without over-analysing. Children do have a lot to learn and do odd things sometimes and I think it best not to be too heavy about anything.

I would value some general advice though.
Thanks.

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

There are lots of different factors that influence how well a child reacts to parents' separation. It's also true that children of parents who live together can sometimes play one parent against the other: it's fairly normal behaviour.
Just do the best you can which is what everyone, single or coupled, does as a parent. Your DD will be fine.