When do you admit that you can't really control who your children are friends with?

[motherconfusion]

A slight situation developing which I'd really like some wise words on...

DD1 is 4 (just). We live in an area where there are lots of children, which is great, and my DD is friendly with quite a few local kids. All very lovely.

The thing is that there is one little girl locally who she is also friendly with and I really don't want my child playing with her too much. I have to admit that the reason for this is basically snobbery so I'm probably (and deservedly) about to be flamed.

The little girl in question is quite sweet, but I'm really not very comfortable with her being good friends with my DD, for several reasons. Firstly, we live in a quiet cul-de-sac and this little girl (she's about the same age as my DD) is often out to play by herself unsupervised - my DD is not allowed out to play in the street without me. Because this little girl is on her own she hangs out with quite a few of the older kids (8/9) and I have seen her be quite aggresive, not, I think, because she is nasty, but just because she can't cope with the older kids.

I think it's fair to say that this girls mother and I are very VERY different. I've tried to say hello to her and chat a few times, but she really isn't interested - she just says a few words then goes back into her house and leaves her daughter to it.

The main problem is that my DD often asks out to play with this girl and I have to say no because I have something to do in the house or am busy with DD2 (who is 18 months). And I really don't want the little friend in the house as I have a feeling she will end up here all the time, and the one occassion she did come in I found it very hard to keep on top of the situation.

Do I just have to accept that kids make their own friends and let my DD get on with it? Or do you think it is reasonable to put a bit of a lid on the friendship (I don't mean that she can't see her at all, just that I don't want her hanging out with her all the time).

Do i even make any sense?

thanks if you've got this far.....

[OrmIrian]

Yes you do have to accept that she will make her own friends. But there is no reason why she has to come in all the time or that your DD has to play out with her all the time. Limit it a bit. She's still young enough for you to do this IMO.

The real crunch starts at primary when you may well not even know the child before being asked to have them round to play, and you almost certainly won't know the parents. And it will get harder to keep saying no to the invitations and to your DD's desire to have play mates back home.

[motherconfusion]

thanks for the replies - I think in my OP I've somewhat glossed over part of the reason for my not really wanting this girl over to play much. I don't know her mother at all, but what I do know of her she seems very (and this is a horrible way of describing a person so I apologise) rough.

It's classic broken telly in the garden, and row of beer bottles outside the door.

And I really don't know her at all. The only reason I know her daughter is because she is hanging around on the street all the time - and this is a PRE-SCHOOL child. Maybe I'm being naive, but in my book that is far to young to be out on her own. She doesn't have any brothers or sisters so that isn't the reason she is let out to play.

[Sorrento]

I think you have a lot of control at the age of 4.
You have to decide if your going to basically ban your child mixing with her but is she likely to end up at school, primary or secondary with your DD ? If so it might be better to take the girl under your wing and mould her the best you can.
I always meet the parents before my child goes to anyone's house to play and if I'm honest they only go if the parents are childcare workers, teachers, doctors, nurses etc because then I know they have an enhanced CRB check.
And if an unknown comes to mine to play if they aren't on their best behavior they don't get an 2nd invitation.

[pointydog]

I accepted it from day one. I often find it surprising that so many parents don;t accept it.

[piscesmoon]

I actually think that it is a good thing that you can't have control. It is a gradual thing-you can have total control at 4 but you gradually have to let go entirely over the years. If they have to have a CRB check, Sorrento, it cuts out the majority of parents!

[piscesmoon]

Do you assume that they have a CRB or ask to see it?

[piscesmoon]

Do you assume that they have a CRB or ask to see it?

[Sorrento]

I've never asked to see it but i feel it's a fairly safe bet if they are working in a nursery setting or a school that they have got one.
It's not compulsory to have one to be friends with my child, but I wouldn't leave my child alone with them unless I was confident they'd been checked out.

[piscesmoon]

I just go with gut feelings-lots of lovely people don't have one.

[Sorrento]

True, but lots of pedophiles appear to be lovely people, not a chance i'm prepared to take.
I know you can't be 100% sure, ever, but i'm very risk averse.
I don't have one and it amazes me the number of people who allow their children to trot off into the sunset with me, have sleep overs too.

[ICANDOTHAT]

Sorrento don't bet on it. I worked in my ds's infant school for a year and was often alone with the children - they never asked me to complete a CRB form. I did bring it to their attention once and the HT said "Oh, you don't need one, you're a parent". CRAZY!!

[Sorrento]

You worked as in were employed ?
I find that quite hard to believe after the Soham case, DH wanted to volunteer at our school and had to complete a CRB to go on a school trip.

[OrmIrian]

One thing that surprised me was how the DC eventally gravitate towards 'nice' children At 12 DS#1 has a selection of really good mates all of whom are 'people like us'.