Cant leave my child with a babysitter - help

[Broodymomma]

Ok have never talked about this but have to for my own sanity. As a 7 year old i was abused by a babysitter and her boyfriend. Fast forward a good few years and I have a gorgeous 2 year old son. I thought i was over it all but i just dont have it in me to leave him with a babysitter -even friends i know and trust. As my parents never done anything about what happened to me when i told them it sticks in my throat now to leave ds with them as i cant help but feel they never stopped what happened to me so why should i trust them to care for my ds. I know thats crazy and they would never let harm come to a hair on his head but im finding it so hard.

DS is now just over 2 and i have never left him with anyone barr them or my mil. DH and i never go out together as i cant bring myself to leave ds at nights although i do feel happy leaving him with my cm during the day. Its starting to make me feel like i have serious issues and i need to start trusting people but i just cant bring myself to do it. Any advice?

[patspeed]

Hi

Its very understandable how you feel

not sure if this will help

a few years ago DS made a new friend, I asked him round after school, it all went great and I became great friends with the boys mum

turns out she had been abused by a babysitter when she was young and had never let him go on play dates but as I was a single mum she felt she had to take the chance

it worked well for her as he now goes on play dates the same as all the other kids in Ds's class

just an idea

good luck

[Acinonyx]

I have different issues but the same problem. Dd went to nursery but never had a babysitter until she was 3. After that, we have had one of a pair of good friends to exchange babysitting just 3 times. Before that, we had not been out together at night.

It has to be someone I really know and trust, and someone dd knows well. If you are OK with this is a couple I don't think it's such a bad thing to wait. I felt much more ccomfortable once dd was talking.

In your shoes, I would not feel like leaving him with your parents either. Are there any friends that you feel you could trust? Would it help to wait until your ds is talkingmore? What dos your dh think?

[Supercherry]

Broodymomma, I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you when you were younger. Given the circumstances, it is completely understandable that you have such anxiety about leaving your DS.

Have you thought about getting some counselling? Have you told anyone in RL apart from your parents?

[Broodymomma]

My dh knows but thats it. My parents just brushed it under the carpet as it was their friends daughter and her boyfriend and at the time i presume wanted to believe i was making it up. Anyway thats all a long time ago but its totally the reason i know i just hate to leave him. I never really thought about perhaps i will feel better when he can talk but even then the thought of leaving him just fills me with dread. I am happy when he is at my mil's but often my friends will say get a sitter and come out - or my pal has an 18 year old daughter who was my bridesmaid and i have known her$ since she was 5 he often volunteers her so we can all go out but i just cant do it. People are starting to get peed off with me and i know its becoming an issue.

Im not sure about councelling, it may be something i should look in to. Since having ds and watching the relationship he has built with my parents in a way it makes me angry or i suppose jealous. They adore him and him them but i cant help but feel you never protected me so why should i trust you will protect him. In my head i know thats crazy but i cant hekp how i feel.

[Acinonyx]

It's not all crazy - most people would feel exactly the same about your parents. That's not something you forgive and forget without being properly heard in the first place.

And I would never leave dd with a sitter I didn't know VERY well - no matter how old she was. And I would never use a local teenager either because I remember a couple of things that happened when my teenage friends were babysitters.

You are not crazy. Do these friends all have kids? Some people make it sound so easy to get a sitter but there are many threads on her about people who have no-one to babysit.

What other people do wrt to sitters is their business - but it is not crazy to worry about your child being left with someone. I just explain that I'm not comfortable with a sitter dd doens't know really well and people get used to it even if they do roll thier eyes a bit.

I recommend counselling anyway though. I have alsorts of similar baggage from being in care as a baby and it does help.

[Supercherry]

It is terrible that it was brushed under the carpet. Is there any way you would contemplate reporting it to the police all these years later? Would getting justice help do you think?

[smellen]

Broodymomma. Don't feel bad about caring so much for your own child's welfare. I would like to think that all parents took as much care over choosing a babysitter as you do.

In the meantime, if you and your OH are happy to stay at home in the evenings, don't let other people make you feel awkward about that. If it helps, lots of other parents are in a similar boat because they don't have close friends or family living nearby who they would feel comfortable leaving their LOs with. Or they can't afford babysitters & nights out. We try to get out together as a family in the day on a weekend, or invite people round to eat at home, rent movies or take it in turns to go out with friends. It's not ideal, but it's just how it is.

That said, I don't mean to brush off the real root of your problem. It does sound as if you are still suffering from what happened to you as a child, so perhaps some sort of counselling would help. It is totally understandable that you have trust/anger issues with your own parents - it is incredible that they didn't act when you disclosed the abuse to them. Perhaps some sort of family mediation would help you get the bottom of this with them too.

[Acinonyx]

Something we do - about every 3 months dh and I take a day of midweek to have lunch (somewhere dd would hate!) and maybe go to the cinema - a chance for us to go out just the two of us.

[Broodymomma]

Thanks everyone. If im honest it does not bother me much not going out at night i think it gets to dh more. We do stay at his mums sometimes and go out where she lives. Its more that i worried i was not normal being so paranoid about leaving him with sitters (ds not dh ha ha).

I dont think there would be any point in attempting to have them charged now. I dont even know his last name. My parents still know her family but my parents are very much sweep uncomfortable things that make them look bad right under the carpet like it never happened. I was eleven when i told my mum in a letter. My friend at the time had been raped by her grandfather and spoke to my mum and my mum was so good with her that i decided to tell her what happened to me. Mega wrong thing to do as she read the letter and came in furious with me calling me a lier and saying did i want social services crawling round as that is what would happen so i should think very carefuly. At such a young age seeing her so angry i was scared and never spoke of it again. A few christmases ago i got blind drunk and asked her why they never done anything about it when i told them and told her how much that hurts me that they let them filthy people away with what they done (was never raped thank god but everything else). All she done then was scream at me i had ruined xmas and how could i do that to them after all they had done for me!!! She then never spoke to me for weeks then when she did it was once again brushed under the carpet. I thought i could until i had ds but its come back to haunt me massively now.

Sorry for blurting all this out apart from dh this is the frist time i have spoke of this and its nice to be anonymous and be able to talk. Thanks x

[Acinonyx]

I really think you should get some counselling irl. I'm sorry your mum is so defensive - I guess the closer she comes to having to accept that she was wrong the angrier and more defensive she gets.

There's nothing like having your own dc to make you revisit your own upbringing.

[Supercherry]

Broodymomma wanting to protect your DS and worrying about leaving him with sitters is totally normal. You're his mother, if you don't protect him then who else will? I would never leave my DS, 14mths, with someone I didn't completely trust. I'm very lucky, my MIL is a gem, my mum and sister are great too- I trust them completely but I still used to get anxiety when I left him for an hr or so when he was younger.

I think you must be a really strong lady to have coped with what happened to you all these years. It must have been heartbreaking that you didn't have your mother's support. Whatever her reasons she was wrong not to support you. How you can come to terms with this I don't know. I don't have the experience or knowledge to give advice. I just feel so angry and sad for you. RL counselling is probably the way forward. There are mumsnetters who have been through similar but you would need to start a thread with a different title in relationships maybe? Either way keep on posting and talking about it. I'm sure it can only help.

[stayinbed]

this is no joke - i can count on one hand the number of times my mother left me with a sitter until i was 15 years old.

i don't think any of those times were until i was at least 9 (i remember the sitter at the new house).

when i grew up i thought that was a really wonderful thing of her, so don't worry, you probably won't mess with your child's head by never leaving him with a stranger.

it does sound like you want to adress this issue however, and feel more confident with the situation, so speaking to someone (anyone - friend, professional, strangers with common concerns on mn etc) might help you get started...

[hedgiemum]

I have so much sympathy for you. I agree with others that some form of counselling may help you. It is terrifying as a parent to realize that we cannot protect them from everything all the time. All we can do is use the information we've got to make decisions which seem most appropriate, and then be our childs fiercest advocate if anything goes wrong. Counselling may help you to deal with this realization, and the practical ramifications that come out of it as she gets older (starting school, play dates, sleepovers, overnight schooltrips etc..)

[PintandChips]

broodymomma, i think it's absolutely fine not to leave him with anyone if you don't feel comfortable with it, especially given what happened to you when you were left in that situation.

but it might be very wise to think about getting some counselling - the sexual abuse of a 7 year old child is a terrible thing and not something that you should be expected to come away from unscathed, although you seem to have coped very well over the years. if you parents had had the sensitivity to believe you when you told them (i find it shocking that they didn't, as no doubt you do), you would have had the opportunity to get counselling at the time. Your parents denied you that by not having faith in you, and added to the pain you were already suffering by calling you a liar. It makes me very angry, and i guess i am imagining that you must feel angry too, and that counselling would help with that. Without it, it's possible that these feelings might manifest in other ways - perhaps becoming over protective as your little one gets older, or making it difficult for you to be relaxed about your child's relationship with your parents, who you don't trust for obvious reasons - which he will notice more as he gets older, but won't understand why. of course none of this will definitely happen, but maybe it's best to seek help now if you can, so you can move forward positively.

[Broodymomma]

It is just the thought of sitting looking at someone and telling them all this. Its fine on here as i am sat behind a computer screen and you dont know me i just dont know if i could do it face to face. I think i have been so programmed into thinking its all a lot of rubbish and i have never to mention it again so the feelings it has brought out since ds was born have just shocked me. I would not even know how to go about finding a councellor let alone if i could go through with it.

I know the biggest issue is how i feel towards my parents - i love them but cant help how negative watching them shower love on ds. My dad is elderly now and my mum is in bad health so there would be nothing to gain now from me trying to talk to them. In my heart i just need to know why they did not help me. Its like my mum has totally wiped it from her memory.

Sometimes i think its been there all these years why is it popping into my mind now but i suppose thats whats having children does it makes you look at your own upbringing and i know now i will do everything in my power to ensure ds is nevrer hurt - just have to work out how to do that without smothering him.

[PintandChips]

Broodymomma, i had some real issues with my mum and reached a point where i was finding it difficult to have a relationship with her at all... i started seeing a counsellor and it really helped me work my feelings out. I eventually told my mum i was seeing a counsellor and explained why, which was a disaster, she just made me feel really guilty for accusing her of not being a good mother, i wish i hadn't bothered trying to talk to her about it directly. What really did help me was talking to the counsellor to get some perspective and helped me to understand what my mum's motivations in her parenting might have been so that i felt able to understand and sort of forgive a lot of things. At that point I was able to stop being angry and start to have a better relationship with her. It took a long time, but we're there now and i'm grateful for it.

i'm not saying it's the right thing for everyone but it worked for me. you can find a local counsellor or therapist here, or ask your GP for a referral.

[Acinonyx]

I had counselling with someone I found from a leaflet at my local library. Actually I went to see 3 different ones and chose this one (some counsellors are a better match than others). I'm sure your gp could refer you though - only that can take a long time depending on wating lists and you can't choose your counsellor (it's free though which is a mjor consideration).

You don't need to tell them everything on the first day - you may need to get comfortable with them first. It does realy sound as though this is something you need to do.

[ChocFudgeCake]

Broodymomma, I have this kind of issues too. Even before having children I decided I would protect them as much as I could (given that my parents didn't protect me very well). DH does put some pressure on me, so we have left them with a babysitter, but I'm never really comfortable. At the moment I'm not leaving them with anyone and I'm so much happier! DH thinks I'm paranoid (I see that our friends are so more relaxed than me regarding in this sense), but things can happen, one cannot really see into the heart of people. There are some people I trust and, if really necessary, my children can be with.
Sorry I'm not giving you much help, but know that you are not alone in this.