being a mum

[needacupoftea]

suddenly, today, I have realised that there is nothing about being a parent that I enjoy. It's all too much. Is this normal? My mum was diagnosed with aggressive brain cancer when dd was 3 weeks old and after 5 months of awful illness and operations and struggle died when dd was 6 months. My dad died in 2000 and i am an only child. I think that not having my family has spoilt my experience and i can't seem to snap out of it.

[giantkatestacks]

needacupoftea - am so sorry about your parents but no its not normal - have you seen a bereavement counsellor?

[TheArmadillo]

you need to speak to someone about this - either as giantkatestacks says go privately to see a bereavement counsellor or go and see your gp.

You don't have to live like this.

You've been through an incrediably hard time I appreciate that - but it can't be good for you or your family to live like this.

[needacupoftea]

the awful thing is that i've been to both the gp and seen a cruse bereavement councillor and still feel the same. DH is massively supportive but I just feel rubbish. DD is lovely but i don't enjoy being around her. she's now 2.5 and very bright but as she develops, the more i resent not being able to give her the childhood i had and then the more stressed i get at her. i'm starting to panic

[giantkatestacks]

what is it that you feel you're not giving her? is it your anger in general that you're taking out on her or something more specific you think you're failing at?

Do you work at all?

[giantkatestacks]

Profiterole is right - being pregnant and then looking after a child can really delay grieving in a way that isnt helpful - I found that anyway.

Its also hard when everyone else seems to have so much help and you dont have any support at all - to get through this I had quite a strict routine and went out to a toddler group/swimming/singing etc everyday and got to know lots of people and set up babysitting networks etc - getting out and about and meeting people and exercising was key for me - I know that sounds a bit trite.

[needacupoftea]

it really helps to hear that others have been through similar things. I'm sorry for your loss too.

giantkatestacks - I think it's my anger in general and not knowing how my mum was with me when I was small - i don't have anyone I can ask. I resent dd for arriving when i needed to be there for my mum and also feel anger towards my mum for leaving me when i needed her. I take this out on dd.

I don't work - hope to go and do a second degree in sept. feel i need to do something i regret not doing first time around.

Profiterole - I never did get chance to grieve properly. learning to be a mum, sorting out probate, selling the family home all took over. don't feel as though i did that new mum bonding thing with dd either.

[giantkatestacks]

In my case the anger did subside - though I was never angry at ds really - well thats not true I sort of held him responsible for a time. In some crazy way I thought that it was my mother dying that had enabled me to get pg - like it was the cost.

Tbh as he got easier to look after and my grief subsided from the rawness to a background hum of sadness it got easier but then I do work parttime and so was able to get away and have more time on my own.

Has your dp been supportive? Will your dd be going to funded nursery sessions soon?

I started to think in a different way as well - I was/am determined not to let my mother down with my parenting - I want the things she passed on to me to be passed down to my dcs. Counselling can help with this as well - either group or CBT.

[abbierhodes]

I struggle to bond with my DS2 because my dad had cancer when I was pregnant, and was still very ill when I gave birth. There just wasn't time to learn to enjoy being a mum.

As others have said, it's not normal and you do need help. Please get it, you won't believe how much better you feel.

On the other hand, it is a myth that motherhood comes naturally. Most people have to work hard at the bonding, and the truth is the first 6 months are shit. Sleepless nights, nappies, feeding, no time to breath...it gets better, I promise.

[Thankyouandgoodnight]

I absolutely agree that uyou should keep pushing until you find someone that you find helpful because you absolutely must work towards getting this as sorted as any of us actually get. ie don't for one minute think that you will ever achieve 100% good mum - aint going to happen .

But - your daughter is a little person. She needs you and she needs you because you are her mother and as a result of that, like it or not, you have to give her unconditional love as is every child's right to receive. You must go through the motions if you have to and make sure that you are largely positive to her.

You are able to be a Mum to her and not being able to ask your Mum stuff is very sad but by no means necessary to the relationship between you and your daughter.

I reckon you have until she's about 10-12 to build a proper relationship with her that she will then fall back on later......so that's ages

Being a parent sucks - getting to know a small person slowly and enjoying doing stuff together from time to time is amazing.

[giantkatestacks]

Agree Thankyouandgoodnight - I dont like the fact that I am sometimes upset or dont know what my mum would say or whatever to be the apology for any bad parenting - if anything as I said before I use it as a spur to do better.

And if I have a bad day or week I always thinkg that am going to do better and try harder on monday. And going through the motions also agree is important.

Put bluntly - I feel my dcs are more important than me and wont sacrifice my dcs needs to my loss.

Oh and I also write lots of details down about how my dcs are and what I did when they were little so that they will know all that stuff if anything happens to me.

[needacupoftea]

thank you all - feel more positive today, had long talk with DH last night and went to dr's today. Also spoke with bff on phone who was with me whilst my mum was ill and helped loads after she died. Have been counting to 10 when i've felt myself getting wound up and feeling negative to dd today. Also have spent all day thinking about the positives. will take on advice and am going to start to be the mum i've wanted to be. It was good to talk this through - thanks again

[giantkatestacks]

oh and dont know if you have it but get a copy of 'how to listen so kids will talk and how to talk so kids will listen' it may be the other way round actually - have lent my copy to a friend...

anyway its got loads of strategies that really work in it...

good luck.