My 11 YO DS...Lying [shock]

[StercusAccidit]

Well its the first time i have posted in parenting and NOT having a whinge about my other half lol so please bear with me.

My DS1 recently asked me for money to buy something to go with his costume for world book day. I gave him 20 quid...as it was all i had on me. Stupid i know. I told him to use the change to pay for his lunch and bring me the rest of the change and it would go towards the meals for the remainder of the week.
Well he came back the day after i had given it to him and said the teacher had taken it off him. I found this odd, but he has never lied to me before, i have brought him up to tell the truth even if he broke a ming vase he would tell me, due to promises i might get annoyed and shout or be upset, but i would be angrier if he lied, and there would be no trust.
So world book day came and he had not brought a helmet or whatever it was he wanted to buy, so i asked for the money back after making him one instead.
He repeated that the teacher had taken it off him.
I asked her name. He didn't know. So by now i am sussing something isn't right and asked him to describe her to me, at which point he starts getting a bit wobbly and says "I'm sorry mum i can't stand this any more..i lied to you, i have lost it."
So i then went into my thing about lying and said, i am not angry with you for losing the money, it happens, i also spend money left right and centre on DP's kids and not you, and you have never once complained, blah blah..but i am annoyed that you felt unable to tell me the truth, how do i know now if you say something that its the truth? I am very disappointed in you."
I then made him go up to his room for an hour to think about what he had done and explained it was sort of a time out, so i wouldn't get angry and start bawling and hooting at him lol.
He was upset, but i think it was more about me saying i was disappointed in him tbh
When he came down we had a hug and i said "I know how bad you feel, i'm not going to make it any worse, i would rather give money away than lose it," and let him carry on with what he was doing.

When DP came home i explained what had happened and he said i should punish DS more than i did. It ended in a sort of argument when i said i wouldn't, and i felt DS felt bad enough, DP was "If it was my kids i'd blah shout blah they'd never dare lose money again blah grounding blah cut their fingers off blah make them do child labour blah"
So i got annoyed and said "Well he's not your child is he fortunately"

What do you all think? Did i do wrong? Is DP right? And did i do the wrong thing by saying that to DP which i hate him saying to me about his kids
I don't use physical punishment at all so birching is out
I am asking because i think i did the right thing but DP has made me question my bloody parenting
Thanks xx

[Grammaticus]

I think you did the right thing - until you spoke to DP!

[JudyA]

You definitely did the right thing - your son knows that what he did was wrong and regrets it - no more is needed.

The only additional thing I would do, and it's not too late, is praise him enormously for being brave enough and honest enough to tell you the truth in the end.

I'd also not make a show of not trusting him with money in the future - I have a feeling that if you show children you trust them then it's more likely to be repaid, and showing that this one event hasn't destroyed your trust may stop him dwelling in it.

[StercusAccidit]

Judy thank you..i did tell him i was so proud of him that he came clean, and i was only disappointed it had not been sooner. I know how horrible it is to lose money and i didn't want to be like my mum who would have had blood for something like this lol.
Grammaticus thank you too..i had this feeling tbh, he just undermined me a bit and made me feel perhaps i hadn't done enough..
I should have gone with the gut instinct which was that i should treat my DS how i would hope to be treated, fgs the other week i brought 60 quids worth of baby clothes and left them in McDonalds and no one stood there yelling at me telling me how stupid i was ect ect.. DP did start moaning but i had a bad weekend so just walked away and ignored him.
I have to admit, my DS has been a godsend recently and i have thought nothing of handing him my bank card and asking him to take money out in the past, he has never let me down. Feel daft for asking really. Just felt a bit undermined and wondered if i should have done things differently, before i hit the send button i knew i was right lol.

Thank you!!

[fartmeistergeneral]

I think you handled it really well, you sound like a lovely mum.

And your ds sounds lovely too! OK, he didn't come clean right away, but - though it's not right - it's understandable. £20 must seem like a lot of money to him and he was probably really panicking about losing it and your reaction.

FWIW, my dh would have reacted in the same way as your DP! Sometimes I think he's too harsh and I try really hard (often fail) to think like a child would think in certain situations. If I was an 11 yr old my first reaction would be to lie too. But the important thing is that he told you the truth. Keep those lines of communication open - it's not long til the dreaded teenage years!!

[StercusAccidit]

Thanks

I only told DP i think because i didn't want to hide what had happened, and i sort of use my DS and other things to show him how we should bring up all the kids.
He seemed to think that i hadn't been hard enough which means that DS will forever now take the piss.

I did say to DS he might as well not bother lying because he is as shit at lying as me (yes i do say things like that to him) i'm a bit of a hippy parent lol..and i was joking about it, not serious, and it went from near tears to laughing and joking, but i knew he did realise that i was disappointed. I don't think it would happen again, i mean, he lost it not spent it on something else and lied so i suppose i have to look on the brighter side.

Thank you