All of a sudden, I can't cope with it all. Bad mum.

[twoisplenty]

I think I have coped really well for a long time generally, with a lot of challenges. This means, looking after my two dc (aged 9 and 5), eldest has severe cerebral palsy. We moved house recently and that was really stressful because we had to watch the builders carefully, and buy all of the equipment for my ds without much advice from anyone.

Since moving in, I can;t seem to get a grip on my dc. I am getting cross a lot, shout etc.

I think mainly it's my ds that's getting me down. He needs my attention constantly, and I am getting irritable with him a lot. That makes me feel really bad, because I want him to grow up to have a healthy self esteem.

Tonight was the worst for a while. My two dc went to bed early because I just had enough. I was managing to get them to bed ok, read a story, all was well. Then my dd lost her temper (didn't want to go to bed) and my ds was being aggressive and difficult, and I just shouted and lost it.

It seems to be a pattern. I am perfectly reasonable and calm for weeks (except for being irritable sometimes), then I lose it spectacularly one evening and shout and shout and hate myself for it.

My dc will remember my awful temper won't they? I want them to remember me as a loving mum, and all they will remember is a horrid angry one.

I hate myself for my temper, but as I say, it only happens occasionally, but when I lose it, I explode. It's shameful.

Am I alone with these outbursts? Please tell me it's normal. Because I don't remember my mum losing it like this.

[mrsgboring]

I think everyone has these periods in their life don't they? And you have a lot of day to day challenges to cope with that others don't have. I seriously doubt that your children will think anything of the kind about your outbursts, really.

One thing I would add slightly out of left field, I had exactly the same experience years ago of suddenly going through periods of not being able to hold it together, irrational and vile anger and spectacular loss of temper, and eventually tracked it down to the combined contraceptive pill (it didn't happen every month, but when other things were out of whack or I'd run two packs together the month before so it was a bit subtle). I just wonder if, as well as all the understandable stress etc. you are having side effects from a medication, PMS or something. If you're under a lot of stress you probably don't have the time to even notice something like that that might be throwing you out.

Un MNetty hugs

[honeybunmum]

Poor you, It sounds like you have an awful lot to cope with. I don't think you should beat yourself up over this, I'm sure there are plenty of mums ( me included ) who lose their temper and shout.
Do you have any help at home?
Do you think your DD is reacting as a result of DS getting lots of attention?
Have you looked to see if there are any threads that might be helpful on the special needs section? ( I have no experience of cerebral palsy except a friend whose daughter has it, she only has her DD to look after and I know she is exhausted to say the least.)
Have you got any external help? family/friends/someone that can give you a break.. another friend has a DS very disabled and 2 DD, she gets someone from 'homestart' that comes in once a week to help out, giving her a rest. Perhaps speak to you GP.
I know you must be feeling crap and guilty but you are only reacting because it is all getting on top of you, if you can find a way to have a break from it all, you may find you handle flare ups and challenging behaviour better. HTH (((hugs)))

[coochicoo]

I don't think you children will remember you as a horrid angry mum for having occasional outbursts. Do you only remember the bad behaviours of your children? I know my ds has had some spectacular tantrums (and so have I ) but they're quickly forgotten.

I think (hope) it's the same for him.

I bet your mum had a few outbursts but, like you say, you don't remember them. Don't we all lose it occasionally?

[Hassled]

It's normal, you're not alone and while I have children with SEN etc, nothing on the scale of what you're coping with. You're doing bloody well and would be inhuman if you didn't lose it occasionally.

And you're actually teaching your children to be aware of people's emotions, that everyone gets angry and upset sometimes, and that everyone has a tipping point. No lasting damage comes from the odd bout of Mum losing her rag. Apologise tomorrow and explain you were very tired, and then don't give it another thought.

[twoisplenty]

Oh thank you for replying, it's such a relief to talk about it. Feel so empty.

I do have help from my dh, but not much. He tends to leave most of the housework/caring role to me, he tends to be help with the bedtime routine but that's about all. (He was out tonight, so that might be why I couldn't cope with beditme in particular).

I started another thread today asking about getting a cleaner, because that's all getting to me.

I just can't manage everything. It all goes around my head, all of the physio, speech therapy I am told to do etc. No one has ever helped with that (including dh and I resent him for that).

My ds behaviour is awful at the moment. He gets to my central nervous system with his screaming and hitting and general moaning. I hate it. Why can't he calm down? He must have my temper!

Funnily enough, I was just reading another thread about someone's ds who is "spirited" and has outbursts a lot. It helped to know it's a trait within normal range! I always tend to think that his behaviour is linked to cp, but perhaps not.

PMT? Quite possible. I never really thought. I don't take the pill, or any other medication.

But I am worn out. I am underweight, how can I put weight on when I am constantly needed (including at the dinner table?)

Really really sorry to moan, but by just thinking this through and typing it out is strangely calming.

[Frazby]

Well if its any consolation I have been feeling exactly the same as you and I also lost it and shouted lots this eve but unfortunately my son is only 9 months old! And you have far more to cope with than me!!!!! I think the key line in your message is'I don;t remember my mum being like this.' I bet she was at some point and you just don't remember. SOunds like the kids were grumpy first so I suspect that though you feel bad they probably don't think badly of you at all and prob will have forgotten about it by next week if not tomorrow. I think its better to vent occasionally rather than build it all up and go and do something really stupid later. Its just normal human nature, especially the guilt bit afterwards,and as my husband keeps telling me shows you are a good mum because you care. Take care xxx

[twoisplenty]

I sent that last message before reading coochicoo and hassled.

Really? I am normal then? Because no one usually ever talks about having tantrums (parent!), only the children having tantrums.

I am ashamed to lose it. I'm supposed to be the role model.

I was crying, and both my dc were crying. Horrid horrid atmosphere.

[TheSirenOfTheCupcake]

As others have already said, it is normal to "lose" it on occasion. I have just the one dd, but I have turned into a screaming banshee on the odd occasion. I always felt terrible afterwards, but dd still loves me and tells me everyday. You have so much more to cope with. Is there anyone who can help out and give you a break from time to time?

[Hassled]

Yes, normal. Really. I don't lose my rag often, but I do lose it - usually when pre-menstrual or over-tired. And I don't have anything close to the challenges you have. Get a cleaner if you can, do whatever it takes to remind yourself that you're doing a hard job well, and don't feel guilty.

And yes, lots of 9 year old boys are a handful - I reckon there must be a testosterone surge or something. It passes

[honeybunmum]

I think you need to speak to your DH and explain how tough you are finding it, he has a responsibility to you and your DC and it's not good enough to 'leave it all to you' I am not surprised you resent him. You really need to look after yourself. Make a list of everything you have to do and work out which thing you can get someone else to do, if you can afford a cleaner then get one, If your DH does one thing to help, make sure he gives you the opportunity for some 'me time'. I still have to fight for mine but it does me good even if I go for a power walk for an hour.

[coochicoo]

Seriously, nobody can keep their cool 100% of the time. You're completely normal. Ds hates it when I shout; on the occasions that I do we always have a cuddle afterwards and I apologise but explain why I was angry. I always feel terribly guilty.

Sometimes shouting is just a great way to release tension. Not only do I shout when I lose it, I also clap my hands really hard. it just seems to release it all (and better to clap my hands than smack my ds imo). I must look like a right scary nutter!

And btw, my ds isn't sn. I can't imagine having to cope with the normal day-to-day stuff as well as the physio, speach therapy etc that you need to do.

You're doing a great job. You're allowed to lose it once in a while.

Maybe your dh needs to help out a bit more? If he's anything like mine, he's happy to do the 'fun' stuff, but isn't so willing with the rest of it. Not on really.

[twoisplenty]

I get frustrated with my dh, he really loves his dc, but does the bare minimum. Every so often I will try and get him to see that I need help and it's his responsibility too, but he "improves" for a very short time, then it's back to normal.

We all eat tea together, my dh eats fast and disappears. I can never finish my meal because my ds gets fed up of trying to battle with his cutlery, and I end up helping him. The amount of times I have thrown away my dinner...it's just the norm now.

I am going to write a list of things I can do to improve the workload. Cleaner for a start! Help at the dinner table (from dh) and then try and sort out some care for ds in the holidays perhaps, someone to play with him for a while. The holidays are hard.

[twoisplenty]

And thanks again for telling me I'm normal! Feels awful, doesn't it to be so horrid when we all love our dc? And yet at other times, I cope fine, and everything's happy and calm. Weird.

[honeybunmum]

I hope you are feeling a bit more positive, my DH helps out temporarily, giving me a break, then it all slips again and I feel like I'm swimming against the tide and can't understand why DH can't see it. Like I said, I have to battle constantly to get any me time and I'm made to feel guilty about having it too so you will have to push hard and make it the norm. Also ... if my DH left the table whilst I was helping DC and hadn't finished my meal I would say " darling, do you think you could take over here so I can finish my meal?" If he can't even do that...well... I think you might need a serious talk.

[TinyWhiteFeather]

Twoisplenty..I think you are doing brilliantly, and shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

I have had rants at my DC's like that and if I feel I was out oforder I apologise for how I said what I said, but that 'mummy was very cros because....a, b, c etc.

I think if you overall have a close loving relationship with your DC's, THAT is what they will remember.

Re my thread...would it be worth getting yourself checked by a doctor, just to be on the safe side? Especially if as you say you are underweight.

I can't stress enough how important it is to get some you time, although I know haw hard that is. I actually manage to run and cycle, and have a couple of evening interests to relax me.

I foung MNing so helpful. I have a very spirited DS (10) and have shouted at him, more so when he was 5-8. We were talking about it the other day and he said he didn't remember it and thinks I am a brilliant mum( at that particular moment) Have done so many posts about him.

So, look after yourself, don't judge yourself so harshly and keep posting.. and best wishes.....

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

I am guilty of losing the plot and shouting at times

BUT I do think that kids instinctively know when they are loved. I take heart from the time I ranted at my 5 yo, and she shrugged and said "But you love me anyway!" (although at the time it made me grrr!)

[ThumbBurns]

twoisplenty - it is your release valve going off, that's all. You have loads of stress, you cope marvellously most of the time, but occasionally things build up and have to give - so you blow your lid for a short period and that releases the pressure until the next time.

From what you have said, the percentage of time of you being end-of-tether, had enough mum as opposed caring, wonderful coping to mum is tiny, so please stop worrying, I am sure your DC will look back and think you did a great job under difficult circumstances.

If it's any consolation, I blew my stack a couple of weekends ago because the heating had just stopped working again, despite having had a new boiler installed (actually BECAUSE of it) AND there was no hot water AND DS chose to pee on the bathroom carpet - not the bathmat, the carpet (he's only 1, bless) - and I had a major meltdown.

[Nyx]

I will add my tuppence worth too - I think you're doing amazingly well. I have one dd, nearly 3, who is overall pretty well behaved but has a temper to watch - as do I! I shout too, and it sounds like I shout a lot more than you do. I have also been known to spectactularly 'lose it' on an occasion or two. And (hangs head in shame) my DH is actually very good at working with me each day - housework AND helping with DD. It sounds to me like you're a star, really it does.

I think honeybunmum's suggestion about 'could you take over here so I can finish my meal' is a great idea and you should give it a shot - you need to remember that your needs are important too!

All the best

[twoisplenty]

I like that, my release valve going off. I shall have to remember that next time, it might help with the guilt, and maybe stop the tantrum (mine) in the first place ???

I love being a parent to my two most of the time, I am a SAHM, and I genuinely feel I fit the role, but urgh, sometimes...

ALso I only see other parenting skills in action at friend's houses etc, and they always deal with tantrums etc in a mature calm fashion. I forget that they also lose it when they have not got visitors!

I am sort of dreading tomorrow morning when my dc get up, but I'll give them lots of love, and it will blow over.

I think my underweight does not help me either. I must do something about that. I've been like it for years, but at the moment I've lost even more.

[twoisplenty]

Yes, I really must get more assertive with dh, he really does love me but is completely oblivious to the workload. How is this possible?!

[ThumbBurns]

he is a MAN! I constantly remind my DH that he has the obsevational skills of a peanut - exemplified by today, when he walked into our bedroom, where I was lying on the bed feeding DS, picked up his jumper, walked out again and downstairs, and then came back up and said -
"oh you ARE up here - I didn't see you, I thought you were downstairs"

you must indeed be more assertive - I don't wait for DH to offer to do anything, I just hand DS to him so I can finish my meal or go to the loo or whatever it is I need to do.

you could try saying - I'll eat mine in a minute, I just have to do x, you help DC with their dinners and I'll be back (but this might be against your family policy) - or you could persuade your DH that he is setting a very bad manners example by leaving the table before EVERYONE has finished. Failing that, just TELL him to help one DC while you help the other.

[saraya]

No human being of flesh and blood can be cool and composed with a life full of demands and least of us mums. I have to say at times I can't even recognise myself when i shout and scream from total frustration and exhaustion. Yes I feel lonely most of the time and yes I feel like I am suddenly a maid and cook and nanny fullstop..but then I find I wake up the next day ( not that i ever manage to sleep with my ds) and life goes on ..something like gravity pulls at you and you just find yourself going along against all odds.It is nature and although I manya time miss being free and uncommitted to a bunch of demanding selfish creatures we identify as our kids ..i think we were meant to go on like this and survive..sigh.