Do you sometime feel like a fraud? (sorry, long)

[Gorionine]

This morning, like most mornings in my house it was an absolute nightmare. 4dcs to get ready, 3 lunch boxes blah, blah blah... I am used to it it is ok, exept for 1 thing. DD1 is a day dreamer, she is 9 1/2, very bright and most certainly the nicest kindest little girl I know,but she does not do the things she is told to do in the morning or does it so slowly that we have to run to school every morning.

Half way on the run to school, I realise her hair had not seen a brush and she was wearing dirty socks. I completely lost it, told her she looked like a mess and that I need her to "wake up" and start behaving like a 9yo not a baby who needs things done for them all the time (according to hert teacher, she is very independant in school, so I KNOW she can do it). She started crying and I was most unsympathetic.

After dropping the 3 DCs in school I had to go shopping with DD4 (2yo). when we finished I sat down with her and we where chatting and laghing and while doing that with her I had this going on in my head I really feel like a lousy mum at the moment and am actually dreading going to pick up DD1 from school this afternoon.I just cant get over it.

[Dropdeadfred]

Awwww..i must be pre-menstrual cos that just made me well up....

Just take 5 mind to give your gorgeous 9yr old a special hug when you collect her and tell her it's only early morning stress that made you snipey.

[JoDeeMagi]

Please don't be hard on yourself - I have a DS (nearly 9) who is the same, it's the same routine every day for getting up, dressed, breakfast, teeth, jumper/shoes on, etc. etc. but he has to be constantly reminded. Sometimes I shout and tell him why oh why is it that I have to stand over you to get ready for school ... we go to school in a terrible mood and I feel guilty for the rest of the day. (unlike you I only have one child, so I should be much more calmer!)

But, I tell myself that tomorrow is another day, I find that he responds so much better to a quiet, gentle reminder of what he needs to do (I'm trying to accept that this is just the way he is), but I'm not perfect and stress happens sometimes.

[IAteTheWholeSelectionBox]

Blimey, I'm impressed that you can find time to dress yourself, never mind make sure your daughter's in clean clothes!

I think you're being hard on yourself. When she gets home, why don't you give her a big hug and together try to agree on a morning routine for her? Maybe do her a checklist? Sorry if that seems babyish for her but maybe if she has a set list of tasks she'll get on better?

I imagine (no experience though!) that a 9 year old is going to respond well if you make a big thing about how grown up she is and how that means she can do these things by herself.

In the meantime, forgive yourself and have some chocolate.

[NotanOtter]

Gorionine yes i do

just like that

dc2 is so upsetting me at the moment due to her age etc and then i have to turn round and be all sweet and singy to the younger ones ...it kind of puts a cloud over things and you feel like you should not be enjoying things

i hope think its all just part of being a parent

you are not alone!

[holycrapolla]

You're not alone i promise, i for one, and most other mums i imagine, have done and felt exactly the same as you. I sit at work sometimes gobsmacked at the way i lost it just because DS wouldn't put his socks on, or DD was dancing about instead of getting dressed. Don't feel bad, just give her an extra squeeze when she finishes school tonight

[Gorionine]

IAteTheWholeSelectionBox. I have tried everything and anything to sort the morning problem:

• told tell times the same thing to make sure she has "got it"

-telling her a couple of time and responsabilise her.

-Telling her once and ask her to repeat to me what I had asked.to make sure she heard and understood.

-Telling her that if she is ready faster she can watch a bit of telly

-making a written list ( eat the breackfast ready for her on the table, go upstairs to wash and get dressed,check her homework is in her bag, take bookpack+lunchbox put shoes and jacket)

-got her to write a list thinking she might remember better.

-left her be late to be told off by teacher rather than me

• be very nice with her hopping to get trough to her better

-screaming from the top of my voice that she has to get on with it (been for the last week)

Now if there is anything you can think about please feel free to tell me be cause I think I have exhaused all possibilities.

NotanOtter, It is exactly that, I feel that I should not enjoy things today because I was foul, and I imagine her still sobbing in school and it is eating me.

[BlueCowNowIsLowingAndDCAwake]

please don't be so hard on yourself. It's the end of term and we all need time off - you and the dc.

And remember that anyone in the playground will have similar stories, however calm they appear.

She won't be sobbing in school, she'll be doing loads of Christmassy stuff and will have forgotten all about it.

[IAteTheWholeSelectionBox]

Gorione, I apologise, I didn't mean to be patronising. As I said, I have no experience and was just trying to help because you're obviously feeling rotten

Sorry again

[Gorionine]

No please do not appologise It was a fair comment. Being in "it" all the time I am pretty sure they are things I have not thought about, even very obvious ones so when I said feel free to tell me if you think of anything else I relly meant it!

[Gorionine]

An yes I think I could do with a box of chocs, If only you had not already eaten them all!

[IAteTheWholeSelectionBox]

I saved you the Crunchie!

Seriously, you are definitely being hard on yourself. That much I know for sure

[Gateau]

I think you sound like you do a fantastic job, OP. I don't knwo how you do it.
I have one 20 month DS and I have trouble getting out anywhere on time - even in the afternoon!
So please don't be so hard on yourself. You were just understandably stressed this morning - it happens to all of us. Don;t dread picking your DD up this aft. Instead look forward to seeing her,giving her a big hug and telling her you love her. Oh, and a little apology would be good too.
And then forget all about it.

[flaminhell]

None of us are perfect, make a little time for her tonight, she will be fine. And dont be so hard on yourself, we all do it, your not the first and you wont be the last.

[NattyTurkeyAndEggnog]

how about sending her to bed half hour earlier, and getting her up half hour b4 everyone else, dressing and washing her youself?
possible she will not like going to bed early and being treated like a baby in the mornings?
i dont have a 9 year old myself, but my mum did this to me and it worked!

[Gorionine]

You know I have had days when a shout a her her and I do not feel bad about it,in fact a often do not give it a second thought. This morning it was different, who in their right mind tell their 9yo they look like a horrible mess just before getting to school, when there is nothing anymore she can do about it? I know I have really hurt her by saying it, and am not sure I wil find the right thing to say to her. I think for the first time since I have children I feel ashamed of what I have said to one of them, that is clearly telling me I went to far and was not "in control" of the whole situation. At the end of the day, I know she is the child and I am the adult therefore, checking wether she has the right clothes on and that she is presentable is MY responsability.

I have a sneeky feeling while writing all that that I was angry with her more for the fact that in the back of my mind I was worried about what the teacher is going to think about her comming to school in that state. So it seems that I told her off because I was not up to my job this morning and it is the unfairness of it that I regret so much.

I will try to find something to take my mind of it a bit and I will see how she is after school. I hope you all are right and she'll have forgotten about it, even if I have probably a few more days of self chastising to come.

Thank you all so very much for your nice comments and the Crunchie. It is a lot of comfort to have you lot arround.
I will let you know how the pick up went.

[mumto3boys]

Oh how I sympathise, but can also offer some hope!

DS1 has always been a nightmare, I swear he would have gone to school in his pyjamas if I didn't check.

He started secondary school in september and we were generally concerned as to how he would cope. Plus they do funny hours - 7.50 - 2.10, so he has to leave the house before 7.30.

But all of a sudden, because he now HAS to be ready and wil get a detention if he is late, he is ALWAYS ready. I still sometimes double check if he needs pe kit as he has loads to remember plus they have a 2 week timetable.

I was always shouting in the morning and wondering how on earth it could be so difficult to put on matching socks etc.

But overnight he changed. And all my shouting doesn't seem to have done him any harm!

[Gorionine]

So there is light at the end of the tunnel!
Thanks mumto3boys.

[farfaraway]

I feel your pain and I have only 3 DD's (8, 3 (nursery school too) and 1 yrs). I now always carry a brush in car/bag and have stood outside school gates and done her hair before now. Strangely enough I think the 'humilation' factor means she now brings me the brush in the morning to do her hair.

Another thing is in this season I make sure I leave all hats, scarfs, gloves etc in the car so we do not arrive and suddenly realise have left them all at home.

And it is DD1 specific job to load bags into car after one morning I drove off and left them all on the drive.

Think sometimes I expect DD1 to be more responsible than is reasonable as she is the oldest so do tend to rely on her to sort herself out a bit. And I shout when it all goes wrong too but usually have a longer story/cuddle at bedtime to make up for fact that I was a bit shouty in the morning.

[Gorionine]

Good idea to have a brush with me just in case, I will try to remember that!

[NewHollyOtherIvy]

Gorionine you are definitely not alone. I only have one DS and when he was 9, your morning was my morning. Every bloody morning. And I didn't have 3 youngers ones to think about either.

The times I had to shout up the stairs to get him out of his bedroom had no effect so he had to get dressed downstairs (he was starting to get a little self-conscious by that time so I stayed out of the way). He'd often be sat on the edge of the settee with a sock half on whilst he stared into space!! Used to drive me insane.

Yes the guilt-filled days would pass while I convinced myself he was bereft following my angry tirade, but when he came home from school he'd always forgotten about it. Apologies, hugs and attempted explanations of "I'm crap in a morning, I just need to get dressed when it's time instead of daydreaming the morning away, otherwise we'll both be late etc" worked for a few days. Then we'd be back at square one. He got there eventually but it took a while

He's so much better now that he's at High School (agree with mumto3boys) and impression counts!! The first few weeks he didn't care whether his trousers were full of mud, he had odd socks on, his hair wasn't brushed but now... it's a whole different ball game. Into the bathroom early to make sure he's looking stunning; off upstairs to get dressed; brings everything he needs for the day. Marvellous!! There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel and again, please don't worry, you are NOT on your own.

He does slip occasionally but I just tell him it's up to him he wants to look like a tramp

[Gorionine]

IT IS OFFICIAL, I HAVE AN ADORABLE DAUGHTER
no, she was not sad anymore and she has managed to find something to tie her hair back!

We had a little talk about it ( I did not want to go on and on about it for both our sakes) and I feel very relieved and much happier than this morning.

Thank you all again!