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Parenting

Another family dilemma, sorry

13 replies

tinselroundtherock · 10/12/2008 10:11

My Dad has been very ill and not of sound mind for over ten years,and his illness is nearing its end.

The last few years have been very difficult for my mum. My sister has kept away, visited occasionally and cannot talk about what has happened.My mum is manipluative and depressed as company. i have suggested seeking help, but she does not want to, and my sister hassaid to leave her alone.

I have children, and this year we invited everyone. My mum has said she won't come as she cannot stand spending time with jolly couples. I have left the invite open, but not changed our plans.

Should I go and spend the day with my mum, away from my children? I do not want to do this, but feel very about my mum being alone, or do we cancel the plan and go to my mums, or leave things as they are?

Just need neutral opinions...if you have experience.

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bozza · 10/12/2008 10:18

How far away is your Mum? If she is closeby could you maybe call round for an hour or two in the evening when the DC have gone to bed, with a plateful of food (eithr Christmas dinner or buffet stuff) and spend that time with her?

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Acinonyx · 10/12/2008 10:22

Could you visit your mum for an hour or two in the afternoon? I think that's quite enough though, under the circumstances. Otherwise just leave things as they are.

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tinselroundtherock · 10/12/2008 10:25

This would be ideal, but she lives three hours away. I have made her some Christmas food (mince pies, pudding, cake,etc), but have not told her as don't want her to feel unwelcome if she changes her mind. I will drop these off, wit her present just before Christmas if she is definately not coming.

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dilbertina · 10/12/2008 10:34

Horrible for you to be tugged two ways like this.

I think you should put your children first (especially if they are young). You have given you mum an option that she is choosing not to take up. Understandably she is not full of Christmas spirit. I think you should accept her preference here and do your own thing. Accept it is her choice and she has made it. You could write a note just re-iterating how much you would like her there if she changes her mind but that you respect her decision.

My MIL deteoriated over several years with a Alzheimers/Parkinsons type illness. At times my FIL just couldn't face "gatherings" because it was all just too traumatic.

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tinselroundtherock · 10/12/2008 10:34

My DH suggested I go up, or cancel our arrangements..I know he wants me to make the descision for myself and does want to influence my decision, as it could cause bitterness/resentment. Thank you for your replies.

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dilbertina · 10/12/2008 11:52

Your DH sounds like an exceptionally bright man!

I appreciate that your mum has been through a lot, but maybe she is sort of trying to manipulate you.... You have the choice of a happy Christmas at home (that she HAS been invited along too) making your family happy ...or by the sounds of it a fairly miserable time with her which neither of you will get much out of. I think if you have a final go at persuading her to come, whatever she decides your choice should be clear...

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ChristmasDisco · 10/12/2008 11:57

I think you should stay with your family at home. It'll be hard and you will think of your mother most of Xmas Day but if you go to her this year then what about next year if she doesn't want to come....

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Acinonyx · 10/12/2008 12:02

After dad died my mum went to pieces and had always been depressive. She still came on Xmas day next time though even though some of dh's family from the US would be there too. I did find it very stressful myself though and probably made it tense for everyone

I found it very tough having other family and my mum at the same time under those circumstances. It's the only time dh's family have ever been here and v bad timing (dh was also still long-term ill then and his family didn't really grasp that either). Don't make the mistake I made and let this stress you out SO much.

Do you think your mum wants you all to go over there for Xmas? Could you all go over the next day?

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littlelyn · 10/12/2008 12:19

We used to have the same problem with my FIL after my MIL died suddenly on New Year's Day 5 years ago. For the first 2 Christmases he refused to acknowledge Christmas - no tree, presents (or money/vouchers) for GCs and obstinate refusal to go to any of his 3 DCs homes for Christmas Day. We chose to respect his wishes but still called round to see him Christmas morning and then phoned him in the evening. Last year he surprised us by accepting our invitation and arrived with presents (vouchers) for the GCs. I think you should stay with your DCs - your Mum will know that you're thinking of her and a phonecall on the day will reinforce this, particularly if you involve the children. As for your sister -

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elliott · 10/12/2008 12:42

I don't really understand why you are even considering going to your mum's? It won't be a great christmas for your children if you are not there. you have made her welcome to be with you, she has decided not to come. Arrange to see her either before or after christmas.
Why is this a problem? Is your mum implying that you should do something different?

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ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 10/12/2008 13:25

Could you go after your children's bedtime, stay over at your mum's, and come back the next morning?

Far from ideal, I know - not an easy one to resolve ...

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tinselroundtherock · 10/12/2008 18:43

Thanks for the replies, especially if yiu have had a similar situation. It is good to know that one day she might start to feel better.

I could go in the evening, but will definately stay with DH and children in the day.

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tinselroundtherock · 10/12/2008 20:43

Elliot even before my dad was ill, my mum played mind games with me over many things, like leaving home, having friends over, helping me through college, finding a job a long way from her, meeting a partner who lived miles from her, etc.

Until Dad became ill I always managed it well, but since his illness has impacted on her mental health...I have felt guilt at every decision involving her. She is manipulative and divisive when speaking of my DH, but I still have loyalty to her that I cannot let go of, completely.

I am going to write her a note asking her to come. My sister doesn't have children and had mum to hers last year. I phoned to talk to her, but she got the wrong end of the stick and thought I was implying that she should persuade mum. This was not the case. I just wanted her opinion on what to do on the day. She remembers good holidays when we were kids. I haven't forgotten this time, but I guess by having my own family I have grown up and moved on from this to focus on my own children. My sister thought it was thoughtless to expect her to spend Christmas with a group of people.

I do feel better after getting some opinions. I can make it clear, and I do need to give her space as well as support her. Thanks