How do you keep a family relationship open when your views on parenting are a universe apart

[Lowfat]

Just wanted to know what the rest of you do if you have this problem.

We spent the weekend with relatives and I have come away totally gobsmacked at the way my SIL handled her children and the way they behave.

I know everyone does what is right by them and that different things work for different families. But it was so evident to myself and my husband (and even my 5yr old DD commented) that some of the things they were just ridiculous.

To avoid arguments I just corrected things for my children where I needed to and for the rest of it bit my tongue so much that it was in danger of being chewed off.

I dont want to get roasted as it is just an oberservation - but how do you get along with family when you are altogether and parenting views are so different that are in danger of clashing.

[PortAndLemon]

If your DD is five and it's the only time it's been a significant issue so far, can you not just keep biting your tongue?

[Wheelybug]

My brother and i have very different parenting ...er... styles, which makes it seem to me his children just run amock. I think all you can do is what you did - correct your child as you see fit and try and ignore what they do. More difficult in your own house so I would correct anything which could have caused damage to something of ours (or them !) but otherwise just quietly seethed (until they'd gone of course).

For example, dneice was clomping around in dressing up shoes somewhere it would ruin our floor (ok silly floor but there you go) and dd isn't allowed to so I told her to take them elsewhere but I bit my tongue when bro let his children get down and play from tea and breakfast before dd had finished.

I think its almost impossible to agree with anyone on parenting styles and you just have to do what you think with your child and try and bear others .

[PortBlacksandResident]

BIL & SIL - very very regimented to the point of anality i.e. get children up when asleep and down when awake becasue it's exactly and hour they've been in the cot, no chocolate until they're 5 etc.

Sis & BIL - out at work alot, kids in wrap around care & out every night doing a different activity and lots of weekends away at camps alone etc.

Me & DH - alot more laid back and used to pick kids up where they fell and put them into bed etc. (pre school days obv) and take our kids mostly everywhere with us etc.

We have a laugh about the PRIVATELY.
I'm damn sure they have a laugh about us PRIVATELY.

And we all muddle through okay.

[PortBlacksandResident]

It did very nearly kick off once though with SIL & BIL wrt bedtimes at a party .

Hard isn't it?

[cory]

keep biting and just give a little lee-way when we are doing things together/dc's are spending the day with them.

My brother and I have very different parenting styles and we spend the whole of the summer together.

I think we are getting better at accepting each other, each giving a little, trying not to sweat the small stuff.

The early years were harder because small children are naturally more outrageous, so more areas of conflict.

[cory]

oh, and you couldn't give us a few examples of the really ridiculous things? go on- let us have a good laugh!

[Lowfat]

Cory - just for you!

The one that really cheesed me off was that 45 minutes before dinner (and I really have to encourage my two to eat) my SIL gives hers and mine a doughnut and then chocolate. And not just any chocolate but an entire selection pack (chomp, fudge, crunchie, buttons - half size flake).

This is where I intervened. DS2 had his taken from him before he even realised what he had, and DD after managing to persuade me to let her have the chomp (cos her cousins were allowed to eat theirs - see give and take) and then sneaking her buttons, was made to promise she would eat all her diner that nanny had been cooking.

DN's were served a dinner that they refused to eat which SIL blamed this on the fact they were under the weather

What makes it worse was that MIL was not aware SIL would be staying with her DC's. (they live very close and see her 4 times a week, we were visiting for the first time in 3 months) and a dinner that was meant to be for 4 adults and 2 children was stretched between 5 audlts and 4 children, which 2 portions of was wasted. It really pee'd me off, DH even more so, as he had to watch his mum try and stretch out the portions, and he said afterwards he felt really sorry for her as she was panicking there was not enough.

SIL seemed oblivious . She just did not want to look after her DC's by herself because her DH had got stuck at a meeting at work.

[deanychip]

me and my sister disagree very much on parenting and have had many a long debate on the subject. Sometimes ending in tears with us losing contact for periods of time.
She is of the "children should be seen and definitely NOT heard" camp.
If children stepout of line even by a hairs bredth, they should get a smack around the head and put firmly back in place.
They should not make mess, have toys out, speak when spoken to and not allowed to be "noisy" at all.

me completely the opposite.

She things mine is a brat, unruly and destructive.
I think that hers is stunted, shoved down and not allowed to be a child.

The tears on on my part because she tells me all of her opinions which are very strong and very forceful, i say nothing about hers becasue i adore him...she actively "HATES" my child and tell me so, does not keep it from him and will not stay in the same room as him for any longer than is absolutely necissary.

I keep stum, keep her away from my child, and have her boy over to play as much as possible. Cant even agree to disagree as she is so adamant that she is right about this that there is just no discussing it with her these days.

[cory]

ah, thank you Lowfat. I'd probably be the one muttering grrrr, bloody way to bring a child up.

But having said that, there is hope, both my brother and I have become a lot better at handling these differences in later years.

I think it's because now that we can see how much our children mean to each other, we as adults are becoming more loath to spoil things for them, even for the very best of principles.

I am beginning to feel that having a good time with his cousins is perhaps more important than the occasional slipping of parenting standards.

[Litchick]

This is a tough one.
When we see BIL and kids I just bite my tongue and repeat 'twice a year, twice a year.'
Last visit saw my nephew punching DD and calling her a fucking bitch, my neice eating rolos and squirty cream for supper and my BIL leaving fag ash all over the conservatory.
wHEN WE GO THERE IT'S EVEN WORSE s I ahve no control then.
Twice a year, twice a year...

[Lowfat]

HI Cory,

Yeah I have to agree with you for that, my DC's love their cousins and they love them - and they play beautifully together - demonstrated when a DN tried to give DS a bit of her chocolate cos his wicked () mummy had taken his away!

I think is lots more undercurrent in our family, my general feeling the SIL takes PIL for granted and that MIL in particular is happy for her to do that and plays obvious favs with DH over his brother and more annoyingly for me (since DH is a big boy) with DN's over my DC's.

There were several other moments over the course of the weekend which only highlighted this. And my DD is becoming quite astute as noticed this on several occassions and spoke up. only to have nanny make some excuse and move on swiftly.

I suppose I can just be glad that we do live so far away! Just wish we could visit PIL without SIL's tribe so that my DC's could have thier full attention for once

[cory]

This seems to be more about your feelings about your SIL than about your parenting differences as such.

I never see my parents without at least one of my 3 brothers' families around, often all of them, so full attention doesn't happen, it's more of a free-for-all. My parents and my db share a house, so undividided attention not going to happen. Usually about 17 people around the dinner table (and sharing one loo ).

And as we live in another country, and my parents see their other grandchildren daily, of course in some ways they are going to be closer to them.

But then I do love them all dearly, so it doesn't matter so much to me.

[cory]

I just grumble under my breath from time to time.

[Lowfat]

It's a chicken and egg question I think

Is it her parenting that makes me feel the way I do?

Or because I feel the way I do do I question her parenting?