Don't think DS likes me very much - how can I help our bond?

[ksld]

DS1 is now 4 and has always adored his Daddy, so when he chooses him over me I have tried not to show how it hurts, and ignore it. However it is just getting worse and worse. Last night it was my turn to put him to bed, which he knew, but when DH went to take his younger brother, DS1 collapsed on the floor in floods of tears, and proceeded to cry himself sick he was so upset. It made me start thinking about our relationship, and I realised:
he has never had any sort of separation anxiety /concerns about me leaving him
whenever we are with friends or family he will go to any other adult before me
he never initiates any cuddles with me
he is always asking if Mummy can go to work and Daddy stay home to look after him

I just don't feel like I'm very important in his world, and wondered if there is anything I can do to make things better between us? All the information I can find is on how to repair our bond from my point of view - and I love him to bits so that doesn't help. Has anyone else had this?

[fizzpops]

Haven't experienced this myself as my DD is only 6mths but just wondered if perhaps he just likes novelty? He has you all the time and so maybe you are a given - have you tried completely backing off and letting your DH be with him all (or as much as possible) of the time?

I can understand why you feel sad about it, hope you get some more constructive suggestions soon.

[roseability]

I sympathise! My DS (2.7) has never shown seperation anxiety and frequently asks for Daddy/Granny/Grandpa over me.

Also if I do go away he hates it when I come back and often if his Granny comes to watch him he says 'bye, bye Mummy!' as if he can't wait to get rid of me! Even when he is ill/fallen he asks for Daddy, not all, but a lot of the time.

I had PND/anxiety and a terrible birth and although I bonded with him fine despite this, I sometimes worry about how well he has bonded with me. Even my Dh makes comments like 'oh he really responds well to you now' as if there was a time when he didn't.

BUT, I am with him most of the time as I only work one day a week. He has never been to nursery and if I ever leave him it is with Daddy or close family. I have come to realise that I am the constant/given and he plays up most for me because he knows he can, I am his Mum! We do fun stuff together, swim,bake,paint etc but I will never have the novelty factor. He has a very special bond with his Granny, who has been a wonderful help to me. This is a positive thing and he is just a very secure child. Why should he cry for me when if I leave him it is to be spoiled by Grandparents? My DH is a natural and wonderful father, who also struggled as a new Dad but has developed a very special bond with his son. Whilst I sometimes feel a little jealous, would I have it any other way?

Your concerns are normal. Mums have a need to be loved too. I have had some bad moments/days where I was sure my DS didn't love me. It doesn't help that my SIL's DS clings to her constantly! But then she is jealous that my DS plays independently and that I can go out and have time to myself. But I am so sure that your DS loves you to bits, he just doesn't need to display it openly because his secure attachment to you just is. You said you love him to bits, that is all that matters.

I am pregnant again and feel awful with tiredness and nausea. I am so grateful at the weekends that he wants to be with Daddy, I get to rest a little!

Sorry for the waffle but hope it helps. Your post struck a chord with me

[ksld]

Thanks for the replies.

It's so hard to know if this is a problem, or if it just means he is very secure with me. I guess it is MY problem, not his as he seems fine, and I am the one who is bothered.

Anyone with older children had this? Just wondering if there is anything I can do now to help our bond, before he's off to school and it's too late...(don't mean to sound dramatic! just reading the Child of Our Time book about the 'village' having more influence than the parents over the next years)

[candyfluff]

we sort of have the opposite problem really its sad because my older 2 kids dont get on with their dad at all he never makes an effort with them to take them out or spend any time with them its all left up to me. the kids cant stand him touching them or when he talks to them they tell him he's an idiot or to shut up but what it strange is that with our youngest the bond is so great i dont get a look in . its sad to see that only the youngest has a bond with his dad cant see what went wrong here