Really losing control and too angry with DP don't know what to do

[ManicRedhead]

Perhaps I have some form of post-natal depression but I'm not sure could just be really down in the dumps. I had my second child 5 months ago, a beautiful girl who I love infinitely. Our DS is also wonderful, aged just over 2 and such a lovely sweet kid. I should just be counting my blessings and enjoying them in this wonderful precious stage and I feel so ungrateful and wasteful and stupid but instead I am just really exhausted and angry with my DP. It's got to the point I am so angry with him I can't really think about anything else and I am focusing everything onto him - as if he is to blame foreverythign that is wrong. I know at one level he is doing things that are unacceptable and selfish but also I fear I am just lumping everything onto him and so it makes it easier for him to dismiss me as irrational.

My DP and I both work from home /are self-employed. Overall per year he earns more than I do. But his money is not reliable, so in the past 6 months I have been paying for almost everything while getting no time at all away from our children - ie we have no childcare for our DD so I am always with her and then when our DS comes back from childminder with them both. So I do 24 hours a day childcare because DD is up all night and DP does say 2 hours but shared with me Ie he hangs out with me and the kids for a while each day. I am always with a child ie and I would understand that and accept it entirely if he was just working the whole time but he also spends a lot of time going out for lunch with friends, playing football, going down the pub. This upsets me a bit ie I wonder why he can't sacrifice the odd social thing just fduring these tricky early months - he was like this immediately agfter the birth and never really gave me any time to recuperate and now I'm just really knackered and yet still he insists on time to work and time to play. I have been on his case about it so now he just goes out with friends/plays football anyway but lies all the time - pretends he is going out for a business meeting but then it turns out he has just been in the pub. aSo then we row about the fact he has lied.

I am just angry with him all the time - today he'd PROMISED to take our DD for a walk so I could go to sleep for an hour and I was so desperate for this sleep and then I came back and he said he had to go out for lunch with a friend and then just left walked out of the door as I was protesting leaving me with our DD and I was so angry and felt so powerless and stupid that I got a pair of scissors and cut myself - I would NEVER normally do something likme taht and I was really shocked that I had done it. But I just lost control completely - and my DD was there on the bed and I would NEVER EVER harm her I know but I felt really horrified that I was so out of control when she was around me. When I try to talk to DP about all of this, he says htat social life is vitally important to him and he;d be really unhappy without seeing friends and that if I didn't have such an 'extreme' view of relations bewteen men and women I would be happier. ???

I love my children so much and I feel I am failing them by being so angry about all of this. I have fantasies of leaving my DP as the atmosphere is so toxic and I worry it affects our DCs but I don't have any money left because I spent it all and haven't been earning these last 6 months. I feel I am neglecting my beautiful children because I am so unhappy and angry and mad. I try to smile at them as much as I can and to disguise my rage and misery - but I know I am less communicative with my DD than I was with my DS. And she is so lovely - I feel I am failing her utterly by being so unhappy when she just wants to gurgle at me and be smiled back at. I just want to be able to calm down adn be a better mother to these wonderful children, but I don't know what to do

[solidgoldskullonastick]

What an arse he is. He's decided that you are a 'woman' and therefore exist only to do childcare and housework, and that his life is much more important than yours. That's what he means by 'extreme view of men and women': 'Just accept that my happiness matters and yours doesn't, because you don't have a penis.'

You could try just going out and leaving him with the DC (though if your DD is breastfed then I appreciate that this may not be an option), or you could insist on couple-counselling of some kind, but TBH he is unlikely to change much, as he will think (sadly with some truth) that if you leave him, there will always be another woman ready to clean up and eat shit and smile just to be able to say she Has A Partner.

[Tortington]

social life is important - you get one and leave him to so sort he childcare out - seriously

social time equality

he gets x hours - you do too.

do anything

go sit in a coffee place an pay to come on mumsnet for a bit - or go to library.

go to pictures

learn to drive learn the drums

whatever.

yes he is being a prick - so use your social time rights.

[SolosWhompingWillow]

Not much to say, but he doesn't sound like he is very understanding toward you and your basic needs. I'm sorry for you.
It does sound a bit PND like, so go and see your GP and ask for his help. Not much help, but I'm certain you will have lots more support to come from MNetters. kind

[sb6699]

You need to try and make a point of going out - just wait for him to come home and go.

Even if its only the library for an hour, I make sure I get out without dc's at least once a week.

And if you need a sleep, likewise just leave the dc's downstairs with him and go to bed - no questions asked.

My dh used to think that because he worked, I should be on 24hr permanent duty when it came to the kids but now he realises how exhausting it can be because I've started leaving them with him more often he's actually more understanding.

Given your extreme reaction (cutting yourself), it may be wise to make an appointment with your GP. I'm no expert but it does sound as if you may have PND.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

[ninedragons]

If you're self-harming, you need to see your GP straight away. Please ring and make an emergency appointment today.

Couples counselling would be the next step. Your DH is being unsympathetic and unreasonable in the extreme.

[ManicRedhead]

Thank you for all of these messages- it is very good to have kind responses. HWat SolidGold said really hit home - I really feel that he believes his life s fundamentaly more important than mine, and because he is so insistent about this I start to think OH he is right, he IS more important than me - or I am just too knackered to keep struggling about it. Also he is completely strong-willed - and will do/say ANYTHING to get what he wants. I can see you're all right that I should just leave the kids with him more and just go out from time to time - and force the issue really though if I had any time spare I should work as we need the money and I need to keep my hand in or my career will suffer really badly - but you're right I can see I should just go out to a cafe and work something like that- I am too dependably at home and too available. THe breastfeeding does tie you to the baby and then I want to be there for my DS when he gets home - and DP always says 'Well we need my money'' - he said that even during the 6 months I was paying for everythign!! I just don't see how he thinks, why he really beieves his footbal is more important than my work and at one level I can't believe I have ended up with such a sexist DP and feel really embarrassed, sick of the sound of myself trying to justify him to friends (some of whom have commented - 'Where's your DP then? Football again?' etc and I hear myself like some brainwashed Stepford Wife going 'OH well he's working so hard, needs to have a break' - or especially with my mother - who I never let see how demoralised I am. It's this sense of lying to everyone which is a bit depressing. The scissors thing -maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it - it sounds more serious than it was - I just htink I was so incredibly angry I lost control - I am certain I won't do it again -if it was a cry for help it would be a pretty poinltess one as my DP woudl probably tell me to stop being so ridiculous if I told him. Ninedragons I fear my DP would never go to couples counselling in a million years but I think you are right that it would be a good thing to do.
I just want to be able to ENJOY my lovely children that;sthe thing and feel I am losing a sense of perspectie - maybe you're right and for that reason I should go to the GP...

[mankymummy]

anyone would be depressed living with a man like that love.

make a plan. and stick to it.

e.g. TELL him that you NEED just a small portion of the time he lavishes on himself and that from now on you will be going out from X to X on such and such a day and he will have to cope with the DCs.

Trust me, I have experience of a man like this and unless you just tell him what you need and what you are going to do, without compromise (as long as its reasonable) then he will belittle and undermine you until you believe you dont actually need this very basic thing.

It may not be the same thing but in my relationship he lost all respect for me because I was such a doormat, always there, always putting himself first. Things improved immensely when I put my foot down, he had more respect and started to take a look at his attitude.

I still left the selfish little sh*t though !!!

[waitingtobloom]

Please ring your gp or hv and get an appointment with them - you dont have to feel like this.

Your DP is acting in a very selfish and childish way and really bringing you down. Fair enough a social life is important but when you have children you make sacrifices and grow up. And if its so important why do you not get it too? He is getting away with you paying for things and him living the life of a single man.

Perhaps his actions are just bringing you down, perhaps you are depressed. Perhaps its "normal" depression, perhaps its exacerbated by the birth and is pnd. But if you get some help and support with your feelings I bet you find the strength to make your situation better in some way - whether thats just getting a social life of your own, standing up to him or leaving.

But please please get some help and let us know how you get on

xxx