Six year old DD and friendship thing. I screwed this didn't I?

[pagwatch]

My DD is just six and at lunch time they get to choose a partner to walk to lunch and sit with. It is done on a sort of rota basis.
the problem is there are an odd number of girls and DD mentioned to me that she is getting upset that she is always left til last and has to make a three.
She is a confident and popular girl ( well reasonably so - not obnoxiously so)so I was a bit taken aback. But she was genuinely very sad about it.

I found out that she always picksthe same girl. But that girl then always picks someone else when it is her turn to choose - so DD is always left out.
I told her that she should pick someone else. That whilst girl in question is lovely etc etc DD should pick someone who wants to choose her when it is her turn.

Yesterday it was DDs turn to choose. she chose a different girl who was apparently really pleased to be chosen and they had a nice time. But then other girl challenged DD and said she was being mean and burst into tears.

Have I just created a drama? Is there anything I can do now that will not make things worse?

[edam]

Oh Lord, I am SO grateful I have a boy!

Sorry, not very helpful - think I'd have given dd the same advice. First girl sounds a bit odd, why does she think it's OK to reject your dd but demand dd picks her?

Was dd bothered about it? And what does she plan to do today?

Think if it's worrying dd and this hasn't solved the problem it's probably time to have a word with the teacher.

[sagacious]

Its a girl thing
I'm sure it will be forgotten about
It was a sensible suggestion so don't feel bad.

Must admit I do think its an odd school policy to have, its setting itself up to cause ructions.

[mrsmortenharket]

((((((((()))))))))))))
tbh i would also have a word with the teacher, i used to have "friends" like this when i was at school and could never understand it. i think the first girl may be wee bit jealous?

[chopchopbusybusy]

I think you gave your DD good advice. I'd wait and see how things go. If it is still causing upset, then I might have a quiet word with the teacher. Personally, I don't like the choosing a partner idea at all. Especially since there is going to someone left each day. Yes, definitely a girl thing - I have two DDs.

[MascaraOHara]

My dd is in almost exactly the same situation (also 6)

I tell my dd the same as you tell yours.. sorry but other little girl will have to get used to it and maybe learn a little bit of empathy

I'm reiding it out but as you can probably tell from my tone, I'm getting a bit sick of it.

For us it's not dinner queue but who dd is allowed/not allowed to play with

Farks me rioght off but what can you do lol (other than internally seethe like me)

[Simplysally]

Sounds like the other girl had a shock when she was passed over - she was evidently relying on your dd to choose her. Maybe no-one else chooses her either so she 'needs' to be chosen by your dd but she doesn't feel the same need to reciprocate? If you can follow that!

It all sounds like a recipe for potential disaster imho.

[Smithagain]

I think the other girl has just discovered the consequences of not reciprocating your DD's friendship.

Your advice seems OK to me, but girl friendships do seem to be horrendously complicated. If it doesn't settle down, I'd probably tip the teacher off about why they are falling out and hope that she can help them sort it out.

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

I think your advise is very good, and you should tell your dd to do the same again. Most likely the other girl will now expect your dd to chose her, and again chose another girl as revenge. There is a great lesson to be learnt here for the other girl.

Tell your dd to chose somebody else, or the same girl again that she sat with yesterday.

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

I think your advise is very good, and you should tell your dd to do the same again. Most likely the other girl will now expect your dd to chose her, and again chose another girl as revenge. There is a great lesson to be learnt here for the other girl.

Tell your dd to chose somebody else, or the same girl again that she sat with yesterday.

[QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow]

sorry about double posting

[fondant4000]

I think your advice was good, just the other girl wasn't expecting it.

I guess you let your dd know she wasn't 'being mean' she was being fair.

There's a lot of stuff like that going on in my dd's yr1 class.

I think we're getting away with it now because our dd went thru' something very similar about a year ago. She now seems to be able to not engage in the dynamics and move onto to someone else if rejected. We had a lot of talks about not being able to make people play with you and to ignore such behaviour as they can get a kick out you being upset and often do things to get a reaction and test friendships. But if someone's a good friend they won't do that. (Not sure if that's the right thing to say - but it worked in dd's case).

The other thing dd does is to hang out with the boys where things are less complicated, if the girls are becoming a bit bonkers

I guess it's part of learning about making (and keeping) friends.

[PortAndDemon]

I think your advice was good. I would just reassure your DD that, as pagwatch says, she wasn't being mean but rather fair.

[TheDuchessOfCorpseBride]

It was good advice pag. If they have to 'choose' someone each day then it's much better if they always mix it up rather pick the same girls everyday.

mascara - your post is exactly where I am with 6yo DD1 in Year 2. However, I think she has just transferred her affections from a bossy, selfish, zero-empathy, whining brat child to a very straight-forward mud-pies & tree-climbing sort of girl. And this 'new team' happily let others join in their games when they want. So I'm keeping everything crossed!!!

[pagwatch]

thanks all

I will keep stuff crossed too.
I have reassured DD that she wasn't being mean and thatthe other girl was probably just used to being chosen.
the girl in question is nice enough tbh - just a bit attention seeking.

God boys were easier. they either play together or fight. At least you know which is which. Its all this emotional/passive aggressive stuff I can't get my head around

Thanks for all your comments ..

[macdoodle]

God it is a minefield my DD1 is 7 in Yr 2- bizarrely out of a class of 24 there are only THREE boys so we have 21 girls you can imagine the dramas.....I have taught my 7 yr old to say "whatever" if someone is being mean/bothering her and try not to get involved personally - it often blows over and one that is being mean one day is best friend the next - I think we feel these things more keenly than they do!

[MascaraOHara]

fwiw, it came up at dd's parents evening tnoghit... the teacher (the very young and pretty teacher) said it's very very common for girls of this age.

sorry about my worse than usual typing, I could barely understand what I wrote never mind anyone else!

[harpomarx]

what a horrible sounding system, pagwatch. Kind of like team picking but every day and more intense!

your poor dd having to deal with all these social politics at such a young age

[pointygravedogger]

Personally, I'd stay out of this sort of stuff. I'd let her choose who she wants and not try to influence it. Just be there to talk things through if she's upset without telling her what to do.

[rachelp73]

Pagwatch, I'd be horrified if my school tried to impose such a daft system in my DS's school. Lunchtime is supposed to be a relaxed, informal, sociable time, and surely a time when they can choose to sit with whoever they like. I totally agree with Harpomarx. God, it's almost like social engineering!

What is the idea behind it?

[pagwatch]

Hi all
re the pairing up thing-
They have to walk across the road to get to lunch and then have to collect their food two at a time so they are paired up in order to crocodile behind the teachers as safely as possible.
So the pairing up is a necessity. I guess the choice then is between the teacher pairing them up or a scrum (in which case one child would be the end child anyway).
I spoke to the teacher by co incidence this am anyway and she said that they pair up beautifully and they use this as a method for talking about friendship and kindness, turn taking and sharing- so she does watch it carefully.
They also have bigger girls from the big school to mentor the little ones and the 'three bears' get to sit with a 6th former which apparently is endlessly cool.

My feeling is that the 'last girl chosen' thing is a side issue and actually DD was just feeling a bit abandoned. The other girl makes DD treat her as a best friend but never reciprocates. Telling me about being chosen last was her most obvious way of expressing this I guess.

I think the girl she was so attatched to is 'difficult' just now. And whilst I think I will avoid being involved in future, the decision to ask different girls has had a good outcome for DD( and no fall out).

So thank you all for your support during my wobble. She seems much happier now- and was imediately surrounded by friends as soon as we reach the playground this am.She was chosen by another girl yesterday and also was invited to tea -so hardly a social leper.

I think DD was embellishing her tale of woe for dramatic emphasis

Thanks all for your advice/support though - much appreciated.

[rachelp73]

Ah, pagwatch, thanks for explaining the reasons behind it - can see the sense in it now!

I would have dealt with it all exactly as you did really. By the way, did your DD tell the other girl the reason WHY she'd decided not to pick her that day? Maybe the other girl never realised how unfair it must have seemed to your DD?

Your DD sounds lovely - glad to hear she is happier now.

[pagwatch]

thanks


She did say to the other girl that she still likes her but that she won't keep picking her if she never gets picked back.
Initially the other girl said she was mean but yesterday they were playing together at collection time.

[VinegARGHHHTits]

Why do the school make them do this anyway? imo someone will always feel left out and upset if they are making them pick, why not just all walk to lunch together then sit where they like?

[pagwatch]

I explained that
they are six and have to pair up to safely cross a busy road to get to the lubch hall...

[VinegARGHHHTits]

obviously i missed that bit