What Methods Do You Use With Defiant 4 Year Old (Girl)?

[saggyhairyarse]

That's it really

She does not hold any toys in great esteem so taking stuff away does not work, nor does the naughty step as she couldn't care less. Oh and I do praise her when she is good.

Help, am tearing my hair out!

[Elibean]

Give examples of defiance, please

I have a 4.5 yr old dd, and if I'm in a good enough mood I find being utterly charming confuses her totally and she ends up being charming back. The rest of the time, I use natural consequences 'if you get dressed now, there will be time for ten minutes of TV before nursery, if you don't, there wo'nt be' etc

[Twelvelegs]

You find something she does like... it's called her currency. (God I love Dr Phil)

[saggyhairyarse]

Well for example. was in supermarket and I put yoghurt in the trolley, she did not like said yoghurt and so she threw it out the trolley and it split open all over the floor. When talking about it, after the initial bollocking, she said she did not care because she did not like the yoghurt anyway...

She generally plays up, gets told off and shouts "stupid idiot" and blows raspberries and acts like a right cowpat.

[colditz]

Give her something fantastic. Give it to her in order to threaten to take it away again.

I do not know what I would do without ds1's gamecube. Computer time, probably.

No tv? No swimming trip? No helping mummy cook?

Also, are you being specific enough? Some children just don't get what 'horrible' is - you say "stop being horrible" and they don't really know what you want them to stop doing. Do you say "Stop shoulting, stamping your feet and calling people names. Walk nicely and speak nicely please. That is what I expect to see. That is being good."

[Tidgypuds]

I will watch this thread with interest. My DD (4) is exactly the same.

[Twelvelegs]

I would ignore it at the time and calmly take away a privelage like TV, favourite doll, she seems like she wants a reaction and so do not give her one. Later that day when everything is calm, like bedtime, I would calmly talk about behaviour how disappointed you were with her about X. What good behaviour is and what you expect from her, only positives. Tell her you love her very much.
The idea is that you make her think about what she's done and that never happens in the heat of the moment when she probably thinks you're terrible.
In addition when she is good, which may be tricky, even a little bit praise and reward start with quite over the top. I remember when it was my ds that it was difficult finding things that made him 'good'!!

[scattyspice]

Good advice here. My DS was just the same until he inexplicably just grew out of it and became pretty compliant.

Fingers crossed yours will do the same.

(Also watch for tiredness and hunger, DS is v crabby if not getting enough sleep or not eating frequently).

[saggyhairyarse]

Thanks ever so much for the advice. It prompted me to reacquaint myself with my positive parenting info and the ignore the difficult and praise the good theory.

I think I was fighting fire with fire and matters were only going to escalate so I need to take the matter in hand.

[itati]

Currently what helps with us is to send DD to her room and ban her from reading or playing while she is in there. Works best out of anything we have tried at the moment and I am also letting them earn treats by being better - tv or computer time is what they want atm.

[scattyspice]

I take back all I've said. DS has stropped all the way home from school (tired from school trip and starving as didn't eat his sandwiches!).

[micegg]

I have this problem with my 2.9 year old. I can only imagine what she will be like by the time she is 4! I find taking things way is the best tactic.

[ReallyTired]

My six year old can be pretty defiant.

I found that giving him set of limited choices helps, he then feels that he has some degree of control. However the parent is really in control. For example I would ask him which pair of pyjamias he wants to wear, however he has no choice about changing for bed.

I think tha the most effective sanction is completely and utterly ignoring them. Ie. they throw their tantrum and you just walk away and leave it to them. Admitally its easier said than done.