Feel so guilty for how I shouted at DS (3) yesterday. Pls help me feel better ...

[Twoddle]

I'm going through a difficult separation at the moment, and DS (3) - while adjusting generally really quite well - is getting the worst of me at times.

Bedtimes have become a faff fest - taking an age to clean teeth, wanting more milk, a snack, etc. I don't want to come down on him like a ton of bricks, with everything that's going on; but I'm getting worn down too, as I'm already feeling poo and then my evenings are becoming a bit of a fiasco.

Yesterday evening, he came up to the kitchen to say he was still hungry and thirsty after lights out. I snapped something about him needing to be in bed asleep. He called me a "stupid idiot" which sent me over the edge. I barked at him to get to his room and calm down as it wasn't OK to talk to me like that. He trundled off, and I threw an old plastic dish of his on the floor - it was already cracked and headed for the bin, so I thought it was an acceptable thing to throw in frustration. He came back up to the kitchen and saw what had happened and was mortified.

He cried back down in his room for a bit, then I went down to settle him. He was really upset. He said: "Mummy, you shouted at me and I cried and cried. You've hurt my feelings. You shouldn't talk to little boys like that."

And of course he's absolutely right.

This evening in bed, he said he was still sad about how I talked to him yesterday.

Crikey, this is a bloody tough time. X does see DS a few times a week and I have family close by, but it's still emotionally and physically exhausting. I'm scared that I'm really too inconsistent, wobbly, explosive and tearful at the moment to be DS's rock. Will he be OK? How the hell do I avoid this kind of thing happening when I'm maxed out myself, and just very sad? Can anyone tell me it's not that damaging?!

Sigh. Feel better for getting it off my chest, at least. Thanks for listening.

[controlfreakyagain]

please dont beat yourself up.... you sound really and understandably stressed by all you have to cope with atm.... you know it wasnt a good thing to do, but it'll be fine.... have you said sorry? when i lose it i always apologise when i've calmed down... the making things better after a mistake is a good lesson for him you know... good luck.

[Twoddle]

Thanks for post, control.

Yes, I've apologised. Explained that Mummy's sad and tired, and that my feelings hurt too, when DS said what he did so we both need to try to be kinder to each other. Lots of talking about it. Sorries. I feel so guilty though.

The worry is, I'm bound to do similar again. But of course Dad isn't stressed at all ATM - he's all happy - and it'd break my heart if DS came to favour jolly patient Dad, who has DS in novelty, all-eyes-on-DS bursts, after all the hurt he's caused. Argh - what a mess.

Yes, I messed up. I suppose what would be helpful to know is how could/can I handle this kind of stress differently next time, when I feel it again at the end of the day? How can I kindly, lovingly get DS settled to bed at a sensible time and have enough evening for myself?

Thanks.

[cantseemyfeet]

Twoddle,

You are going through more or less the same as me and I KNOW how tough it is to try to stay calm when all you want to do is scream.

I am on my own with 3 DS's the youngest being 8 months and I DREAD bedtime. My 3 yr old is being a typical 3 yr old and it is soo draining at times I just want to scream "will you all just leave me alone for 5 minutes". Baby is teething, 3 yr old is knackered after nursery and falling asleep at 5 then wide awake half the night and the wanky knobhead I chose to have children with, thinks if he spends an hour a week taking them for a walk round the corner to the park that he has spent quality time with them. So I know exactly how you feel and I have yelled at the kids when they have played up. I always apologise afterwards and then spend the rest of the night feeling guilty ESPECIALLY when you look at them tucked up asleep looking all angelic!

If you feel like you are going to explode with him again just walk out of the room, I go and grab a drink of water and count to 10 (I cant yell if im drinking) and I know this is going to sound bizzarre but I bought one of them boxercise dvds(taibo). When I have got kids in bed I do the work out and all the excercises that involve punching I just imagine ex is stood in front of me! Its great fun and gets all the stress and anger Ive felt through the day out of me. The fact I could barely move the first week after doing it was irrelevant!!!

[Twoddle]

Thanks, cantseemyfeet. LOL at the boxercise - what a good idea! I'm not exercising regularly actually, and that could help keep my temper at bay.

DS and I have had a better morning this morning - some lovely quality time. And we talked over lunch about when Mummy got cross the other night, and I asked him what he thought was a better way to handle that - because we're both going to get angry sometimes. He said that I shouldn't shout at him to get out (well, of course!) but that I should tell him I love him but that I need time out and walk to a different room. Bless him. He's 3 going on 30!

So we have a strategy. That's good. And I'm the parent, so I need to take responsibility for getting bedtime started early enough - not letting it all run away from me.

Sigh, this is tough, isn't it? I'm so sorry to hear you're going through it too - with triple the work. How the hell are you coping?! Good luck to you, and thanks for your advice.

x

[cantseemyfeet]

Hi again,

Sounds like your DS has a good head on his shoulders.The fact that you have both talked about it and he knows that you are sorry for what has happened is good. And the chances are, he will of forgotten about it a lot sooner than you will. Please dont beat yourself up over it, we all boil over sometimes. The important thing is that you have apologised and he is happy.

We are all human at the end of the day, you have got to remember, this is the hardest job you will ever do. You dont get to clock off at 5 and relax or spend the weekend chilling out like we used too(happy days). You are on call 24/7 and it is totally understandable when it gets a bit too much sometimes.

I have good days and bad days. Today has been BAD day, baby has top tooth coming through and has screamed every time I have tried to put him down, its not his fault bless him but I felt like screaming by tea time. DS2 became Satan the minute we hit the shops, he sat on the path in protest because I wouldnt buy him and ice cream then wandered off in a shop and began eating the carrots at the veg stall(little darling). My house looks like it has been ransacked but I know it wont be always like this and as long as they are happy and healthy thats what counts. I nearly lost DS2 to Meningitis is January and it really was a wake up call. He was lucky I know there are so many that were not so whenever I feel like buying a large cage for ds2 to play in (joke!!) I just remember how lucky I am to have him here.

Yes its tough, God knows its the hardest thing I have ever done but just hearing them laugh or seeing baby crawl to dvd rack, drag them all out then give me the biggest grin is worth all the bad days.

I hope you get things sorted with your DH, you need support and it sounds like probs with him is maybe what is causing most of the stress, I know how that feels and you need to get things sorted with him for YOUR sake.

Keep your chin up and just put shouting at Ds down to a bad day, you will have plenty of good ones.