attitudes to letting children see a relatives body before burial.

[skeletonbones]

My childrens great uncle died this week. I have explained to them that he was very old and his body was too worn out to keep working and they have been fine so far. We are bringing him home to my aunties house where he lived, before the funeral and all the adult relatives will be viewing his body.
I am wondering what to do if the chidlren ask to view him too. I can't see much of a case for not letting them, I've seen him just after he died and he looked peacefull and not at all scary.,and I think it might reasure them that were not putting him in the ground asleep as they are a bit worried that he might need to pop out of his coffin for a drink of water, or the loo (!)
just wondered what the general feeling about lettinhg children see dead relatives was, as I'm in two minds really.
the children are 5 and 7 by the way.

[belgo]

I wouldn't want my children to see the dead body of a relative at this age. I think it would be too hard to explain.

But I think in some cultures it's normal.

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[belgo]

I wouldn't want to see the body myself either.

[AgonyBeetle]

Oh god, just had a flashback to when I was 7 one of the nuns at school died, and we all had to file past her open coffin and kiss her forehead.

Irish catholics big on open coffins ime. Both my kids have been in school choir and have been taken over to the church to sing at funerals featuring open coffins.

Friend of mine's Dad died recently, and they had him in the sitting room in an open coffin for the best part of a week before the actual funeral. Each to their own, I say.

[littleducks]

My fil died last year, culturally it is a norm for dhs family, thankfully for me dd was only 9 months or so and explaining everything wasnt an issue. My nieces and nephews all viewed the body, tbh the older ones 12 and 9 found it more awkward than the younger ones 6 and 3 who seemed a bit blase about the whole thing (they did play burying grandad for a week or two after which sil ignored and the soon stopped).

I saw the body just after he died and at the funeral two days later, he did look a bit different at the funeral, loss of colour etc. I found it a bit odd and wasnt totally comfortable with the whole thing or the public mourning but as that was the first death in the family for all the kids they just accepted that this was the funeral process.

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

My uncle died when I was about 10-12. He'd had cancer and looked totally different to the young, plump man I knew. I'd seen dead bodies before then but he's the first I remember.

My DS at 4 saw his stillborn baby brother and took it all in his stride.

[PortAndLemon]

I certainly wouldn't suggest it, and if they asked I would try to discourage them. If they were insistent that they wanted to see the body, though, then I would let them. I doubts many children that age would want to, though.

[KITTENSOCKS]

People never look like themselves after death, despite the undertakers best efforts.They don't look the same as just after they've died (speaking from personal experience of seeing FIL both times.) I wouldn't let children see the body, but would focus on looking at photos of the relative in happier times.

However, children of 5 and 7 could cope with a funeral, and might like to choose some flowers. There are also some good childrens books dealing with the subject of death to help them understand it.

[skeletonbones]

thanks for replies.Yes they will be attending the funeral Kittensocks. I know what you mean about people looking different after the embalming process from when my great grandma died, he might not look as 'ok' as when he had just died and i saw him.

[Unfitmother]

I let my son see my Dad when he just died but a week later when I saw him at the undertakers he didn't look the same and I didn't take the dcs then.

[artichokes]

My mother's family were catholic and the catholics are big on viewing the dead. Therefore, by the time I was 12 i had viewed the bodies of my dad, my grandma, my uncle and my grandpa .

I actually found the viewings quite interesting and less distressing than watching the bodies diappear into the incinerator at the crematorium. However, as an adult I have found viewings much harder. The image of my dead mother stays with me and can make it hard for me to remember her alive.

[oiFoiF]

if they are that young and its not a dad or mum, or granny then i wouldnt show them tbh

the only person i have visited at the chapel of rest is my sister and i was 24. It was bad enough for me then tbh

[bubblagirl]

i think an explanation maybe on how you would want them to remember him is how he was

children become curious and want to do what others are doing but it may be very disturbing for them and the curiosity may not be such a good idea

i think i owuld rather at that age tell them he wouldnt want them to see him like that that he wants to be rmembered by them as he was laughing or along them lines any memories of them together mentioned

i think i would have wanted to at that age but would not have handled it very well it would just be out of curiosity

[southeastastra]

yes agree with fio, i saw my mum once. and wish i hadn't really. better to remember them as they were.

[GrapefruitMoon]

Agree they are too young.

[LouiseAnn]

I think it is difficult to make this decision. We had to decide last year whether to let our 8yo son see his 11yo brother in the chapel of rest at the hospital. We did in the end and I think it was the right decision. He was very upset for ten minutes, then was fine. He was only in the room for a few minutes.

[oiFoiF]

southeatsatsra, you know I was completely freaked out that she was breathing and I was an adult. Then I touched her and the coldness will stay with me forever its not really something I want my children to go through until there i a need for them

[oiFoiF]

oh and I can understand a brother louise, so please dont take what i said the wrong way x

[southeastastra]

i know fio, i couldn't touch my mum, i just looked quickly.

[Blandmum]

I saw my father, but I was an adult by then.

I don't really know what to do about the kids when Dh dies. I think I'll talk to the childhood grief and loss counselors and ask their advice (as well as taking the kids feeling into account naturally)

[southeastastra]

in some religions it's the norm isn't it

[wrinklytum]

I think it depends on the child really.Its a difficult one.I have been there when children have said goodbye to a close relative It was very heartbreaking, but the other parent felt it was the right thing.The children were quite young,two wanted to and one did not,so stayed outside with one of us giving them cuddles and choccy biscuits.) Some people want to and others don't.Some people think that it helps to make it clear that the person has died,if that makes sense.

[lilyfire]

One of my earliest memories is being about 4 and seeing the body of my grandfather. He was in bed at home and it was the morning after he died. I just looked from the door. I wasn't at all upset about it and remember feeling curious. It obviously made an impression though as I can still recall how he looked quite vividly. I think I was reassured that he looked peaceful and as if he was sleeping. I think if they want to see him, I'd let them, but they might just want to peep, rather than go too close. I think I'd prob be much more freaked out now at seeing a dead relative than I was then.

[LouiseAnn]

OifOif - don't worry. This is a difficult one. In some ways it seemed quite daring/risky to do it (let his brother see him), but I was comforted by the fact that it is normal in some cultures.
I regretted not seeing my Grandma after she died at our house. I was about 12.
Our son was very cold in the chapel of rest, but that emphasised to me that his soul had left and gone somewhere else.