Should I try and socialise with other school mums so my DS gets to play with their kids?

[kneedeepinthedirtylaundry]

I'm not interested. Do I have to? DS goes to nursery a good few times a week and is popular there. We do activities out of nursery several times per week. He doesn't seem bored with life, or bad at socialising.

Anyone else keep away from the school crowd? Am I doing DS a diservice?

[ProfessorGrammaticus]

It makes life easier if you know other mums, tbh

[kneedeepinthedirtylaundry]

How?

[K999]

You dont really have to mix with the other mums IMO...you can always invite one of his friends round after nursery etc......I did this with dd1 and not only did dd1 end up with good friends, so did I!!!

[newgirl]

i think your ds will get invited to more things if the other parents know you/trust you, so yep, try and be friendly!

also, i think it is a good role model to your kid to show that other people are part of their community/have feelings etc and that people like his mother

you dont have to tell them your intimate secrets etc - just be pleasant and polite

[gagarin]

DO you mean school nursery or pre-school nursery?

Once you are at the "real school" gates it is essential to make aquaintances (don't have to be friends) to smooth the friendship angst that will come your way throughout school life.

If it is pre-school stuff - then no, not unless you're keen!

[VictorianSqualor]

You don't have to socialise with them if you're happy to invite their Dc's over for playdates when DS wants them over.

I speak to the mums at school, have phone numbers of a couple of them incase of emergencies and have some of the DC's over for playdates, I don't socialise though.

Even the phone numbers was just as a result of having their DC's over, obviously having a contact point and then as I'm now heavily pg they have said to give a call if need be.

It can be nice though when the DC's are older if you at least talk to some of them, at DD's school we have school discos etc and I'd be pretty bored if I went along and didn't speak to anyone.

[kneedeepinthedirtylaundry]

School nursery. I see what you mean.

I'm polite and friendly, just a bit distantly so - don't stay to chat, and never try to make arrangements to see anyone with their kids.

If I'm polite and smiley at the gates, is that enough? Or do you think I should try to make park dates, etc?

[ProfessorGrammaticus]

So their children will come for tea, so you can phone them when letters don't come home, so they will have your child for a bit when the NUT go on strike, so you hear what's going on at school when the school fail to tell you...

[newgirl]

why not just be friendly to say the mums/dads of the 2-3 kids that your ds likes the most? that can't be that hard surely..!

not sure about park dates? just invite chosen kids over for tea now and then, else you are hanging around with the mums in the park too

[eekamoose]

I think its a good idea to make the effort when they are 4+. Then you can do playdates (aaarrrggggh hate that term, can't think what else you call them) without having to involve the mums, too, if you don't want to.

Before age 4 most children are not that bothered about friends and social networking and the like. They can take it or leave it. It really doesn't take off until proper school.

[VictorianSqualor]

It's fine for now, as they get older DS will want his friends over or you'll have birthday parties and invite them to those, but that's plenty IME.
Oh and definitely have a party reception year, invite as many children as you can (or whose names you can remember) then you'll get return invites for DS and the later years you cna have smaller more intimate parties with less children because you'll get to know them better.
Also worth knowing which mothers do the helping in school and are governers/pta and inviting their children, guarnatee school socialising will centre round them and their friends so your DS will have an easier time of things in that respect,a lso they're more likely to be the parents that offer help if you need it.

(DD's best friends are the loud kid in class and the governers daughter )

[kneedeepinthedirtylaundry]

I'm more than happy to have their DC's over for play dates, just not the mums!

[gagarin]

I think nursery is a bit young to want to go home for tea with other kids on a regular basis - that takes off in reception and year 1. Being pleasant is enough. The rest will develop.

Just beware - if you ask about friends the first name mentioned may well be the one name your LO hears the most while at nursery - the one the teacher is always saying "Now, now Nigel - don't pinch the girls/hit the boys/pick your nose" etc etc.

There seems to be a fatal attraction to the naughty kids....

[VictorianSqualor]

Also, if you think the mums are likely to come over and you dont want them to, invite the children with older siblings, after school.
Mum will be busy then.

[gagarin]

Most mums aren't looking for friends either - just a few friendly faces to chat to during the next 5 years in the same playground.

[kneedeepinthedirtylaundry]

That's a good tip VictorianSqualor! Invite older siblings!

[eekamoose]

Well tis hard but try very hard not to start getting friendly with mums whose dcs are a bit clingy and won't go anywhere without Mummy!

[VictorianSqualor]

Lol, no, don't invite the older siblings, invite children who have older siblings, that way mum will need to be at home with them and be quite happy for her DC to go to a friends for tea and be dropped off later.

Also always drop off, you can leave your DC in the car, engine running and take their Dc to the door, no time to pop in and you don't have to invite them in either.

[kneedeepinthedirtylaundry]

Got it!

I imagined mum offloading kids and rushing off shopping/gym/hairdressers/cheap motel for affair with gardener.

[VictorianSqualor]

God, I sound really unsociable don't I?
All these tips on how not to be friends with the mums at school

[Iota]

what's so wrong with school mums?!? - after all almost everyone on Mumsnet is or will be a school mum

[VictorianSqualor]

Nothing Iota, the mums at DD's school are all nice people but I don't do small talk and am crap at coffee morning type things so find it easier to just talk at the school and swap children.

[motherinferior]

I bloody love the other parents at the school gates. I don't do coffee mornings, but do do the agonised conversations about work/life/kids/school/relationships on the way home, and return to my desk with a huge sense of relief that I am not alone in finding life slightly tough at times.

[kneedeepinthedirtylaundry]

I'm with VictorianSqualor - i think they're all nice, but am so useless at small talk. That's the sticking point.

[willali]

I think you should start to build relationships with these other mums as you will probably be seeing a lot of them over the next few years! Perhaps "target" the ones who live closest to you as these can be very handy if you are ill and need favours like lifts to school etc (personal experience here!!)Do you have other friends outside the school scenario with similar age kids that you spend time with? If so, then maybe relax, if not consider what you and your child might be missing out on... Coffee mornings etc are really useful (more so as the child gets older) for gossip about school, admissions etc that you would not get anywhere else - I just sit and listen and soak up the info!!