Is DS being victimised or am I being over-protective?

[MrsSnape]

I've posted before about the problems we're having with DS at school, basically I know he's no angel, teachers have a right time with him (as I do at home) and he currently been assessed for ADHD.

He has been like this since reception and he's now in year 2. Thing is, these days he seems to get the blame for EVERYTHING. There is a group of boys that all mess around, DS is one of them but if they all start playing up, DS is the one that gets sent out the classroom.

If he bumps into someone at playtime the teachers send him to the wall for playing rough but he often gets knocked into and ends up full of bruises and the teachers just ignore it.

I found out from another parent that at her sons open night the teacher told her that her sons bad behaviour was all down to my DS! And that he was a bad influence on all the other boys

Just before the easter holidays DS was send to the head. Apparantly all the boys on his table were singing that song ("lonely...I'm so lonely...") and DS instantly got the blame and got sent out, none of the others did. Thing is, DS doesn't even know that song, we don't listen to that kind of music so I have a hard time believing he taught the song to all the other kids and then took the lead in singing it??

And then a few weeks ago 3 of them were told off and told to stand on the wall at playtime for 5 minutes each. After 5 minutes the other 2 boys were allowed to go off and play but DS had to stay there for the entire playtime by himself.

Don't get me wrong, I KNOW he's no angel and I'm not saying he has no part in these incidents at all but why is he always getting the full blame? How can I approach this without making it seem like I'm an OTT mum?

[ILiveinhope]

no idea. but would like to bump

[Monkeytrousers]

This does sound like bad taching to me. If what you are saying is accurate, he cannot be culpable for everythingm but if terachers and assistants have themselves leart that they can difuse a sutuation quiockly by blaming it on him, then it is a matter for the head.

It is very unlikely, statistically, in a school full of mischeioveous children, that he is to blame for every misdeed. And using him as a scpaegoat is actually going to encourage bullying.

I would write this to the head. I'll help you word it when I'm sober if you like?

[Miggsie]

I do not think you are being OTT.
I noticed that my DD is told she is "naughty" at the drop of a hat while another girl in the class behaved outrageously and it was treated as a joke.
I understand why you are annoyed.
Write down all the incidents that you can think of and ask for a meeting with the teacher and discuss it quietly.
It is wrong if one child gets noticeably more punishment than the others, the worst scenario being that others will involve him in their wrongdoing knowing if he is involved he'll get more blame and they'll get less punishment.
Ask the teachers why punishments were unevenly distributed. Challenge them calmly but forcefully. DH does this kind of thing so well, with lovely polite phrases like "and just how did you reach that conclusion?" and "your justification for that is?" and "can you give me specific examples?" and "what would be your strategy in such situations?". If they start taking the high horse you can use "I am not seeing evidence of that currently" as well as "I do not think, in practice that is how it is working" and "what would be the affect on other children?"

[neolara]

Sounds like the school is becoming obsessed with all the things that are going wrong. How about suggesting to them that you and he are finding it really demoralising just hearing about the bad stuff (even if you aren't) and that you and your DS would find it really motivating if the school concentrated on things that were going well. Then suggest that each day they send home "things that have gone well" notes. They could write them on a post-it note so it's not lots of work. A teaching assistant could be asked to do it maybe. Sometimes people just need to shift their vision slightly and then that shift can have a huge knock on effect. They might start noticing more the stuff that goes right and your DS might start to feel that he is getting a payoff for behaving appropriately.

[avenanap]

My ds is going through something very similar to this. I call it bullying. The teachers are trying this to get ds to follow the rules and do as he is told. They are trying to zombify him. I am moving my ds to a new school so he can start again without the naughty kid label. It's probably not your ds, they want kids that are bright and don 't stand out, are not opinionated and don't cause them extra work. It's the system. I suggest you try and find somewhere that is more sympathetic to your child's needs. It can be very difficult to get rid of the 'naughty kid' label, if not impossible. Give him your love and try to understand his personality. This should help you back him up.

[Nannypep]

Have you had a quiet word with the Head? No child can ALWAYS be in the wrong and with your son's condition it won't help his self esteem to be told he's naughty all the time. He won't understand because he doesn't realise the cause and effect of his impulsive behaviour even when he is in the wrong.

If the school has already requested he be assessed, they should have the sensitivity to handle him in a way that suits his possible condition. I suggest you lay all this out to the Head and let him/her know you feel your son is being made a scapegoat. You could take it further, to the LEA, but a word to the Head teacher should be enough.

I taught in an Infants' School and have a degree in Special Education, so I know how these things happen. Stand up for him....nobody else will do it as well as you!

[SaintGeorge]

Oh this makes me as I see it happen at the school I work at.

We have a couple of kids in similiar situations. With one (I'll call him A), the situation got so severe that he was banned from playing outside at playtime and has to be supervised on a 1-to-1 basis over lunchtimes.

I have often been his 1-to-1 supervisor. There have been many occasions when other children have accused A of kicking or hitting them yet I have been with him the whole time so I know that they are lying. The thing is, A has a bad reputation. The other kids know that, on balance, they will be the ones believed, not poor A. He certainly isn't an angel either, but the way others assume he is always in the wrong makes me want to cry for him.

Afraid I have no advice, but you have my sympathy.

[Monkeytrousers]

It may be a case of persecution. I have just go the ofsted report from DS's nursery and infacts and because they were 'unlucky' (in the contect of points) enough to have a SN child who was still in the process of being diagnosed at nursery level went dow from excellent to good.

Thinking that the head might not be the best person to contact as they are there to manage those stat problems.

Who else would you cc to apart from the head?

[Monkeytrousers]

and infants sorry