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Original poster

13 yo son hasn't been to school for 8 months, I got cross with him yesterday

67 replies

rob38 · 27/04/2024 12:30

My son lives primarly with his mum. He does not have ASD, ADHD etc. there are no issues preventing him from going to school, he is just able to stay at home if he wants too.

Yesterday I wrote 'As you are intelligent you could have a bright future open to you, doing any job or career you like, or you could stay up late and slob around at your mums - its up to you'.

Was that too harsh?

OP posts:
ProfessorPeppy · 27/04/2024 12:35

The best way to win hearts and minds with teenagers is not to lose your rag. Try to find out what’s stopping him going to school, talk to him. Speak to his teachers/SENDCo and find out what their perspective is. Where are his friends and what are they doing? Which subjects does he like/find hard? Why is mum letting him stay at home?

All of the above is a starting point. You can then come up with a plan for re-engaging him in school.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 27/04/2024 12:42

Are you sure there isn't a reason / any SEN?

Have you ever been involved ed with school? Parents evenings, school pick up or drop off etc.

School would simply not allow absence of 8 months and not intervened. Do you mean his Mum has deregistered him?

Also, sending him a text like that isn't very helpful. You could offer him some help, to chat, to open up, to confide. You could have asked him if he needed support, therapy, to see a GP. Is there any bullying, depression, anxiety? You aren't really exploring the reasons or options.

I'm guessing you don't have a great relationship with his Mum, otherwise there would be more understanding and communication about why he has been absent for 8 months.

It rather sounds like you're just judging his Mum's parenting and not helping.

Obviously I say that due to any lack of further information you've provided. Just one text to your son saying "buck up" and little to no background.

What do you want to happen?

stealthninjamum · 27/04/2024 12:44

Why does your son say he can’t go to school? What does ‘primarily’ lives with his mum mean? Could you have him more often?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families
SuperLois34 · 27/04/2024 12:45

Why have you started two identical threads on this?

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 27/04/2024 12:45

I think you need to step up, and do a little bit more for your child who hasn't been to school in 8 months. Unfortunately a Frank Spencer type disapproving "mmmmm" and a head shake isn't really going to cut it.

FeetupTvon · 27/04/2024 12:47

That must be very frustrating for you but what is the reason he’s not attending school?

Sweetheart7 · 27/04/2024 12:47

Do you and your Son's mum not get along very well? Do not write notes to your child!

Dacadactyl · 27/04/2024 12:50

I'd be turning up every morning and taking him there.

However, perhaps the fact that you and his mum aren't together (and potentially don't get on because you disagree on parenting strategies/school being essential) doesn't help matters.

How often do you see him? What does his mum say about why he doesn't go?

gcask · 27/04/2024 12:51

The tone of this post seems to be "It is everyone else's fault things are not going the way I think they should".

Do you think that by sending this text you can make things be the way you want, just because you said so?

Maybe stamp your foot and see if that helps.

Catinmyshedoh · 27/04/2024 12:51

Is he being home educated or is he enrolled at school but just doesn't go? They're two quite different scenarios.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 27/04/2024 12:53

I wouldn't text. I would go to the house and walk to school with the child and into school reception.

ASighMadeOfStone · 27/04/2024 12:54

It wasn't harsh enough. But it should be with the person he lives with who is facilitating his non attendance.

Presumably the authorities are already involved if he has been absent from school for the entire year?

Freakonaleash · 27/04/2024 12:56

Ukholidaysaregreat · 27/04/2024 12:53

I wouldn't text. I would go to the house and walk to school with the child and into school reception.

Same here. I have to put in so much more effort parenting a teen than a primary key stage one or two child. It's a lot harder, is frustrating as hell. They need steering and support, active as opposed to passive parenting, regardless of living with mum or not.

Original poster
rob38 · 27/04/2024 12:57

@Dacadactyl @FeetupTvon @ProfessorPeppy @RainbowZebraWarrior @SuperLois34 @Sweetheart7 @Sweetheart7 @Theredfoxfliesatmidnight @stealthninjamum

My son is 13, my son's mother has issues, possibly mental health issues. There are no problems for my son in attending school other than that he prefers to stay up late, and sleep in an game, and is allowed to by his mum. He is confident, intelligent and has lots of friends, many whom also try to get him to go back to school. Camhs, Social Services, and Early Help Worker and school have been involved, they have all agreed that the issue is a parenting one - that his mum is not parenting him, getting him to school etc. and she has been advised to take parenting lessons by school. I have tried to make a renewed application for custody, but am traumatised from the previous time at court and have had to cancel that application after having nightmares, panic attacks etc.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 27/04/2024 12:57

Someone else has a thread about homeschooling and they say obviously unless your child has asd etc but there are other reasons in the world that kids aren’t getting on ok in school. If he doesn’t want to be/isn’t in school there’s an issue- it’s friends/ bullying/anxiety … something. You and your child’s mum need to talk. Also I’m assuming school authorities wouldn’t let him out for this long, there’s definitely something else going on.

Zwicky · 27/04/2024 12:59

Are you taking the piss? You haven’t taken your 13yo to school for 8 months and think a text message saying “up to you” is too harsh?
Neither of his parents look after him, but only his mum is “not parenting” him.

Dacadactyl · 27/04/2024 13:00

@rob38 I am sorry to hear you've found it difficult however your son needs you to push on and make custody happen tbh.

Can you come to an arrangement with your ex that he comes to live with you on an informal arrangement while she sorts out her MH?

amylou8 · 27/04/2024 13:04

Why are you not taking your son to school? If his mum is unwilling or unable then you need to step up. You are equally responsible as his parent. Go to court and get residence if that's what is takes.

Original poster
rob38 · 27/04/2024 13:05

@rob38 I am not able to sadly. And I have not been able to make an arrangement.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 27/04/2024 13:05

The onus is on the parent who he lives with. Communication should go through her. After 8 months he can’t just waltz back in.

Dacadactyl · 27/04/2024 13:07

Is there anyone from your side of the family who can help get him to school and provide his mum with support?

Sending him texts is not going to cut the mustard. Practical help and action is what's required.

Original poster
rob38 · 27/04/2024 13:11

@Dacadactyl

His mum gets support from her dad, but it seems to make no difference. There is nothing I can do other than sending texts at this point.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 27/04/2024 13:14

Do you see him at all?

Original poster
rob38 · 27/04/2024 13:17

@Dacadactyl

Yes I do, I stays over with his friends, I give him lifts, he stays over during the holidays. Sadly I have been diagnosed as having migraine spots on my brain, which come from migraines I believe. I only get migraines when I see my son at the moment due to the stress of him not going to school. I am waiting to see a neurologist but have had to stop seeing him until then, or until he goes back to school.

OP posts:
randomusernam · 27/04/2024 13:30

This has got to be a joke right. The mum is awful for not making him go to school but you won't do anything to get him to go except send nasty texts. You then come on the internet and want us to tell you it's ok. Plenty of mums get Migraines and carry on. If you find it so stressful do you not consider that maybe mum does too and you need to work together not send nasty text messages. You are both failing your son so don't turn around and try and blame it all on mum. Tired