What to do when one DC says they keep getting hit by the other...

[Sugarmagnolia]

but the other a)fiercely denies it and b)is to clever to get caught?

Over the last few weeks DS(4) keeps claiming that DD(7) is hitting/pushing/kicking him. The problem is I've never caught her at it and she totally denies it. I can't just call her a liar without some proof.

On the one hand she has left visible marks on him once or twice and I strongly believe he is more likely to be telling the truth that she is (based on past evidence).

On the other hand, he is liable to burst into tears if she so much as looks at him the wrong way.

I'm getting a bit fed up with the both of them and don't know what to do!!

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[GooseyLoosey]

Mine (3 and 4) do this sometimes. Dd claims ds hits her, but as with yours, she is prone to over-react. I have in desparation sat them both on chairs at opposite ends of the kitchen and said they are not going anywhere until I get the same story from each of them, and they are not allowed to talk to each other (otherwise ds persuades dd to agree to his version of events). The longer it takes, the more trouble the one who is lying to me is in. It has never taken more than 5 mins.

[Sugarmagnolia]

don't hold back cod! yes, she can be difficult but it's still not very nice hearing someone else calling your child a cow. Feel free to actually offer some advice rather than just sling insults.

Thanks Goosey, think I will try that, I have definitely reached the desperation stage!

[Twiglett]

divide and conquer

take dd out on her own and talk to her and tell her that you know (knowing look) that she sometimes hits her brother and you'd like to know why

she won't say anything

explain to her how it makes you feel, how it makes ds feel and how you'd like it stop

ask her for her help as the 'big girl' in the family to make it stop

[Cappuccino]

shout 'what on earth is it now'

bellow 'we don't hit one another, either of you, just go and play'

go back into kitchen

this is on my Best Parenting Day obv

[Dropdeadfred]

i think you should believe your ds....after all you have seen the marks..poor little thing

If you were being hit by someone every day would you expect people to believe you or would your dh wait until he 'saw it with his own eyes' before sympathising?

you are allowing her to grow sneaky

[WanderingTrolley]

Cod
Helpful?

Make a big fuss of ds if he comes to you claiming he's been hit or hurt. Give him an extra biscuit, an extra bedtime story, let him sit and watch tv to make up for it. You want to put out the message 'hurt and upset children get lots of love and cuddles and treats.' Your dd should soon twig this isn't what she wants - she might get to hit him once (if she is hitting him - some 4 year olds can bump into a wall and are convinced they've been shoved) but if that means he gets 10minutes of tv, well, she can decide if it's worth it.

It can be a big mistake to interfere in sibling disputes - generally I believe in letting them get on with it and work it out themselves. However when one child is getting hurt consistently, it's another matter. If you do catch her, you need to come down on her like a ton of bricks. Whatever her punishment is, do not make ds a part of it - eg, he can have your sweets. I'm a big believer if the punishment fitting the crime, personally, but also whatever works.

As long as this phase is going on, you need to keep them apart as much as is possible. Try to make sure one is within eyeshot, keep one upstairs and one downstairs. Move dining chairs around so they aren't within kicking distance of each other. Tell them not to look at each other if necessary. This all sounds a bit draconian, I know, but I have dealt with this sort of thing before, and this is what I did. I even had 2 children eating back to back at one point to avoid the face pulling. What did I get? "I'm pulling a face at him even though he's behind me." "Well I'm doing the same to you!" Cue two children gurning their way through lunch. You can't win....

I think it might be worth having a talk with dd and ask her why ds keeps saying she has hurt him, and how sad you are that he is saying this, and how proud you would be if she were always nice to him. Say you'd be very disappointed in her if she was hurting him all the time. Tell her you know she's a lovely girl and you can't understand why he would think she's hit him, what does she think? In other words, use guilt! And when they are playing nicely, or even if she's leaving him alone, make sure you make a fuss of her good behaviour too.

Sorry, lots of rambling. The other thing is, is this something new? OR have they always clashed? I'd keep an eye out if it's something new - are you sure dd isn't get pushed around a bit herself, maybe at school? Or is there something else going on, and she's taking her frustrations out on ds?

ANd now I've just read Twiglett's post - who put all the above into a few lines. Dear God I do waffle on......

[Twiglett]

so, basically Wanderingtrolley .. you agree with me, right?

[WanderingTrolley]

and

Look, could you just tell me when you're going to post so I can get in there first, pleeeease? I'm going to have to start posting when you're not here - are you leaving the country any time soon?

Or just post "Here's what WT thinks, and I agree with her," and then wait till I get there adn I'll put "YEs, Twig and I think that....."

I'm changing my name to IAgreeWithTwigBecauseImIncapableOfIndependentThought.

[cory]

tbh I wouldn't go over the top with giving biscuits etc to the injured one; I have been caught out in the past, believing that one of them is the injured innocent when it's more a case of six of one and half a dozen of the other.

And I have known mine to be extremely manipulative to the extent of bursting into tears when the other one was nowhere near them (and they didn't know they were being watched). Or to have been telling the truth once and embelleshing it the next time. I have also known both of them to bite their own arm and then claim the other one did it.

I am not saying you should accuse anyone of lying, but sometimes Cappucino's approach may be the one that works best, with the occasional shot of the Twiglett approach. Have one serious talk, but on repeated occasions, send them into separate rooms.

[Sugarmagnolia]

LOL cappuccino - that IS my tried and tested approach! How did you know? Unfortunately, it is clearly not working.

WT- I have also tried the keeping them apart approach - sending them each to their own rooms to play until they can calm down/play together nicely etc. It helps in the moment but doesn't seem to be making a difference in the long run.

They've always been able to play together beautifully one minute and fight the next but the hitting is something new. Neither one of them has ever done much hitting, mainly because when they have they've gotten into so much trouble.

I don't really want to go down the making a fuss of DS route because he's already prone to playing the ?I'm teeelllling? card at the drop of a hat. But talking to DD could work. The ?you're a big girl? approach has worked in the past. ie if you want to be treated like a big girl and be allowed things that DS isn't then you need to act like one.

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[Alambil]

Punish them both until one or the other admits to the lies.. then punish the liar for lying.

Worked on me and my sister