why doesnt she like me

[llynnnn]

my dd is 19mths and whenever we are together she tantrums and throws herself on the floor, wont do anthing i ask her to do (go in pushchair, lay down while i change her, get dressed, go to sleep etc etc, even eat her dinner) yet when she is with anyone else she is perfectly behaved.
I work 3 days a week so am alone with her for 2-3 days while dh is working. the other days she is either in day nursery or at my mums. she is always pefect for them. never cries, eats all her meals, gets in and out of the pushchair and car seat whenever needed.

Why does she hate me so much that she is so bad when i have her? I really try to ignore her and distract her with other things. i give her 100% attention, we go out to toddler groups, to the park, play in the garden etc etc but she always ends up throwing a big hissy fit.

What am i doing wrong? how can i get her to like me? should i give up and go back to work full time?

Its realy getting me down and everyday is getting worse and worse

I cant help thinking i should never have had her if i'm so crap at looking after her

[colditz]

She doesn't have to like you, you're her mum. Her behavior is perfectly normal for her age - sounds just like ds2 with me. Weeping and flailing about piteously - "Ohhhh noooooooo mamamamamama! Ohhh NOOOOOOOOO!"

The vile creature doesn't behave like that with anyone else - because he's not totally sure anyone else loves him enough to put up with it

[LilRedWG]

Agree with Colditz - DD is 21 months and I've noticed that her worst behavious is always saved for DH and me.

[BroccoliSpears]

Yup, Colditz speaks the truth. She pushes your boundaries further than anyone elses because she thinks she can, and it's reassuring for her to prove to herself that there's nothing she can do to push you away.

[Quadrophenia]

I agree she does this with because she feels secure, she is testing your boundaries, its perfectly normal. Please don't beat yourself up over it, we have all been there, my seven year old still plays me up from tiem to time just to test the boundaries.

[llynnnn]

can't i stop her though. I feel like its pushing me soooooo far sometimes i just want to scream at her. its really effecting my relationship with her as i dread the days when its just me and her alone, i just know its going to end in tears (from us both)

[LilRedWG]

I've found setting boundaries and sticking to my guns, even when I really want to give in and let her do what she wants, is working.

DD now knows that if I say, "If you draw on the cat again I will take the pen off you!" that I mean it. If she does it again I do take the pen off her and we have the inevitable tantrum, but the next time she remembers and isn't so quick to try it on.

Do pick your battles though because it is tiring. But once you have said something you have to carry it through, even if you know you are being unreasonable.

Hope this helps.

[LilRedWG]

With the car seat/pushchair refusal you might have to say to her, "DD, please get into your car seat and we will go to Granny's/the park/wherever." If she still refuses, say, "If you do not get into your car seat/pushchair then we cannot go out and we'll stay at home".

It's really hard to do, because you have to follow through once or twice before it sinks in that Mummy means business.

[cory]

Afraid it may be impossible to fast forward through this normal stage of her development, so it's more a question of how you can make your own life more or less bearable until you both come out on the other side.

You could probably make life easier for yourself by arranging life so you don't rely too much on her obedience. So instead of asking her to go in the pushchair you lift her up with a big smile and talk to her while you stick her in. Dress her while chatting to her about something exciting that you're going to do. If you want her to walk downstairs take her by the hand and walk with her. At this age, there are very few things that have to rely on the child's obedience- that can be saved for later.

She may still throw a wobbly, but frankly at her size you can ignore it and simply strap her in the pushchair or wherever you want her to go.

Try to remember that a crying tantrum isn't naughtiness- any more than you would be naughty if you were to cry during an argument with ds. She simply hasn't learned to sob gracefully into her handkerchief yet. And it doesn't mean you are losing control; in all likelihood, the tantrum is precisely because she recognises Mummy's going to get her way in the end.

When she really gets on your nerves, it may be a good idea to walk away. Go into the kitchen, make yourself a cup of tea, put on some music, sing loudly to yourself.

Make sure that your dh knows that you are going through a difficult patch. Tell him it's perfectly normal, but that you are going to need extra support in the evenings for a while- either a time when he takes dd so you can get a break, or simply 20 minutes when you can sit down a have a good old moan.

Also try to make sure you get to do something really satisfying when you are not looking after her- the occasional evening out with friends or a hobby that you can do when she's asleep. Something that makes you feel good about yourself.

Don't expect her to make you feel good about yourself- frankly, 1yo's aren't very good at that. Nor are 2 or 3yo's. The mums that cope best are the ones who have enough good things in their lives to accept this.

[RedJools]

aww, don't feel like that! Both my dds are like this- demonic for me and sweetness and light at nursery etc. Like others have said, it's because they KNOW you love them, regardless! Once after I'd given dd1 a bad row for something, and was wondering if I'd been a bit too strict, she shrugged and said, "But you still love me!" and skipped off nonchalantly!!! I can't be bothered with the hissy fits any more, I just say "ok, then, we'll go without you," (cue hissy fit!! But then they come get their jackets on or whatever!) They want to make their own choices, I think, but they need to learn there is going to be a consequence to that choice. Try letting her have choices in other areas- eg choosing 1 of 2 options to wear/ for lunch etc. And try not to let her see that she is pushing your buttons!

[minouminou]

great post cory
and you're not a crap mum llynnnnn....the fact she's doing this testing thing is testament to that.
hang on in there!

[colditz]

Just carry on regardless. She's only a baby really, 19 months is nothing at all, agewise. If she doesn't want to get in her car seat and screams and fights you - well, at the end of the day, you're bigger than her, and you're in charge. It's not a partnership - it can't be. that's not fair on the child. You are in charge. Push at the hip joint and bend her to get her into a sitting position, strap her in, and don't take it personally.

[FairyMum]

Straight-jacket?

Completely normal toddler-behaviour and probably means she loves you and trust you the most rather than doesn't like you. She knows you are the person who loves her regardless. Chin up!

[RosaIsRed]

I've decided it's a Barbara Woodhouse thing, it is all in the tone of voice you use. If you use the nice, friendly, firm, brisk, no-nonsense tone, they sense you mean business and they do what they are told. If you let your emotion show in your voice, they sense the vulnerability and they play up. The tone of voice helps set the boundaries and makes them feel safe because they know they will have to go along with what you want. Well, it works for me anyway.

[gingerninja]

I feel like this with mine to and feel like a giant failure because I can't make her happy but I feel inspired by Corys post and am LOL at Colditz so I'll try not to take it too personally. Good luck with yours llynnnn

[AbbeyA]

I agree with the other posters-far from not liking you-she loves you! She feels safe enough to be horrible and test the boundries.
Hard as it is, just stay calm and carry on, try and give her lots of attention when she is happy and ignore her when she is throwing a wobbly. I admit it is easier said than done! It sounds like the 'terrible twos' a bit early.

[llynnnn]

wow thanks for all your posts. I finally managed to get her into her pushchair and we went out for a long walk round the block! the fresh air did me good and dd only screamed for a couple of mins before she was happy as larry pointing out every single car, leaf, house etc etc!
I will keep this thread and read it when she starts to get too stessed! and hope she grows out of it soon???

i havent really mentioned how i'm feeling to dh as i dont want him to think i'm crap at looking after his daughter, but think i'll have a chat to him tonight, maybe he will help me out more when he's around

[cory]

My dd used to scream at the top of her voice and arch her back when she had to go in the pushchair. Flummoxed me at first, but then I realised that if you scream at the top of your voice there comes a moment when you have to relax your stomach muscles to take in more air. So I used to wait for that moment, then push down and strap her in before she had time to inflate again.

[LIZS]

I expect they are stricter and the boundaries clearer, possibly including with more sleep and earlier meals. At home she may not recognise whether the same rules and routine apply. She's too young to be asked or reasoned with , just take one aspect of behaviour at a time and insist upon it with clear limits and consistency. Also pick your battles , does it matter if she won't lay down as much as getting into a car seat ?

Very easy to see the whole picture as one blur of awkwardness and defiance when if you get a few things running more smoothly the rest becomes more manageable. Sounds like you currently don't benefit from going out because you worry ahead about how she behaves and it is perceived. Sometimes you have to let her learn for herself what is right and wrong in a controlled way and that is the sort of place to do so . If she gets tired, diffcult and ratty , pack up and leave without making a big deal and hopefully before she melts down.

[discoverlife]

It is also a bad thing to say 'OKAY?' at the end of a sentance to a child it confuses them terribly. You think you are giving them an order, but by putting the work 'Okay' on the end you are giving them a choice and then being mean and not letting them have their choice.

We all do it, " Right then DD, into your pushchair, were going to see Nanna... Okay?"

[nkf]

She loves you. You're her world and she's a toddler and therefore throws tantrums.

[LilRedWG]

Definitely talk to your DH - I couldn't do it without my DH totally behind me and understanding toddlerdom!

Well done on persisting with the walk - I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[BlueberryPancake]

Lots of great tips on this post, so you are not the only one! I have found that talking more to DS1 is helping us cope better. For example, I now always tell him 'in 5 minutes, we'll get ready to go out, can you get your shoes?' so that there are no 'surprises'.

Also, for food, the best way to make him eat is to either show him what I'm preparing (like an egg boiling, or openning a can of baked beans!) or I ask him to help me by pooring the cereals in hisbowl. It can get a bit messy but he eats moreif I do that. We made banana sandwiches at lunchtime, mmm...

[dylsmum1998]

lol its stressful isnt it ( but reassuring to see everyone else is going through this) depending on degree of tantrum i try several things
if at start of tantrum/ mild one if i want her to get in car seat/ pram etc i find tickling the backs of her knees gets her everytime. dont know where she gets being ticklish from
or if its a bit more advanced as someone else said earlier wait for the breath of air to go in and grab your chance then.
if possible before the tantrum arrives have something she can eat in the pushchair e.g. aplle banana, whatever she likes. but tell her you need to sit down to eat this. my dd loves fruit so this generally works no probs
but no matter how you find to deal with it- she really doesn't hate you. she knows that she doesn't want to get in pushchair, she was happy doing whatever was before you got her ready to go out and doesnt have the understanding/ ability to realise that you need to go out to do x,y,z and that she can play later. hence the screamng abdabs.
chin up this stage will pass- and another will flow in to follow it

[Nyx]

Really good advice here already, not much I can add except that my dd responded quite well to me telling her what we were going to do, counting down - in 3 minutes we're going to get your coat on to go to the park, then in 2 minutes, etc etc. and then just doing it (tantrumming or not!) Also, doing the counting to 3 thing: "I'm going to count to three then you're going to get your nappy on. 1...2...3!" - then pick her up and put her on the changing mat and do the nappy thing (or whatever). She still threw a wobbly but it seemed to be much, much shorter than the previous wobblies she threw. And as she's got older (she's 2 now), she gets a chance to do it herself before I get to three - "by the time I get to 3 I want you to be lying on the changing mat..." - it works sometimes, and other times, well, she knows the nappy is going to be done and doesn't really flip out as such.

As others have said, this stage will pass! I hope you feel better about the whole thing soon, you're a great mummy I work 3 days a week too and have the same situation as you. The days you're home seem like much harder work than the days you're at work, don't they?! But it does get better. And she loves you really!

[llynnnn]

thanks again everyone. had another hectic day today. she didn't want to walk, didn't want to go in the pushchair, didn't want me to carry her!! really don't know how on earth she wanted to get home!!!!

thanks for all he support
x