Another post on only dc in half term!

[momtoone]

Worzil's message pipped me to the post so I don't imagine I'll get many responses but here goes anyway.

DD (in reception)has just also spent the half term without playing with any children near her age. I am shy but I do manage to arrange playdates as DD nags me to death about them (older mum, have trained myself a bit how to make the first move.) The problem is:-

Firstly the mums i arrange get togethers with don't turn up/ring to arrange something, as they say they will - I've trained myself not to be too shy but I find it hard to be pushy when they haven't been in contact when they say they will. I arranged for a schoolfriend to come round today, I gave my tel no, the mum didn't offer hers, guess what she hasn't rang! DD is ok tbh even though she asked for this girl to come over, not devastated, just me feeling down. DD seems to have settled fine at school and is quite well behaved(in public!)

Secondly, DD is excruciatingly, cripplingly shy at any kind of group activity/party so any kind of holiday activity/'camps' are out. Last week DD, DH and me went with our friend and her 17 yr old daughter 'G' to a dance class for little children which 'G' assists with (she has dance training). DD adores 'G' and has always asked to go to a dance class. The class was for about age 3-4 (DD is nearly 5) but even though 'G' kept comong over to offer to hold her hand DD would just push herself more into my side and refuse. We sat there through 2 hours of classes and she didn't even move from my side. Our friend and 'G' live 20 miles away so we can't make this a regular thing anyway.

It really gets me down that all my efforts come to nothing. I have been ill lately and am waiting to see a consultant but suffer from exhaustion due to my condition, however, I would put all of my tiredmess aside and have other chidren over just to see DD happy. However, the constant disappointment is getting to me. Is it important for her to socialise at this age after school/in holidays? Should I just leave it till she's a bit older. Or should I battle on (that's what it feels like tbh)

Must stop now before this gets too long. Am taking her to Nanny's now so if anyone replies will be back later.

[missingtheaction]

oh dear - hugs to you on this one. almost impossible if dd wants to play but is too shy to make friend with the other girls: she can't have it both ways. breaks your heart though.

Maybe phone mums, find out if there is somewhere other girls go regularly (adventure play place, swimming, whatever) and go at the same time - not quite like a playdate but gives dd opportunity to see and play with the others?

[cory]

Oh momtoone, that post took me back 40 years in time! I was that child that couldn't do dancing classes because I clung to my mother's skirts. I cried when taken to meet strange children.

And I had no idea at the time that I was modelling my own Mum, that underneath she was actually terrified of meeting strangers. I thought she was the most wonderfully brave and self-possessed person and that her loneliness was entirely due to us having to live in a small provincial town. I thought if we could only get to the big outside world, her shyness and loneliness would be magically whisked away. I didn't realise that she was lonely because she was shy.

Strangely enough, my own daughter is one of the most sociable people I have ever met. She has danced in several stage performances despite having a condition that means she may suddenly collapse on stage, or even wet herself. She is simply not in the least afraid of people. Seems so unfair...

Yet I think I have helped her. I started practising to speak to more people. First at Uni, because I felt I was missing out on so much. Then I persevered with the toddler groups. I volunteered at the school fetes. Every time it's got easier and easier, until I now think of myself as a confident friendly person. Only takes a few successes (and a very firm resolve not to get hung up on the inevitable failures).

My Mum wasn't able to do that. But she did do something else that I feel was also good: she showed me that you can have fun by just accepting the person you are. If you don't get the playdates, maybe you can have fun with an adult? Or on your own? There is nothing more miserable than not having fun because you think there is only one way.

I had lots of fun as a child. Later on in life I also learnt to have fun with people. But the main thing is, I had fun.

[scattyspice]

I'm sure it will get easier as she makes firm friendships. My DS is also in reception and doesn't like groups much especially if he doesn't know many people.
Sounds like you've made every effort and have unfortunately met some very rude mums.

Sometimes its difficult to meet up with others if other mums work and their kids are in childcare in the holidays (most of DS friends are).

We're spending most of 1/2 term at Nanna's which is what DS wants to do anyway.

[momtoone]

Cory, glad to hear of your succes with your DD. I don't believe DD's shyness is caused by mine, we have a fair few friends and I have overcome the effects of my shyness to a certain extent (I once was a teacher and now work with the public)though I think I remain a private person. If anything I have tended to push her in social situations too much, now I have learned to back off as it makes no difference. She is absolutely fine when she knows a group and at home she is always joking about, singing and chattering. We have a lot of fun, she's a real teaser.

However, as for loneliness I wasn't lonely until I had a child! I see less of my friends and their children are older, I do less of what I like and my attempts to 'crack' the mums at the school gates have been limited - everyone seems to have sorted themselves into groups there, DD wasn't in the preschool (in a nursery, I work p/t), I don't think they are bad people, well not most of them, but they just don't need/notice me as they have each other.
Anyway, my mum told me I am crazy for being sad, she thinks DD is really happy. Maybe I should concentrate on making myself happier then!

thanks to missingtheaction andscattyspice for your suggestions/thoughts

[worzil]

Hi
momtoone

Worzil here I would say to keep persevering with other moms and their children.

I realise that this sort of advice coming off someone like me who would rather shy away from trying to arrange playdates etc doesn't seem right.

Its good that you yourself have a number of friends which is more than what I can say for myself.

Despite the way I am my ds is quite sociable and popular at school, but he doesn't seem so keen on groups such as beavers, which he quit.

I have managed to arrange playdates for my ds but have shyed away from arranging them during school holidays.

I would love be able to start doing this.