Help with a 9yr old dd and her ex-best friend....please?!

[whispywhisp]

Right then, where do I start?

I have a dd who is almost 9yrs old. She is a friendly child who loves her friends and values the friendships she has gained over the years.

However she has always been friends with another girl since Reception year but this year they have done nothing but fall out. Last year - Year 3 - they were split because I felt my dd was living in this other girl's shadow too much - the other girl is an extremely confident child - larger than life both in the physical sense but also in the verbal side of things.

During Year 3 my dd blossomed at school - she went and made new friends and imo came out of her shell.

Now we're in Year 4 and the other girl and my dd are back in the same class and it is not going at all well. The other girl constantly talks over dd - they come out of class and the other girl will talk for dd and tell me what dd has done during the day and it got so bad last week I told the other girl to be quiet so I could hear dd. She is such a bossy child and yet she will sob like a baby when she wants to.

DD is now saying she doesn't want to be friends with this other girl, which is absolutely fine with me, BUT I am really good friends with her Mum and I'm finding it really difficult to talk to her about it.

My dd has her birthday coming up and she is now telling me she doesn't want this other girl to come - which is understandable - plus not to bother with an Xmas present for her - which we've done every year since Year R.

I know 'kids are kids' and 'girls can be fickle' but I'm fed up with this other girl too and I hate seeing dd so upset some evenings after school and so despondent and physically worn out having to stand up for herself.

I'm waffling now...sorry - but its really playing on my mind.

Any hints/ideas anyone?

[Dropdeadfred]

Is it possible to have them split again...or perhaps have a chat with the other girl's mum? Tell her she's lucky to have such a gregarious, outgoing, confident child but it would help your child develop more if her child 'lowered the volume' a little?

[whispywhisp]

No, it isn't possible to have them split - once in a class that's it until the end of that year - ie July 08. I've not spoken to her Mum yet because I really don't know what to say without upsetting her. She knows her daughter is loud but doesn't see it is a problem.

DD1 was telling me this morning that this girl is constantly shouting at her and telling her what to do. I've told DD to either ignore her and walk away or simply ask her to be quiet (shut up!).

I can speak to dd's teacher and ask that if they do activities within the class or outside in groups that they are not put in the same group - fortunately he's a very approachable teacher and will listen if I am worried.

The other girl is a real group leader and dd isn't going to be one of 'her gang' and the other girl doesn't like it, hence why she behaves like this towards dd.

[Dropdeadfred]

I feel your pain...my dd1 was in a similar situation. I think I would do as you said and have a word with the teacher.
If your dd and the other girl have been friends for ages you must know her mum?
I would appeal to her pride and say you would love for your daughter to be more outgoing and could she perhaps mention to her dd that your dd needs to speak up for herself and come out of her shell (as she does when this girl isn't there) so could she give her a bit of space/chance to speak for herself...?

I know what I'd like to say but can't seem to word it better..sorry

[CarGirl]

When there are issues within classes they can move children, it may not be common practice but there is no harm in asking.

[whispywhisp]

Yes I do know the girl's Mum - very well in fact although I wouldn't class her as a 'best mate' iykwim.

We often walk to school together as our youngest dd's are at the same playgroup too.

She knows her dd is loud but she doesn't see it as an issue. I'm not saying my dd is perfect but this other girl's manners are dreadful - she butts in when me and her Mum are talking and whereas I'd tell my dd to either say 'excuse me' or wait until I've finished talking - this girl's Mum just lets her butt in and say what she has to. She doesn't know how to use please and thank you and as for her table manners...well I just won't go there. She is rude to her Mum too which I find very disappointing but again I don't say anything.

I'm glad my dd has chosen to go her own way and make other friends but she still seems to have run-ins with this other girl. Christmas is a bit of an issue for us - I've bought this other girl a present and I know her Mum has bought one for my dd - what do I do? Common sense tells me that if the girls aren't getting on I shouldn't bother. I know this other girl hasn't bothered with an Xmas card for my dd so perhaps that is a bit of a stepping stone?

I will perhaps talk to her teacher and ask that the girls are kept in separate groups although I am fortunate on that score - my dd is in higher groups in all her subjects so they don't share lessons but its outside in the playground that the problem occurs.