How do I deal with my son?

[MrsSnape]

I'm totally sick of my son. He's almost 7 and I swear he makes it his mission to wind me up. I know I sound harsh but its every minute of every day with him and sick of it.

EVERY morning we're late for school because he just will not get ready. He goes to bed early, I get him up at 7:30, he dawdles with his breakfast purposely spilling half of it on the floor then I tell him to get ready...he sits there gawping at the TV so I turn it off and tell him again to get ready. He then stands up and starts dancing, I raise my voice and tell him to get ready so he starts darting around the living room making stupid noises. When he does eventually manage to get an item of clothing in his hand he starts chucking it around being stupid. When he's finally ready to get his shoes on he decides he doesn't like the way the straps are so takes them all out which takes us ages to fix and it goes on and on.

Its not that he doesnt like school because he does it with EVERYTHING. Karate for instance, I sent him upstairs earlier to get his suit on, 10 minutes later I'm assuming he's getting changed...get my shoes on...ds1 is ready, I shout upstairs to ask DS2 if he's ready and he emerges with his school uniform still on and says "you what?" it makes me so cross.

He's just made a right idiot of me AT karate, the little ones leave early so he goes to get changed at 7pm, the older ones are still training. 7.10 ds1 is ready and waiting to leave...DS2 is still messing around. I ask him nicely to get ready so we can leave, he gives me a cocky grin and sits down and takes the straps out of his shoes again. I tell him (raised voice) that if he didn't hurry up I'd take him outside with no clothes on, he doesnt react at all, sits there on the floor dawdling, purposely winding me up until finally (another 10 minutes later) I snap, really shout at him, everyone still training goes quiet obviously wondering what is going on and in my fury I grab DS2 by the coat and pull him around aggressively which was probably all caught on the schools CCTV cameras so I'll more than likely get a visit from social services some time soon.

Sometimes I honestly feel like I could fly for him, he winds me up on purpose ALL THE TIME. Then I snap and I look like a nutter.

[ConnorTraceptive]

Does he enjoy karate? If so then I would let him mess around and miss his lesson and then tell him if he does it again he won't be going at all.

I'd probably drag him to school hungry and in his pj's too but then I'm a pregnant bag of seething hormones and rage at the mo so

[MrsSnape]

its not just that, its everything.

For instance he gets home from school and says "can I have a drink?". The kitchen is full of hot pans and I'm very busy so I say "in a minute" and it goes...

Him - "yes?"
me - "in a minute"
Him - "can I get one now?"
me - "IN A MINUTE"
him - "I'll just get one now then..."
me - "I've said in a minute now go and sit down!"
him - "Can I have a drink then?"
me - "NO!"
him - "can I just get one?"

One the way to school he delibrately goes to jump in a huge muddy puddle so I say nicely "don't jump in the puddles will you?" and what does he do? straight in the puddles...absolutely soaked for school.

he's just such hard work but he's cocky and arrogent with it which makes it all the more annoying.

[QuintessentialShadowOfYuleTide]

So, you make him wait?

Seems the two of you are playing the same game?

[soapbox]

It seems to me that you have both become locked into a behaviour pattern that isn;t helping either of you.

I would start giving clear instructions, with ONE clear warning. So get dressed now, if you do not get dressed now then there will be no XXXX (fav thing in the world). No nagging, no histrionics from you - just quiet determination. Don't let it get to you. He gets one chance and that is it!

As for the drink thing in the kitchen - he is 7YO not a baby - he can get his own drink! My DS is the same age and can cook a simple meal!

[soapbox]

Oh and when he does do something you have asked him, in a reasonable time frame, then he gets lots of attention and praise for doing so

[MrsSnape]

see I would let him get his own drink but he cannot be trusted. He will delibrately empty the carton into the cup or spill it everywhere. He wastes so much drink this way I feel like I'm forever buying juice and then DS1 whinges that DS2 always drinks (or spills) all the juice.
I did tell him he could get himself a drink of water however but he declined.

[Tortington]

char chart
rewart for positive sanctions
and no reward as a negative sanction

at the end of the week agree a suitable treat.

in aminute is a bit shit - you could say " after you get changed you can have a drink"

put the onus on him

then DO IT if he does.

no telly in the AM until he is dressed

might be better to sack the cereal and get him dressed and give him toast to eat after he is fdressed and whilst he is being rewarded by watchng the tv.

crumbs from toast can be rushed off

[oregonianabroad]

There are 2 books which reeeeally helped me:

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen

and

Unconditional Parenting

HTH

[MrsSnape]

I suppose I just need to find ways of dealing with his "challenging" personality but when he makes me flare up and look stupid in front of people I start to resent him.

He's one of these kids that needs very, very structured routines. Like his teacher said the other day (who is almost as fed up of him as I am) if ever you change the routine he goes loopy.

The other day something they normally do on that day was cancelled (PE i think) and instead they practiced their play and that was it, he was uncontrollable for the rest of the day just because of that little change.

I have a behavioural 'expert' coming around tomorow which I'm dreading, I'm expecting him to draw up a list of all the stuff I do wrong and then DS to say something like "mum throws me across the room when she gets cross" (I don't but this is the kind of thing he says for a laugh...like the time he told my mum that I don't let him have any tea).

[oregonianabroad]

I feel for you. My ds1 is nearly 3, so I put a lot of his behaviour down to his age, but I can totally relate to the frusteration and anger you feel. I wonder if he too is reacting to these emotions? I am starting to recognise this in my son. For instance, the other day, he was pushing ALL (and I mean every single one) of my buttons at once, and I thought to myself in utter desperation, 'what do I do here??!!??' And I just looked at him and said, 'I love you.' Sounds cheesy, unrealistic, etc... and I don't know your situation at all, but try it. I have come to realise my ds1 is often acting the way he sees himself in my eyes, rather than the way I would like, iyswim.

hth

[Hummingbirdy]

I think hes craving some positive attention from you, he knows you will react the way you do I think he enjoys winding you up to get attention.

[Othersideofthechannel]

Mrs Snape, do you really think he tells your mums those things for a laugh? Could it just be his childish point of view.

DS once told another parent outside school 'mummy threw me across the room this morning' because in the mad panic of getting coats and shoes on and out the door he was whirling around and we bumped into each other and he got pushed about 1m.

'so he starts darting around the living room making stupid noises. When he does eventually manage to get an item of clothing in his hand he starts chucking it around being stupid.'

This sounds like DS most mornings. I leave 30 minutes in the schedule for him to get dressed and brush teeth. I can't bear watching him do it, it is so painful and irritating, but now he can do it on his own (he's nearly 5) I just leave him to it in the bathroom so it doesn't wind me up. DD gets ready quickly and we do puzzles and stories together while we are waiting. One day he will work out that it is in his interest to get ready quickly.

[Kammy]

I think you have had lots of good advice here, don't want to repeat too much, but I have found the following helpful for ds (6).

Dressed for school first thing before being allowed downstairs.

I give pocket money each week but only if certain things have been done...a few chores in the house, getting dressed and undressed when asked.

10 minute and 5 minute warnings before school -no TV till after breakfast, TV turned off at 8.30.

HTH

[coldtits]

You need a strict, unbendable routine in the mornings.

Get up, get dressed (leave him in his room to do that, don't watch him or you'll go nuts) washed and teeth brushed, downstairs for breakfast (toast) tv on until time to go. And if he isn't ready, go anyway. If he doesn't have his shoes on, he will need to put them on quick or get left behind. Ignore the silliness utterly - leave the room and shut the door behind you. refuse to acknowledge it ... since I started doing that with ds1 (who is only 4.8) he has started to behave a little more sensibly .

[oregonianabroad]

Mrs Snape, how are things going for you?