Does anyone else find the responsibility of a baby suffocating at times?

[Pinkjenny]

I love my 6mo dd with all my heart, just looking at her makes me want to burst. She truly is the light of my life and I can't imagine being without her.

We've had a bit of a time of it since she was born, nothing life threatening, but we've had two dislocated hips at birth, a hernia, a sticky eye, two rashes and a cold. I know this is nothing compared to what some people deal with, but it seems like each time something happens, I feel less and less confident about my ability.

I have found motherhood to be a completely different experience to what I was expecting, not worse, just different, and nothing could have prepared me for the instinct that I have to keep her safe and out of harms way. Its this that terrifies me most of the time.

Will I ever start to feel more comfortable about it? She's also a feisty little thing, which means that she is difficult to keep stimulated and entertained, as I'm sure most 6mo babies are. My friends babies seem so much more placid than she is, and I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, its just that I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking I'm a rubbish mum. By the end of the day I'm wiped out, and have had enough.

Can anyone offer me some perspective? Or maybe a slap round the face for being so ungrateful and pathetic?

[Gursky]

Life with a small child can be suffocating - especially when they are so young and dependent on you.

I don't think the complete concern for their welfare goes away any time soon - my DS is 2yrs and I still feel that way - but the hothouse environment does ease off a bit as they get more independent.

You sound like you need a break - any chance you could wangle an evening out? Time to get some perspective?

[Kammy]

Hugs pinkjenny - you are certainly not pathetic. I think many mums (me included) are shcoked at the feelings a baby arouses and I well remember the terror of thinking that it was my sole responsibility to keep ds alive. It's a mother's instinct, and what actually does keep babies safe, and yes, I'm sure you will feel more relaxed in time. I'm sure no-one is thinking you are a rubbish mum and if they do, then they deserve a slap...

[Pinkjenny]

My parents are amazing with her and always happy to babysit.

However, my mum was 19 when she had me, 11 years younger than I am, and she coped amazingly well when I was born. I feel like she must be thinking, 'oh get a grip, don't you see how lucky you are to have such a beautiful daughter'. I feel like everyone is judging me, and thinking that I am palming her off if I ask to go out.

[wrinklytum]

I think having a baby is the biggest lifechange ever.You cannot prepare for it!!!FWIW most days I feel I am making it up as I go along (2 dcs,almost 4 and almost 2) and doing a particularly crap job!!!You sound like a lovely mum,and ,yes its very tiring

[Reallytired]

I think that what you are feeling is very common. Looking after a baby is hard and it does get better. My five year old son so much easier to look after than a baby.

What is your mood like. Are you enjoying motherhood? Do you have more good days than bad days? Prehaps it worth having a chat with your health visitor to see if they have suggestions that might make life easier.

I am sure that you aren't a rubbish mum.

[Pinkjenny]

Thanks all. I think one of the problems is dh. I'm very aware that when it comes to dd, the buck absolutely stops with me. He is constantly saying things like, 'is she ok?', 'what's wrong with her?', 'why do you think she is crying?' etc etc. She was really ill on Friday night, and he was just crap, trying to make light of the fact that she was vomiting violently and saying 'why is she being sick?'.

I want him to be a man and envelop us both, make us feel secure and protected by him. Too much to ask? Especially from a man who still sucks his thumb...

[Gursky]

You can't know how your mum felt when you were born. I certainly felt a huge burden of responsibility and judged myself when things didn't go as I had hoped or expected.

Women - and mothers - seem to be our own worst critics. Your baby is healthy and sounds really engaged and interested in the world - how can you be doing a bad job?

You are caring for the baby 24/7 - a night at the cinema/pub can't be viewed as negligence!

Think about all the great things your baby does - and take credit for them!

[Pinkjenny]

My mood is OK - some days I am positively glowing in the light of motherhood, other days I just want to press pause.

Oh, I just feel so guilty all the time. She's just amazing and I feel awful even expressing these things.

[wrinklytum]

Psychobable, the book is "What Mothers Do" by Naomi Stadlen.It is a very reassuring read.If you want a hearty chuckle,Pink,I would recommend Anne Enrights "Making Babies-Stumbling into Motherhood",which kept me laughing in those early days.

[Pinkjenny]

I have 'What Mothers Do', I started reading it soon after her birth. I'll revisit it now. Funnily enough, I've just ordered Making Babies on Amazon!!

[wrinklytum]

Hope you enjoy it.I first heard it when it was book of the week on R4.It still makes me laugh now.Sometimes looking after a baby can be very repetitive.Don't feel guilty.I would disbelieve anyone who says they never have a bad day!You are human,we all have bad days xxxxxIt is the hardest role in the world and I do think (maybe unfair sexist comment) most blokes just don't get it.DP has never looked after the dcs for a whole day-he takes them to MIL's!!!

[Pinkjenny]

Thanks for your kind words. x

[juliewoolie]

Hi PJ,

you are absoloutly not a crap mum. I think we all feel like we are not doing a good enough job of this motherhood thing. I know I definitely feel the same as you sometimes. Especially where DP is concerned it is one of my main bug bears that he asks me all the time what to do - get some feckin initiative and figure it out yourself. I think that sometimes they need to be left on their own with the cherubs sometimes to realise what it is like. I would say I have defo seen a change in my DP since he has been off with his dodgy back he even admitted its a lot tougher and he didnt realise how much of the day caring for A took up. Maybe you need to leave lexie with your DH for an afternoon and eve and let him get on with things.
If you want to moan or have a natter mail me or MSN me [email protected]

Keep your chin up chick Lexie is a credit to you she is beautiful and you care for her with grace and courage especially when she has been poorly, most of us would have not coped half as well as you.

xx

[soames]

Nowhere does it say you have to enjoy it all... It's cool to admit that you find the whole thing dead hard... because those little people that we would give our lives for are all too happy to whip the life right out of us!!

It does get easier...my dd is nearly 3 now and is a breeze compared with her first few months.I didn't really enjoy the first 8 months ,felt really isolated and anxious a lot of the time, a bit like constantly getting munched by a huge shark...

You sound like a great mum... your dd is lucky... and whoever it was who said the guys don't really get it... bloody damn right. My dh would be the first to admit that.

How on earth do you get the smiley things to work?

[getoffmystage]

Sorry to hear that you've had a bit of a hard time since your dd was born, i'm sure you're doing really well, and it sounds as though you are a really besotted mum. I just wanted to say - my dd is also very feisty, she likes lots of stimulation, gets bored very easily and knows her own mind very well indeed . There have been points that i've felt exhausted trying to keep up with her, and wondered why she seems to be less 'placid' than some other babies. But i've started to realise that it really is a temperament thing. My own mother tells me i was exactly the same when i was a little one! Some babies/people just are more high-maintenance/energetic than others, it's not a bad thing imho. Don't feel guilty about things, it sounds as though you are giving motherhood your all, and that's all you can do!

[BeautifulBoysGalore]

i adore mine.

i have loads of help. i couldn ask for more, seriously, iam spoilt rotten.

but yes, there are times when its frustrating and suffocating and i feel like a rubbish mum and just want to run away.

we feel like that now and then because we are human.

be kind to yourself.

[Pinkjenny]

I've just got up with dd as dh woke her up when getting dressed.

Your words have helped me stay sane this morning, especially as he woke her up coming to bed last night as well!

[anneme]

Just seen this Pink - thought I would add (a bit late in the day) - I think the drip drip drip effect of illness can be really wearing - it is always a relief that they are not really ill but at the same time it is exhausting nonetheless.
I love being with S but I am beginning to feel that I can't do it all - I think that is linked with the fact that I have responsibility at work (although am not working at the moment) and can get things done - with a baby it is difficult to get anything done and you can feel as if you are not achieving anything (and forget that you are achieving looking after LO). I found that DS1, who is now 4, became a lot easier once he was able to wander off and play in his room and do his own thing because I was not always on call.

My DH is lovely etc but sometimes I want him to take control - not so much in a (I'm the man" way but just the responsibility can be wearing. I don't want to be the one with the answers all the time!

[Pinkjenny]

Thanks anneme - I had a bit of a cry to my nan today. I couldn't believe how understanding she was, and she is so much more realistic than my mum is!

It really helped. As do all of you.