We can/we can't/we can/we can't DH keeps changing his mind about fertility treatment and it's driving me nuts!

[MrsTittleMouse]

We have one lovely DD from fertility treatment, and we had made up our minds that we would try to have another. In fact, when we calculated my cycles, we were a bit disappointed that we probably won't be able to start until January. It was a difficult decision, because I didn't have a great pregnancy and then I had an awful labour and delivery. I've seen specialists about my large painful epi scar, who could do very little, but now I've stopped BFing things are getting a bit better (but still very uncomfortable). However, in fertility doctor terms, I'm getting on a bit (), so it's a good idea not to leave it too long.
However, DH is now saying that we probably shouldn't have treatment, as we're trying to find a house and it's really stressful (current place isn't big enough once hypothetical DC2 is 6 months and goes in with DD1 - although I realise that that's looking in the future a bit!). And every time I get a twinge from the scar, he gets really nervous that we'll have to go through the whole birth thing again, and also the whole not-able-to-have-sex-and-hysterically-upset-about-it-thing.
Sorry, I've ranted on a bit, but it's getting me down to do the we will/we won't thing. We might not be able to have another, but I'd really like to try.

[Acinonyx]

We also have one dd from treatment (IVF) and I had a difficult birth. The drs told me they would recomend a C-section next time and watching the women on the ward after elective sections it definitely was a better option! Perhaps that is one option that could deal with part of your anxiety.

We also had the whole house vs dc2 dilemma, especially as money for treatment comes off our equity. Although we knew the chances were next to zero at my age, unfortunately (I guarentee I am older than you) we decided that we had to try so that we would not reproach ourselves in the future. It didn't succeed so there goes another x thousand quid off the equity for nothing but hey, ho - we had to give it a go. If we really thought we had a reasonable chance we'd have tried again though.

Our expectations of housing are so high these days. We feel we are bursting at the seams in this 3-bed one WC place (with one dd and one home office so all rooms stuffed) but the people before us raised 5 kids here with no complaints. You can make it work if you really want to. We live in a cheaper house in a cheaper area due to IVF treatments and also my going back to postgrad. Dh does drool over our friends' houses - and so do I - but it's just about priorities.

Work the sibling angle and look at the housing websites and see if there is any acceptable compromise on the market. Jill

[MrsTittleMouse]

TBH DH does have a point about raising a family in our current place, as it's a two up two down, where the back bedroom has been divided in two to make a bathroom. But the house is so small that the bathroom has no bath (not big enough) and the back bedroom is full with DD's cot and a chest of drawers (no room for a second cot). And we're renting, so we don't have an equity, just a deposit.

I think I could cope with it all, if there wasn't the uncertainty. DH and I look at DD and are gung ho for another. Then if anything in our lives is difficult, DH tells me that he can't go through it all again. Actually, thinking about it, that's a lie. I just want to try for another, it's not just the uncertainty, I would be really sad if we couldn't have another go.

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[Acinonyx]

That's exactly the kind of place we rented before we bought this place so I know what you mean. We couldn't fit a wardrobe in our bedroom. I used to say that we didn't live in that house - we wore it. Lovely little place - but TINY. Is there any chance of being able to rent something a bit bigger?

How old are you and your dc (if I may ask!).

Not sure what you mean by uncertainty? Jill

[MrsTittleMouse]

The uncertainty of whether DH will give the nod for treatment when push comes to shove. His mood changes on an almost daily basis. Mind you, when/if I start treatment it will be the uncertainty of whether it's going to work. There are a lot of limiting factors, and I've blanked out in my head the bit during treatment when I got yet another BFN and had to phone up his secretary to tell him.
I'm a bit shy about giving my age, but I can tell you that when I phoned the fertility specialist about him taking me on as a patient again we discussed my age, and he said some polite things that I can paraphrase as "You're how old?!?!? Come to the clinic right now! In fact, come yesterday!".

[MrsTittleMouse]

PS love the "wore it" quote.
I don't mind the old place, it doesn't bother me at all, but DH feels a bit cramped and DD has her baths in the babybath still.

[Acinonyx]

Well I'm still older than that! The BFNs (or worse - losses) are hard and we each have to decide how much we can endure. It's also hard for a couple to be always on the same page. With us, it's been me who has stalled in the past because I hit my endurance limit.

I would want to try again if I were you so I hope come January your dh is feeling less stressed about it. JIll

[MrsTittleMouse]

Hi Jill. I'm sorry that your IVF didn't work this time. I'm actually very impressed that you managed to stay sane enough to have an endurance limit. I don't know if naturally I would have one. We had 8 rounds of treatment (not IVF) for DD and we have a limit of 4 rounds this time (emposed by biological factors, not money). I do have a feeling that I might not be ready to stop at that point, but I'll just have to get used to it. I think that the difference between 1 and 2 children is hard, but nothing like the difference between 0 and 1, so I'm hoping that it'll be upsetting, but OK, if it doesn't work.
We are thinking about letting close family member know that we're seriously thinking about treatment. That will make the plans more solid in my mind. You're right though, DH does have until January to get his mind around the whole idea.

[hifi]

mrstm, we set a limit to how many treatments, 3, im glad we did as we could still be going, agree its dealing with a loss every time if not successful, had a mtg with psychiatrist re counselling funding and he said in trials the women who waited a year after any loss of a child coped better as parents, know you are on a time limit but it might be worth a thaught.

[Acinonyx]

Well I saw plenty of women who wanted to get straight back on the horse and try again but I never felt like that. Our limit in the end has been age - but if it hadn't been age it would soon have become money.

I always swore I would never whine about wanting another child if I could just have one (we waited 8 yrs for dd) but there was a while - from about Xmas to a couple of months ago that I really got uptight about ttc dc2. I think it has been easier since knowing we just can't - but my main concern is not having a sibling for dd, especially as we are so ancient with non family in this country. Also, you can't avoid the whole new baby phenomenum when you are hanging out with moms and toddlers. Jill