8 year old saying mean things to me all the time

[killerinme]

Just lately my 8 year old DS seems to have a very negative view of his life and I'm finding it quite upsetting.

I'm a single parent and he see's his dad every fortnight however he does NOTHING with him at all so I try to compensate for that...when his dad had been promising him the cinema for 4 weeks in a row I ended up taking him instead, when his dad said he couldn't take him to a festival, I took him instead etc...Apart from that I always try to make sure we do lots of fun stuff, he doesn't get any less than any other kid.

Anyway I thought in order to improve our lives I would look for work, this involved me working part time (just 3 days) during the 1 week school holiday a couple of months ago, so a few days ago my DS said to me "btw, I think you was the only mum at school that didn't spend any time with her kids during that holiday" .

Last saturday we were going around toys r us and he said to me "we never get any treats or anything when we're with you", this upset me because I'm the only one that DOES buy him treats.

And a few minutes ago something was on TV which said it was important for kids to have happy memories of family life from a young age and he turned to me and said "I have no happy memories at all", when he saw that his comment upset me he apologised but I'm getting sick of it, I do my best and he just keeps throwing it back at me.

Is it his age?

[BBBee]

he knows which buttons to press and he is bloody well pressing them!

You are doing loads - you know that and so does he - next time don't look upset just laugh.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

I'd say so.

Try not to let it get to you.

Perhaps try and see why he seems to remember only the negative stuff though?

[MadEyemarthamooDy]

I reckon he's just seeing how far he can push you - probably (amateur psychology stuff here) because his dad frequently doesn't come up with the goods (cinema trips , festivals etc.) he's making sure that you won't let him down too. He's testing you - maybe because the way his dad is makes him feel a bit insecure and he wants to be absolutely certain he can be sure of you.

Don't rise to it - you sound like you're doing a bloody good job so just keep doing it. But do say to him (when you are both calm) - "you know, it really upsets me when you say/do things like that." Keep talking, keep doing the things you are doing - he's just pushing his boundaries a bit (like toddlers do ) and like toddlers you just have to stand firm and be consistent.

[saadia]

I think Madeyemartha is right and also there may be an element of him being upset at his dad letting him down so he is taking it out on you because he is more secure of his relationship with you.

I think it is a good sign though that he realised he had upset you and apologised. My dss are 5 and 3 so I don't know how much an 8yr old can be expected to understand but I would just keep emphasising how much you love him but at the same time let him know that you need to work to support your family and you are doing this for everyone's benefit.

Also, when he says things like he has no happy memories, remind him of the fun stuff you have done and tell him how much fun you have with him.

[bosscat]

defo agree with marthamoo, sounds like he is pushing his boundaries and feels insecure with dad so is pushing mum as far as he can to ensure you are safe and stick around. lots of love and affection and i don't think it hurts to let them know how hard you are trying/working etc. ds1 has loads of friends whose mums don't work and I do. I asked him once if he minded (5) and he said he was proud of me ! I tell him I am working so we can have nice holidays etc and they don't grow on trees. they learn to appreciate the value of money and also you. you sound like you are doing an EXCELLENT job and I am so sure it will all come right in the end. hang in there x

[paros]

Ive got an 8yr old DS so I totally see where you are coming from . Does sound like he is testing you . Also they do like to play the guilt trip on you so you come up with the goods (treats ) My Ds is a past master at this . I also belive that you have to be totally clear with him on the work front ie he said you were the only mum to work in the holidays so if he says this to you and makes you feel guilty in his mind this might make you not go to work . I have this as I work full time . 8.15 to 7.15 pm but I am a nanny so I take my DS with me . As soon as I told him I have to work and I dont have a choice end of story he felt he had no control over the situation so he stopped moaning about it . best of luck I know its hard for you . You can always ask him to draw a picture of him and you . Look at the faces he draws and see if the smile is happy or sad this is usually an indication of how they are feeling at this moment in time .

[Leati]

Killerinme

Kids can say the most hurtful things, they really can crush you with a few words. The truth is if you didn't love him so much it wouldn't matter but because you do love him so much it hurts.

Somewhere between 7-9yrs kids do start gaining social awareness and this often includes some unkind behaviors. However, i think your son is acting out a little bit more than the "norm."

Chances are he is dealing with issues of his own. He is at the age where his peers become more judging and less kind, he is adjusting to his mum going to work, and he has a dad who makes promises he doesn't keep. That is a lot for an eight year old. Give him some time to adjust and encourage him to communicate his feelings to you. Assure him that he has a right to his feelings, even if you can't make it better for him.

Before you know it, he will adjust to you working and hopefully learn how to deal with his disappointment with dad better.


I really hope things start getting easier.