Playground politics especially concerning twins. Bullying?

[SlightlyMadSlug]

Right to cut a very long story short.

DTDs were previously friendly with a girl - lets call her 'Maureen'.
Maureen has decided that DTD2 can't be their (Maureen's or DTD1's) friend. DTD2 would like to be her friend - but isn't bothered if she isn't IYSWIM.
Maureen tries to control both DTDs. She won't let DTD1 decide on the games to play - but they remain friends. Maureen either decides DTD2 must play with them, following her around the playground if she doesn't obey or decides DTD2 can't play with her (depending on mood). DTD2 is quite upset by this.
There is lots of "DTD2 is never going to be my friend/come to my party...." talk and whispering with DTD1 - which is upsetting DTD2.
There is lots of DTD1 is better than DTD2 because blah blah blah......
Maureen and DTD1 have even fabricated a story whereby DTD2 apparently bit Maureen.

I don't want to force children to be friends or not be friends - but I am just not sure what to do.
Maureen is one of the friends that they go on playdates to. I don't know how to get DTD2 to understand she shouldn't go because they are not friends IYSWIM. She loves the excitement 'going to someone elses house'.

DTD2 is basically being bullied on various levels. I don't want to confront mother as I know she has a lot on her plate at the moment (inc. single mother, depression, recent bereavement) - she is aware that there are general problems with her maureens behaviour in and out of school. I would love if neither DTDs were her friend (I don't particularly like her) - but I don't want to dictate their friends.

Any experiences? HInts? Tips?

[SlightlyMadSlug]

DTDs are 6 BTW.

[SlightlyMadSlug]

Any daytimes provide any inspiration???

I don't want this to turn into bullying between DTDs...

[maycontainstress]

Are you ever there during playdates SMS?

I wonder if 'Maureen's' mother would object to you gently saying something like

"Oh that's not very kind, both DTD enjoy playing with you, everyone can have fun together"

Sorry not much help but also have DTS same age and sometimes get this with their friends. Obv not much you can do at school but when you're there, maybe Maureen will listen?

Good luck X

[SlightlyMadSlug]

I just feel that I don't have the 'right' to discipline Maureen. Her mother knows that she is more friendly with DTD1 - and seems to be a bit upset by this, almost as though she is now putting pressure on Maureen to be friends with DTD2 - which certainly isn't happening at school, if anything I wonder whether it is resentment of this which is possibly making the problem worse.

Maureens mother knows I do not particularly like her or her children - although I do make an effort to be civil & friendly IYSWIM. TBH my ideal solution would be to tell both DTDs they should find other friends if was up to me (she isn't that nice to DTD1 either) - but it is not and I am not going to put that level of control over their chosen friendships.

Maureen is not very popular at school - she is very dominant and bossy and often gets left out of party lists etc. This is upsetting her - her mother knows there is an issue etc. and I know that they are trying to take steps to deal with her temperatment and downright attitude problem.

I guess I just don't want DTD2 to be bullied. I do not have an issue with DTDs having different friendship groups - thats got to happen sooner or later - but I do feel this is going beyond not being friends - I am increasingly feeling it is bullying.

I asked DTDs if they would like Maureen to come an play tomorrow night. DTD1 imediately said yes. DTD2 imediately said no and started crying. I have suggested that DTD2 stays downstairs but she doesn't want Maureen to play with her toys (which will naturally happen as there is 2 of everything - 1 for DTD1 and 1 for Maureen to play with). I don't feel I can invite her to play with DTD1 when DTD2 feels so unhappy about it IYSWIM.

[bozza]

This is really tricky. I feel for you, because you are basically split between your two daughters. Have you had cause to discuss it with their teacher?

[SlightlyMadSlug]

I ahven't discussed it with teacher. I feel that I am close enough (socially) to talk directly to her mother BUT feel that is difficult as I know her mother has serious issues elluded to below. I am thinking that I might have to though . I also feel that (to a certain extent) I will have to accuse my own child (DTD1) of being part of the bullying . Maureen is inflicting so much control over DTD1 though, and although DTD1 is not innocent she is being heavily influenced.

Also I don't know what examples are recent and what are old. For example whenever DTD2 gets upset about this she quotes a specific example from when they had hot school meals - which they havn't had since before easter. I know that the general situation in current - but I don't know about the specific examples IYSWIM.

[SlightlyMadSlug]

Might have to talk to teacher that is

[adath]

I really feel for you this is such a hard one.
I think with regard to bullying and the feeling of accussing DTD1 of bullying. I think you should handle this in the same way you would if you found out she was bullying another classmate. She is only 6 and is obviously being heavily influenced but I do feel sheneeds to be aware that it is not acceptable behaviour to anybody never mind her sister. My concern would be that this behaviour then spills over onto other classmates and then it does become a school matter rather than something you can deal with yourself. Other parents may not be so understanding of the influence this girl has over your DTD1.
AS much as you dislike this mother she doesappear to be wanting to do the right thing by not wanting her dd to separate your DTD as friends ans hse is taking steps to deal with her behaviour. She may work out as an ally in this if you can come up with some sort of solution to resolve it.

[SlightlyMadSlug]

DTD1 is clear on how we feel about it (the bullying) - but she feels

a) powerless in standing up against Maureens opinions (i.e. if Maureens says DTD2 can't play DTD1 can't over-rule) and

b) really really wants to be Maureens friend (even at the expense of DTD2 ).


At the end of the day DTD1 is (unconsciously) perpetuating Maureens behaviour. I am at the moment happy that she is not actively involved in the bullying/making of remarks IYSWIM.

[adath]

Know exactly what you mean I know exactly how your dd feels as well I have been in similar caustic friendships as a child. I think at 6 she doesn't really have the same love for family that you do as an adult if that makes sense which is why she is happy to do this at the expense of her sisters feelings. Do you know what it is that makes this friendship with Maureen so atractive that she wants to be friends with her???

Do you think maureen would get bored with picking on DTD2 and move onto other classmates?? The thing about that is that other mothers may not be soo keen to see that your DTD1 is being almost bullied into acting herself and just see her as one of the instigators.OR do you think that Maureen is picking on DTD2 because they are twins and she is jealous of them???

[wannaBe]

This is tricky. Firstly, I would make it very clear to your dtd1 that she is her own person and that she has to do what she wants to do, and that a friendship where someone has so much influence over her is not a positive thing. Being influenced by someone else is not an excuce for bullying imo and although your dtd1 has not stooped to this level is sounds to me as if it?s only a matter of time before her need to be friends with this girl overshadows her need to be nice to her sister. It?s not acceptable and I would make it very clear that you do not approve and that if this behaviour continues then the other girl will not be allowed over to play any more. I realize that the other girl is the main instigator of this behaviour, but by making it clear to your dtd1 that she is also to blame it will maybe make her stop and think about whether a friendship with a girl who gets her into trouble at home is really worthwhile.

Then I would start to try and encourage friendships with other children. Invite other children ove on playdates, allow your dtd2 to choose friends to come over and encourage dtd1 to play as well and similarly encourage dtd1 to invite different friends over. In time, your dtd?s will make friends with other children and hopefully the other girl?s influence will subside.

[SlightlyMadSlug]

I am not 100% sure where it came from. It appeared at a time when the 'working groups' within the class were shuffled. DTD2 stayed with Maureen and DTD1 was arbitarily seperated. I wondered if it started as a need to have DTD1s company in hte playground as they had been seperated in class.

I don't know whay DTD1 really wants to be her friend. She spends enough time moaning that Maureen won't let her chose any games and is too bossy. I wonder whether it is this perpetuation of "I feel big enough to dominate DTD2 when I am with Maureen?"

I really feel like talking to a mutual (between me and Maureens mother) friend - but wonder whether that is gossiping behind her back IYSWIM. I do have a suspision that her daughter is also being excluded though as they used to be a tight group of 4 in reception - before mutual friend got moved to another class.

[SlightlyMadSlug]

I think that iunviting other playdates is a good idea. They only really invite 2...its just tricky I only have 1 daya week where this is possible due to work comitments/swimming lessons etc.

Will try and slot it in.

[adath]

With theschool holidays not far away it may be a good time to encourage other friends coming over and less Maureen.
I think it sounds pretty likely that being friends with Maurenn is a way for DTD1 to dominate DTD2 actually a bit of sibling stuff and she is using that to her advantage.
I agree with slightlymad that it become the case that you have to say to DTD1 that Maureen will not becoming round to play and show a bit of a united front with DTD2 here.
bizarre question are they identical?? Cold it be a way to seperate herself from DTD2 and show herself as her own person?? Just wondering because I have known a set of twin who rebelled against the "twins" badge and faught to become polar opposites

[SlightlyMadSpider]

They are identical but it is DTD2 that doesn't like to dress the same/wear the same bobble etc.