Following on from the 'Benign Neglect' and 'Paranoid Parenting' threads, when did we stop "being parents" and start "parenting"

[Issymum]

and what do you see as the difference?

I'm sure that for my parents' generation 'being a parent' was a state of existence not a continuous activity. My parents provided good(ish) food, regular bedtimes, irregular baths and spent a lot of time in the background doing their thing whilst we did ours. Interaction was occasioned by mealtimes, accidental injury, non-child focussed outings ("19th century industrial architecture is interesting") and family holidays. They would never have considered that they were actively 'parenting'.

Does the shift from 'being a parent' to 'parenting' denote a real philosophical change in our approach to raising a family or is it just part of a current fad of inventing new verbs? By the way, is 'parenting' transitive or intransitive?

[mamazon]

when "experts" realised they could earn a fortune by labeling certain techniques and make those who don't buy the book feel inferior

[suzywong]

my mother is nuts about Isambard K Brunel
she even knitted is name across a jumper once
maybe you and I crossed paths in the 70s at one of the nation's great ports or smelting sheds, issymum?

[Zog]

I think we have shifted to "parenting" because of the belief that every bad thing is preventable and we have therefore "failed" if misfortune befalls our children.

[Furball]

Can you imagine these days if you said you put your baby in the pram at the bottom of the garden everyday? These days we're pushed with baby music, gym tots, aqua tots blah de blah de blah and if you don't do all or at least some of those your child will suffer.

[Issymum]

Oh yes indeedy Suzywong. We lived in Bristol so had both the Clifton Suspension Bridge and the SS Great Britain over which to drool. I think my father's love of industrial architecture hit its apogee with the family holiday spent in a damp canal boat touring the industrial heritage of Birmingham!

[edam]

Maybe in part at least 'parenting' is used in an attempt to be gender neutral, instead of talking about motherhood?

[BreeVanDerCamp]

I feel it is to do with the way society is fragmented and by default there is no longer a "community" available to raise a child. So people automatically buy books.

[Lizzer]

You raise (if you'll pardon the pun) some very interesting points but I think you have to look deeper at the shift in culture during the past century to understand the reasoning behid our 'parenting' culture. We are given a lot more choice in life in general and when, how and if to have families at all, is perhaps one of the largest. Since the invention of, and subsequent emphasis on, contraception in the 50/60's we have been conditioned to believe that having babies are a choice. Therefore, another generation on since the contraception revolution we believe we have as many choices in child rearing and that our daily 'actions' will affect our lives and that of our children. As much as choosing not to take the pill, get the coil taken out etc did in creating our family in the first place. In other words I completely agree with you Issymum, I do think we have lost the ability to just 'have' children, but we're all activists nowadays and I don't think there's any going back now.

[CODalmighty]

my childhood was stadnign in the rain haveing the guide book read otu to us( to my elder sisters utter SHAMe)

[BreeVanDerCamp]

Cod

I don't know why, but that just made me snort.

[suzywong]

indeed indeed Issymum
I am voting your last sentence as QotW

My parents are also crazy about Iron Age hill forts. Maiden Castle jolly day out for a 13 year old, anyone?

[foxybrown]

Good thread, Issymum. And I completely agree with you and the points raised in the other posts. We are so much harder on ourselves, more competitive and much more aware of our children's psychological, physical and emotional needs. Whether its necessary or not.

Also being Bristolian, have many memories of the SS Great Britain ...

[Zola78]

I think Lizzer made some valid points. The change of roles within society and the moving away of families have changed the way we view parenting. When I had my first child I didn't have a clue. It was then that I realised that because I didn't grow up around family members who had children or were having children I didn't know what to expect. I had to rely on books because I felt too embarassed to discuss things like 'how often do you feed the baby? How often to change nappies ? etc

I lacked the belief in my instincts and so relied on books. My instincts have become stronger and I still read the books but with a different mind set. More is that right for my child(ren) rather than if the experts said it it must be right.

[jampot]

i think parenting is a conscious thing whereas being a parent is pretty much like reading from a manual.

I try to instill my morals in my children and explain why so they can understand why im a nasty cow at times and why sometimes they cant do stuff.

eg. becky (12) invited dd to her party the day before because "hannah cant come". Immediately I said no as I want my dd to realise that being 2nd best isnt an option to someone like Becky (who incidentally she doesnt even like). Also it was fine she wasnt going to the party. She is now able to decline invitations to things she doesnt want to participate in without fear of feeling odd.

[CODalmighty]

weve all been thre wihte he guide book then?
ditto hill forts
adn scottihs lochs

and mum makeing me climb the rock of gibraltar when half wasy up( me aged three) she noticed chicken pox all oerv my legs

[Blackduck]

With mine it was museums. My father would drag us round (at least two in a day) to the point where I was bored to tears! On the other hand, he always took us for wonderful lunches (my love of dining out definately started at a young age..). Meanwhile I have just endured another Thomas the Bl**dy Tank Engine day with ds (my parents just wouldn't have done it!

[Boco]

We always went on holiday out of season as it was cheaper. Sherringham in November. Usually had an ear infection at some point.

Earliest holiday memory is my dad nearly getting washed over the sea wall when a massive wave crashed over him. He had no clean or dry trousers and had to wear my mums pink cords. He is 6'4, she 5'6. So they were more like tight pink capri pants, with a good foot of hairy shin sticking out of the bottom.

He had to go and get fish and chips in them and came home in a furious temper because he'd been followed all the way home by the local policeman, scarpering along the pavement in a gale, clutching dinner, looking like a cross dressing mini milk.

[LadyMacbeth]

Another ex-Bristolian here, with a mechanical engineer for a father and a structural one for a brother. You can imagine the fun days we all had down at the docks! Lucky me eh? [hmm}

Anyway, a very interesting thread. Floating's comment about parenting being a chore is very interesting and one I think about a lot as a SAHM. I don't believe my parents saw parenting as anything other than incidental to their lives, therefore it wasn't seen as a chore at all. (I hope!)

While I feel my emotional connection with my parents wasn't great (it has vastly improved though as I've got older) I had a very happy childhood just being. If I got bored I would make dolls houses out of cardboard boxes/ go out on my bike / build obstacle courses with my brother/ play shops etc... I don't think my childhood was 'made' for me and I do believe it made me more resourceful and self-sufficient.

[franca70]

Lol at non child focused activites. Once, I think I was nine, my intellectual auntie took me to the cinema. We watched Wim Wender's Alice in the cities

[LadyMacbeth]

LOL Boco, my dad once walked around a hypermarket in France dressed in tight speedos and brown sandals!

[Boco]

Why do dads have so little shame? My fil wears really bad hats balanced on the very top of his head

[Issymum]

"issymum

your origianle post has bben lifted i think

froma book called 2THE MADNESS OF MODERN PARENTS"

whoops


i have just reda it.

v funny yet cringeworthy "

I protest at such a libellous post. I have never bought, read or so much as opened "The Madness of Modern Parents". I will be consulting my lawyers. Bu*gger! I am a lawyer.