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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Please please help me to deal with ds1 today

20 replies

colditz · 15/04/2007 10:46

He was really really naughty yesterday in town. I told him that if he carried on wandering off instead of staying with me, he would not be allowed to have his Marble Run out today. He didn't listen, and now he has asked for his marble run out. I have said no.

He has nagged me mercilessly for the past hour, and he just does not comprehend what I am talking about. I tell him no, he asks why, I explain, ask "do you understand?"

"Don't know. can I have my marble run out now? I will be good!"

What am I doing wrong here? I obviously am doing something wrong!

He is four, has impulse control problems and a moderate speech delay, but his comprehension is spot on for his age.

On the one hand, he doesn't seem to recall what he did and I said yesterday, or indeed 3 seconds ago. On the other hand, he has no problem recalling that the marble run is there, so his memory cannot be that bad, and if I stop following through on punishments he will get worse and worse.

I am trying really hard to be positive but he does the most stupid things sometimes - like flicking his belt in his brother's face - that make me see red and I end up bellowing at him. Coupled with the fact that he seems perfectly able to deny my presence if I am saying something he doesn't want to hear, I don't know how much of what I say he is understanding, and therefore how much I should pick him up on for ignoring.

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October · 15/04/2007 10:49

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LucyJones · 15/04/2007 10:50

Maybe say to him if you are good up til linchtime you can have it?

LucyJones · 15/04/2007 10:51

or you can have it now but if you flick your bel in your brother's face it goes away again?

WideWebWitch · 15/04/2007 10:53

Yes, I think there's something in that immediacy thing. They don't get it the next day necessarily until they're a bit older ime.

So I think punishment needs to be swift and immediate, so OUTSIDE in the hall is our thing if dd is wilfully badly behaved.

OTOH if that's what you said yesterday then I think you probably need to be consistent and say no, he can't have it.

WideWebWitch · 15/04/2007 10:53

Or he'll know that your threats are empty.

Pinkchampagne · 15/04/2007 10:55

Children do have very short memories & it is best to try & sort a punishment that can be done on the same day if possible.
I find mornings the hardest with my boys, because I cannot really threaten them with anything like time out etc, because we have to leave for school, and then when school is finished it is a little too late to then start to punish them for something they did in the morning!
Agree with Lucy, in that maybe telling him that if he is good all morning he can play with his marble run after lunch.

colditz · 15/04/2007 10:57

I know. The "No marble run tomorrow" was my response to being at the end of my tether, and now i don't know how to back down.

It's a good idea about letting him have it after lunch

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hebetalbot · 15/04/2007 11:04

I find that making the punishment for bad behaviour more immediate sometimes does the trick. My dd is a little younger than your ds (3.4yrs ). She has difficulty if I try and punish the following day over poor behaviour the previous day. Perhaps you could try a sticker chart for listening. If he gets 7 then he gets to choose a prize from a prize box. It works reasonably well with dd. Don't be too hard on yourself. You sound like a brilliant mum. I have read some of your posts and it is nearly always good advice. HTH

colditz · 15/04/2007 11:08

Sticker charts just don't work in this house, he sticks his own stickers in them and gets upset when that doesn't cut the mustard.

My problem isn't with him not listening, really, it's that even when I hold his face in my hands and blinker his eyes and posotion myself 18 inches from his face, he cannot repeat back to me what I said if I ask him 2 minutes later. So I don't know what he's taking in, and therefore don't know whether he is disobeying or just forgetting or not understanding.

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colditz · 15/04/2007 11:09

Thank you though, hebetalbot, advice is easier to dish than apply thouggh

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hebetalbot · 15/04/2007 11:18

yes I agree, stickers don't work for everyone. How about collecting marbles in a jar for the things you want to encourage? or am I way off base here.

October · 15/04/2007 11:19

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colditz · 15/04/2007 11:26

The marbles are a Big Issue in my house ATM - have a crawling baby so they aren't allowed out downstairs at all. But I might try a pqasta jar. I gave him a tenner for giving up the dummy after christmas, and he understood that he can swap things for other things, so a pasta jar might work well. Good plan.

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colditz · 15/04/2007 11:28

No, he is still gone. Comes every day to see the kids/take them out though.

But I have always had issues with ds1's listening, it's just than now he is 4, he should be able to listen a bit shouldn't he? Ach.

But yes, exp still comes, and it doesn't look like he will stop any time soon, so that's good.

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hebetalbot · 15/04/2007 11:33

yes, I know what you mean. I have a crawling baby as well. The big issue for me are little treading beads........ enough said. Hope the pasa jar helps.

October · 15/04/2007 11:38

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3littlefrogs · 15/04/2007 11:53

Colditz, I don't know your situation, but you mention that dh is gone, but comes back to visit. That suggests a major change in ds1's life?? I do remember always advising parents that children regress whenever their is a trauma or change to deal with. So, under the circumstances you might have to go back to the expectations and management that you used/had when he was about three to three and a half? Just for a little while, and see if things get better. It reduces the stress level of the child (and may reduce yours a bit if you understand why expectations need to be lowered).

It sounds like there is a bit of attention seeking going on too. I really hope things improve soon - and I hope this doesn't come across as being "preachy" IYSWIM. It isn't meant to be. HTH

This has probably crossed with loads of others by now.

LIZS · 15/04/2007 12:24

If you said no marble run today then I think you have to stick to it. Respond by saying he can have it tommorrow and putting it well out of sight and reach . If he pesters remind him he can have it tomorrow, assuming he doesn't do anything naughty (can you put a sticker on him for being good by lunch, tea and bedtime to keep him on track), find something you can do together to distract him, perhaps outside. Have you had any advice on his behaviour ?

colditz · 15/04/2007 20:30

LIZS Nobody seems to be willing to give me any advice that I don't already implement. The Ed Psych says there is basically nothing wrong with him that won't be solved by speech therapy.

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Pitchounette · 15/04/2007 21:01

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