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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

So, who would take a 2 yr old ds to a funeral?

35 replies

paintforfun · 04/02/2007 18:38

A family member passed away last week and the funerals this week. My sis has a 2 yr old and is considering taking him along with her. I'm not so sure it's a good idea. What do you think?

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Donbean · 04/02/2007 18:39

Depends on the child, will he sit for any length of time?

No way would mine so no way on this earth would i take mine any where. But then mine is the devils spawn....

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paintforfun · 04/02/2007 18:43

Surely not!

TBH he would probably sit for 10/15 mins but then start to be fidgety, out of boredom. I just have images of him shouting and trying to free himself from his mum's lap during the service which I think may upset some people there. But then she wants to take him so that all the older relatives we don't see often can get to meet him. It's a toughie...

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TheEmeraldCityTourGuide · 04/02/2007 18:43

I've always taken my children to family funerals. We found that everyone found it helpful to have the younger members of the family there to provide a distraction after the service.
When they were tiny we would just take them out of the service if they started being overly noisy.

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lulumama · 04/02/2007 18:46

went to a funeral a couple of years ago, where someone had brought their toddler..it was awful...screeching and wailing.. as you would expect if you were forced to sit quietly at that age..we couldn;t hear the readings or anything,

if your sister was prepared to take her LO out if they got noisy, or maybe bring LO to the wake or whatever is happening afterwards, instead?

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paintforfun · 04/02/2007 18:49

Yes that's my nightmare scenario of too much noise during the service. But then she could always take him out if it got too much.

Good to know that people have experience of this tho, if you know what I mean.

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footprints · 04/02/2007 18:51

I agree that it depends on the child. I would definitely take my dd, although be prepared to take her out if necessary. Also depends on the relatives I think, if you have the type of family who'd like having children there (my family would, I'm sure) or not.

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Yorkiegirl · 04/02/2007 18:51

Message withdrawn

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RustyBear · 04/02/2007 18:56

My sister took her DS to our nan's funeral - he was 2.3 iirc. He was very good most of the time, at one point he started saying I want a wee, so she took him out & walked around with him for a bit (and he peed in a corner of the churchyard )
All the elderly relatives adored him & he was the centre of attention at the gathering afterwards - which my mum was perfectly happy about, but you might want to think about - depends how the close family feel.

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DetentionGrrrl · 04/02/2007 18:57

I think it depends on the type of funeral, what the child is like and how much the person meant to them. I'd think them getting bored may the problem, or being a bit boisterous perhaps.

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FioFio · 04/02/2007 19:00

This reply has been deleted

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Greensleeves · 04/02/2007 19:00

When we went to my uncle's funeral we had to take ds (he was nearly 2) because we were a long way from home and everyone we knew was going to the funeral. I sat at the front with the family and dh sat at the back with ds so he could take him out if need be. I went to the burial afterwards and dh took ds on to the wake. It worked OK. Now ds1 is 4.5 though I would take him in his own right, if he wanted to be there and the deceased was someone he loved. IMO he is old enough to need to be included in adult grieving rituals and to say goodbye on his own behalf - we would still do the same thing as before with ds2 who is 2.6 though.

I really think there is no right/wrong here, every family is different and every child also. Everyone just does the best they can in these dreadful circumstances.

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geogteach · 04/02/2007 19:20

Before christmas I took DS1 5 and DS2 2 to my grandmothers funeral, they were fine and much admired afterwards. I left DD 3 with a friend as she really didn't understand and didn't want to come so I think it depends on the child. I did take DS2 out for part of the church service and DH took him for a walk at the crematorium.

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snorkle · 04/02/2007 19:21

Message withdrawn

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fennel · 04/02/2007 20:56

We took my 2yo to my sister in law's funeral reacently because we couldn't find a babysitter at short notice. We left my older dds because they were old enough to be upset, but at least my 2yo wasn't going to get distressed.

she's quite a mild quiet child though. and behaved impeccably.

and it can be quite useful having a small child there, when her cousins had just lost their mother, it was a bit of a distraction for them being able to cuddle their little cousin.

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exbury · 05/02/2007 10:23

Ideal scenario if you could work it would be for someone from the other side of the family to look after him during the service and then take him to the wake afterwards. We did this with DS (then 2) for DH's Nan's funeral - my mother looked after him while we went to the service, and then we picked him up and took him with us to PIL's house, where he provided a welcome distraction for various elderly relatives and was generally much better behaved than he would have been if he had just had to sit still for ages... I appreciate this is probably not possible in most circumstances!

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LittleSarah · 05/02/2007 10:25

I would if I had no other choice. But I would find it difficult to concentrate on the service and saying goodbye, etc if dd started playing up.

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foxtrot · 05/02/2007 10:27

I think it is fine as long as your sister is prepared to whisk him out of the service if he gets noisy. I have taken DD to a couple of funerals and people seem to welcome the distraction of a LO, and also like to see that life goes on.

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Marina · 05/02/2007 10:27

Not this age, no. Unless there was a general keen family preference for children to be present. EG in Fio's case .

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snowleopard · 05/02/2007 10:28

Yes, just as at weddings, take him, plus a couple of books and (quiet) toys, sit at the back and take him out for a run around outside if necessary (I wouldn't allow screaming etc. to ruin it for other people).

But then me and DP are of the "he can go everywhere we go" persuasion and DS is used to adult occasions - but I do think it's good for them to get used to these things.

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Cappuccino · 05/02/2007 10:30

I didn't go to a funeral until I was 23 and my family were constantly dying throughout my childhood

and I think it was a good decision not to let me go till I was old enough

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sandyballs · 05/02/2007 10:34

I took my DDs to DH's nan's funeral when they were about 2 or 3. They did get a bit loud though and I had to take them outside.
They had a good run around the churchyard and I just managed to stop one of them falling into the freshly dug grave awaiting poor nan . I still go a bit cold thinking about what could have been if I hadn't grabbed her - the solemn procession emerging from the church whilst I'm scrabbling around in the grave trying to remove my 2 year old .

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Donk · 05/02/2007 10:34

My Godson went to his father's funeral at age 2.5yrs - and he was fine. I don't know how his Mum would have coped if she'd had to leave him behind. Also, now that he's older it seems to be important to him that he went.
I took my ds (then aged 3.6yrs) to my Aunt's funeral - never occurred to me not to. We sat where we could leave if we needed to, but he was fine, and everyone else seemed very pleased to see him.

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MerlinsBeard · 05/02/2007 10:34

i would take both of mine (nealry 4 and nearly 2)but i would take a bag full of pencils,paper,cars and snacks and be prepared to take them out if i needed to. its a highly personal decision depending on the child and who the funeral is for as well as the parents.

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sunshinestarr · 05/02/2007 10:35

came from a cultural background and we'd attend funerals from the time we were born death was apart of life. when i attended my favourite aunt's funeral and i seeing all her grandchildren there and seeing the resemblance was very comforting. I could see her in them.

I have taken my children to a funeral when d/s was 10mths I stayed down the back with the other mums and when he'd get a bit noisy as they do we just went for a walk.

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Tommy · 05/02/2007 10:38

I think it's a good idea to take them.

If it's an old person that has died then a child (particularly family memeber) can remind people that life goes on and also it's a good opportunity to see children that you might not see often. Also they can lighten the mood afterwards which is sometimes necessary.

I also think you can easily take them outside duirng the church/crem bit and chat to the undertakers (have done alot!)

Also, I think it gets them used to going to funerals so that when they have to go to another one and perhaps are old enough to appreciate what's going on, it won't be so much of a shock.

At his great grandad's funeral, DS1 (then just 3) said at the end of the church service "Are we going to go and plant great grandad now?" (I had told him about the burial)which everyone found really sweet and Great Grandad would certainly have approved of.