Feel like I'm not doing very well at parenting

[imwithspud]

I need a rant really, apologies in advance as this will probably be long.

I have 2 dd's aged 3.5 and 13months. It's been a really hard week, I've come down with this horrendous cold which has made everything so much harder, my period started yesterday so I'm hormonal and crampy, and dp who does shift work is on lates this week so he doesn't finish till 9:30pm. It's my least favourite shift as it means I'm on my own with them both all afternoon right through till bed time and it feels relentless.

I feel like a horrible parent, I lack the patience for it at the moment and then I get pushed to my limit and end up being shouty mum which I hate. Dd1 just does not listen and 9 times out of 10 she throws almighty tantrums when told no to something. Then there's the endless questions and demands. She's just a normal 3 year old really but so far I have found this age to be be hardest yet! Dd2 is walking and climbing and is basically into absolutely everything. She also knows her own mind and despite not really knowing many words she certainly knows how to tell us what she wants and can be very loud in doing so. I never get a minute to myself through the day, let alone get on with housework. This afternoon I've managed to fold some laundry and that's it, every other minute was taken up by dd1 needing me for x or dd2 needing me for y or godforbid I nip to the loo to mumsnet for 5mins or make myself a drink. Dd1 attends pre school 5 mornings a week (for another week then she breaks up for the summer) and dd2 usually has a nap then too so I use that time to get things done such as load dishwasher, put washing on etc but I also use it as a chance to have a break otherwise I don't think I'd make it through the rest of the day.

I just don't have the energy for it anymore. The house is a mess at the moment, and because of dp's shift this week he hasn't been able to help out much/if at all - he does help at weekends and when he's on the early shift so is home early afternoon. But sometimes I feel he could do more around the house, whereas other times he surprises me by going above and beyond.

I'm way behind on laundry, the floors are vile and clutter is building up on various surfaces. I have what feels like an endless list of 'side jobs' which need doing on top of that. I feel totally swamped by everything, I'm only just about taking care of the basics at the moment. My dnan came round to look after dd2 last week whilst I took dd1 to see her new nursery and when I got back she commented breezily that me and dp were untidyusually stuff like that doesn't bother me because to an extent we are - I know we'll never live in a show home. But for some reason it's stuck with me, maybe because I'm already feeling low so it just seems like another kick whilst I'm down. Though I know she wouldn't have meant to have made me feel bad.

I'm currently laid out on the sofa, wrapped up in a blanket, feeling utterly burnt out both mentally and physically. I need a shower and I have less than an hour to book an online food shop delivery for tomorrow, yet I've still got to plan meals and make a list and the living room is still strewn with toys that need tidying. It's not going to happen - I could easily fall asleep right now.

I love dd's and dp with all my heart but I know that despite me trying I'm not being the best I can be and I feel like a complete failure for them at the moment because I can't seem to keep on top of things. I haven't really talked to anyone about this, apart from dp briefly because I don't want anyone to think I'm a rubbish mum who should be doing better because I already think that myself.

[imwithspud]

Thank you. I've decided I'm going to do the food shop tomorrow. We have enough in to last an extra day. Dp finishes at 7 tomorrow so that's a bonus too, means he can help with bedtime

I've had a shower which has cleared my head a bit and made me feel a bit more like me. It also doesn't help that I want to spend time with dp when he gets home so sometimes end up staying up a bit later than I should. Silly I know but I feel like we need to fit in time for us too especially on this shift as it's tough for all of us.

I've had a few tears tonight because I just feel so useless, think a combination of tiredness, period and being ill isn't helping. I just want to be the best for my girls and I feel like I'm letting them down and they'll grow up and realise what a terrible mum I was