have you ever not remembered feeding your baby

[sammyjayneex]

Last night it took me until 4am to settle my baby. He is breastfed so he wanted to feed a lot. Anyway he finally got settled and I put him in his cot and I tried to get some sleep before he wakes. I set my alarm for 5:30 to check on him. Anyway next thing I knew I woke up at about 7:45 with him asleep next to me in my bed. I'm worried sick because I don't remember my alarm going off, I don't remember getting him from his cot and I don't remember putting my breasts near him to feed. How can I do all that and not remember. I don't even remember him crying. He has his blanket over him in my bed as well and his cot was pulled closer to my bed so I must have got him out and put him in my bed. I have OCD so now my mind is racing with horrible thoughts. What if I hurt him and not remember? What if I acted out my bad dreams on him? What if I shook him in my sleep and he was not Conscious and that's why I didn't hear him try or remember feeding him? He is fine, and is feeding and seems fine but my mind is racing because I can't remember anything. It's probably because of the lack of sleep. I'm trying to remember last night but no.
I'm not on any medication, I don't smoke and I don't drink so none of this has affected me or anything. It's the lack of sleep. Would I know if some thing bad happened?

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

Breath. You acted on autopilot and don't remember because you're tired and nothing of note happened. I'm 8 weeks in with a non sleeping breastfeeding baby and often have a very hazy memory of the nights events. Lots of mums cosleep and barely even wake for feeds. If he seems fine it's because he is. (I know your ocd will make it difficult for you to believe me, I hope you're getting support during this tough period.)

[Artandco]

Your just tired. If you fed at 4am, why do you set an alarm to feed? Surely at night you only feed if they wake? That alone will give you more sleep as he doesn't need feeding every 90mins

[gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn]

Why are you setting an alarm for 1.5hrs after he went to sleep? You're exhausted

[lcoc2015]

Thats happened to me lots of times so dont worry about it. Your body is so physically used to hearing him cry, getting up, feeding him and then you fell asleep before putting him back in his cot. I realised on dd2 that every woman i know that breastfeeds does this when i asked about it! Why dont you make your bed as safe as possible for him to cosleep in in case it happens again. I.e. no loose duvet or pillows that could cover him and put a breathable blanket / grobag on him. You won't do anything bad / act out any dreams on him as your body is wired to protect him. Obvs no medication or alcohol either.

Hope you can relax a bit and enjoy him - theres no need to be setting your alarm in the middle of the night to check on him unless he is underweight and needs to be fed every 3 hours.

[Lweji]

Are you single? Noboby else in the house?

[Lweji]

And don't put alarm clocks. Just sleep and wake up when your baby does.

[sammyjayneex]

Thank you

I have a husband but he sleeps as he needs to go back to work now. I know I shouldn't set alarms, i guess I set my alarm to check on him and as I get worried I won't notice him wake up and I suppose it's my OCD making me do it as well.

[Lweji]

Are you sure he didn't wake up and took the baby to you?

[sammyjayneex]

I just want to be happy instead of worrying I'm gonna harm him all the time (I do not want this and never would, stupid OCD)
I need to see the doctor about My OCD cos it's got worse since he's been born

[sammyjayneex]

Lweji

I have asked him and he said he didn't.

[lcoc2015]

Yes do see your GP as the worries sound like they could be a bit intrusive. But it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job of caring for your son!

[Artandco]

I do think yor husband needs to help also. Yes he has work, but you have a baby to look after all day. You both need to be alert and awake most the day. He has a baby too so usually that means both parents are tired a bit a few months rather than one slep and one knackered

He can still help if you breastfeed. I used to feed baby 15 mins, then Dh would wind/ nappy/ resettle 15 mins after. That way we were both disturbed 15 mins rather than one fully 30 mins and one not at all

[Newtobecomingamum]

OP do you have an angel care alarm? This might help with your anxiety, helped me hugely. The alarm will beep if there is no movement or breathing from the cot, thos would also help you if you're worried you will get him out the cot and not remember as it will sense no movement and the alarm will sound to wake you up.

[ODog]

I cosleep and breastfeed and can rarely tell DH how many times DD fed by the morning. Bf releases sleepy hormones so what happened is completely natural. Make sure your bed is safe for cosleeping so if it happens again it's not an issue.

[Thelittleredhead]

I also suffer from OCD and intrusive thoughts, though it is (touch wood) well controlled now. Whenever something like this happens I like to play a game called "what's more likely?", which I think really helps. So- what's more likely; that you did something bad, harmed your son somehow and don't remember (even though a) he is totally fine and b) you doing something bad to him would be out of the ordinary and therefore a "trigger" for your memory, not something you would forget) OR that you were on autopilot, exhausted, and you took care of your son, fed him and you both fell asleep?

I know it is really scary. Things like this have happened to me and it takes days or sometimes weeks for me to stop obsessing about it, but "what's more likely?" Really does help.

Sounds to me like you're doing a great job, but give yourself a break or you'll burn out.

[sammyjayneex]

The angel care alarm sounds very helpful, I'll look into that.

I'm trying to tell myself that I wouldn't do anything like that but then something takes over and I'm back to thinking I've hurt him. I absolutely hate not remembering things. I love my baby and this is ruining everything

[cantcope2016]

I hate these thoughts.
New ones coming every night.
Then I get my husband telling me to 'fuck off' in the middle of the night because I hadn't changed his nappy when he asked (I wanted to get him fed quickly) then he's snoring minutes later. Looks like I'm in my own

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

Is that you, OP? I'm sorry you feel you can't cope. It really is so tough this bit but also very short term. Does your doctor know how much you're struggling?

[albertcampionscat]

I woke up one night convinced that I'd fallen asleep with DS1 in the bed. I went to pick him up and couldn't understand why he'd become so heavy. He was heavy because he was actually DP. DS1 was in the Moses basket all along. DP was not impressed at being woken up.

Breathe. It's okay.