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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Was caught up in London 7/7 and now I am a terrible parent </3

15 replies

CraigN24 · 27/03/2016 16:31

During the London attacks on 7/7 i was on the underground and I saw some terrible sights, sights that will stay with me forever.. Since that day I wake up screaming and get terrible flash backs. I still struggle to talk about it today, even to my boyfriend ( I am a gay daddy) and it's putting a huge strain on our relationship...
My partner has booked us tickets to go to Disney with My son however I have said we can't go because it isn't safe ( the flash backs have been getting worse since the news last week) and he basically called me a terrible and selfish parent because I am stopping little man experince something new :(

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Andro · 27/03/2016 17:12

You don't sound selfish, you sound like someone with possible PTSD who's symptoms have been exacerbated by the recent triggering events in Brussels.

PTSD is hellish, my ds has had years of support and is much improved but it will probably always be there to some degree. You probably do need more help, you also need your partner to support you instead of criticising you for something you can't control (or manage at the moment).

pointythings · 27/03/2016 20:22

It is very likely that you have PTSD and as pp has said that Brussels has triggered it. Your partner needs to be a heck of a lot more sympathetic about this, you are not doing this for fun!

Do please get re-referred for specialist support, you deserve it.

wheresthel1ght · 27/03/2016 20:59

You are most definitely not a terrible parent!!! I wasn't involved directly in 7/7 but I have friends and family who were and it has had a huge effect on their lives.

I know this sounds trite but if you stop it living your life then the terrorists win. You definitely need to consider further counselling but honestly your reaction is perfectly normal as a parent. I am not sure I would agree to taking my dd to Disney at the current time if she was old enough to even understand it. Yes there are risks at every corner but there are ways to minimise those risks.

Sending you

reader77 · 27/03/2016 21:04

No way a terrible parent nor selfish. So sorry you experienced such a horrible thing.

It sounds like you are being very sensible thinking about going to get more help. There is no set time to get over trauma. Do what you need to do.

thatsn0tmyname · 27/03/2016 21:07

How awful for you. Those events were beyond your control and your flashbacks are beyond your control. Your future is in your control. Please seek help. X

ineedamoreadultieradult · 27/03/2016 21:10

You are not selfish, please do investigate what help is avaliable to you. How old is your son? It's more than likely we can think of some lovely things you can do with him that you feel able to cope with. He doesn't need Disney he needs a happy Dad.

GeoffreysGoat · 27/03/2016 21:17

PTSD is a fucker, and your partner is the selfish one for guilt tripping you. Fwiw I doubt we'll ever be able to afford Disney, even Paris, and it has bugger all to do with my ability to love my children

Error404usernamenotfound · 27/03/2016 21:18

You are not being selfish, you are trying to keep your family safe. Your sense of what is safe is (wholly understandably) skewed because of your experiences, and further exacerbated by recent events, but selfishness is the last thing that could explain your reaction.

Please seek further help; your GP might be able to help, as well as a counsellor. And point your DP in the direction of information about how to support someone with PTSD, because he BADLY needs to be educated on the subject.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 27/03/2016 21:20

Please don't beat yourself up, Disneyland isn't compulsory and certainly doesn't define the quality of your parenting. More help sounds like a good idea x

Whatamuckingfuddle · 27/03/2016 21:26

I love my children dearly, I don't have ptsd and I would not consider Disneyland safe enough to take my children to right now, you aren't being selfish and you aren't a terrible parent. Saying that PPs probably are right that we should all live as we want to or IS are winning

Fairylea · 27/03/2016 21:29

I have suffered ptsd in different circumstances and my heart goes out to you. You aren't a selfish or bad person, you do need some help though.

On a very basic practical level is there any way you can change aspects of the journey to get there to make it more bearable - if it's tube or train that bothers you could you get there by taxi or coach for example and swap ferry / Eurostar / coach around as appropriate ? I know that sounds terribly simplistic but sometimes making things as different as possible helps.

Pollaidh · 27/03/2016 23:10

You have PTSD which is clearly not resolved. I've suffered it, still do to some extent though the worst of the symptoms have gone. It is hell. It feels like the old me died that day (unrelated to 7/7). That was 11 years ago and I still suffer and it still affects how I live my life on a day to day basis, despite some pretty good treatment (which unfortunately had to be left unfinished).

It's really difficult for people who don't have it to understand its effects. Your other half could definitely do with reading about PTSD and its effects on people, and how best to support you. You are not being selfish. You are trying to find your way out of hell and back to normality whilst keeping your loved ones safe.

PTSD will often flare up during times of additional stress or 'triggers' and the Brussels attacks certainly count. I am not surprised by your reaction and would say the same in your place. Also watch out on the 10 year anniversary when there's bound to be lots of media coverage as well as the date in your head.

You need further treatment, maybe some CBT-based therapy by a trauma-experienced therapist or psychologist. To get support in the meantime for this flare up try calling ASSIST assisttraumacare.org.uk/contact/ they have a helpline and send out info packs and can direct you to trauma treatment.

Pollaidh · 27/03/2016 23:22

And - I'm really sorry you're suffering through this. It does, with treatment, get better to some degree, as you've no doubt found. To me it has been worse than physical injury I suffered, even though that too effects me daily.

For those saying 'don't let the terrorists win' - yeah, we know that as well as you do. But there's a huge difference between saying that as someone without PTSD, and saying it as someone with PTSD. People with PTSD are processing risks in a very different way, and being tormented by real life visuals, sounds multiple times a day, and afraid to sleep at night because of what they see.

I am afraid of being in an attack. Not because I might die, but because it might trigger full blown PTSD again.

Pollaidh · 27/03/2016 23:23

affects, sorry.

coffeeisnectar · 27/03/2016 23:28

You have PTSD. My partner served in the Falklands and suffers from it although not as badly as you but he still reacts badly to certain things like low flying aircraft.

I have complex PTSD and cbt and medication and counselling has helped me get it under a certain control. It's horrible but nothing to be ashamed of.

Get back to your GP and ask for CBT and counselling and see if there are any meds which could help.

In the meantime, Disney will still be there. Go to legoland instead.

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