Dealing with aggressive 15 DS

[failingmum15]

First post ever, would just welcome some advice please. Youngest DS, 15 can be a bit aggressive but has been behaving worse since September - cautioned by Police for shoplifting with friend (although seems genuinely ashamed), started smoking, sweary, last year I found out he was planning to do weed so we grounded him a couple of weekends and got police friend round for a chat. Last night he wanted to use my iPad whilst he went on exercise machine (his own device is confiscated at the moment for bad behaviour ie aggressive response to us finding out about the smoking, although he is allowed on family computer). I explained I needed to remove emails as some are private (I have been sharing my concerns about him with friends) so that took about 20 minutes. He started swearing and getting a bit aggressive so I said calmly if you want my iPad apologise and I will give it to you but it was a present so treat it nicely. He starts insulting me saying I have only got a degree from a rubbish Uni and he calls me a liar saying I was never going to let him borrow the iPad (even though I was). He calls me a fucking bitch and throws my reading glasses (£250) at the wardrobe and storms downstairs. He is much bigger than me and can be aggressive so I waited until DH came home at 10:30 (working late, gets home at 8pm most nights) and explained what had happened. DH is quite big person but very calm, and sensible and calls DS downstairs. DS is rude and cocky and starts swearing again and calls me a liar. DH tells him to go upstairs but DS refuses, swearing about me again continually calling me a fucking bitch even though I repeat that he could borrow my iPad once I had removed private emails. This continues whilst DH is talking calmly to him but not making any impact (basically he is not dealing with the fact that he is calling me a fucking bitch, liar etc).
I’m thinking I’m going to have to sleep somewhere else really, then I thought this is totally unacceptable. So I tell him to get out of the house, shouting but not swearing. He refuses and DH was not helping so I call the police and start speaking to them when DH and DD are listening. DS is quite shocked this is the first time I have ever asked him to get out and he doesn’t want to but as he knows police are talking to me he leaves. He disappears for a while then comes and sits on garden wall at midnight but still refuses to apologise to me so DH says calmly that he cannot come in. I am worried sick (as I do love him but cannot get through to him) he makes dog bark about 2:30 but only actually rings doorbell at 3:15 as he is totally afraid of a man he has seen in the street (he is actually a bit of a wimp). DH asks him to apologise and he does but now I realise this is only because he has had a fright outside since this morning he is back to usual, rude, arguing he has done nothing wrong, not sorry for what he has done. Me and DH had to leave for work before 8pm and left him getting ready for school. I think he has gone to school otherwise the school would have rung me by now.

Eldest DS was a bit aggressive but never swore to this extent, he is now at Uni and DD the middle one is lovely so think we are not totally crap parents.

Calmly, softly speaking to him by DH has no impact, I am too afraid to deal with him when he is aggressive as I know he would hit me (he has pushed me into the door before) so what would you do? He seems to have less respect for me than DH, but I am with him a lot more than DH as he works late and travels for a week at a time sometimes.

What should i have done differently? Any suggestions welcome :)

[NellysKnickers]

Not sent a 15 year old out in the middle of the night would be a good start. I know you are at the end of you tether but he's 15, still a kid. Please don't think I'm judging, I'm not, it's just what I would have done differently.

[NellysKnickers]

OP my last post wasn't that helpful. Sorry. How does he get on at school? Could he be having trouble there and taking it out on you? Has this behaviour come out of nowhere or has it been building up for a while? It must be difficult for you. Hopefully someone with better advice will be along soon.

[Lozza1990]

Honestly I think you need to be way harder on him, that's so disrespectful and no you probably shouldn't have sent him out in the middle of the night but it's no less than he deserves. No offence but DH sounds utterly useless so I would have a chat with him and certainly not wait for him to get home to 'discipline'. You need to stop being afraid, that's your son so sit down with him and your husband and tell him he's grounded/phone taken away or whatever until he learns to be respectful and that you and DH are there if he wants to chat about why he has all this anger inside him but other than that there's no further discussion. What's his behaviour like at school? Maybe have a chat with them as well.

[waterrat]

I can understand why your are finding this challenging but you can't ask a 15 year old to leave the house for the night. Where did you think he would sleep?

I think you could have responded in a much simpler abd quicker way to the swearing over the iPad. Once the swearing started I would put the iPad away and say ok you are not using this now. Don't start to open negotiating and ask him to apologise uou are treating him like 5 year old who has been a but rude

He will.respect you more if you are calm and clear and have simple firm boundaries.

Once he starts to be aggressive simply disengage and move away

I know not everyone will agree with me about this but.I think you really overreacted bringing in a police officer to talk to him about weed.

The majority of people I knew smoked weed regularly when I was in my teens and twenties and trying it is completely normal. Sorry if that scares you but it's true.

Grounding him.and coming down like a ton of bricks for things like that will mean he feels alienated from you and unable to trust you. The Friends I had who could speak openly with their parents about life tended to get in less dangerous situations

Why don't you try to begin again. Sit down and explain calmly what your rules are abd try yo listen to why he is so angry

[OhMakeMeOver]

I really don't have much advice, but it sounds like a difficult situation.

I would ask the school how he is there, too. Maybe they have some sort of assistant that helps with kids having behavioural problems that could maybe give guidance and understanding. Can I ask, how much attention does he get at home? Does he feel left out sometimes? I'm not trying to cause offence, it's just that my nephew behaves like this sometimes and no one can get through to him, but they say that it's probably because he feels left out by his other siblings. I think what seems to work with him most times is if someone actually takes the time to sit down with him and talk about why he's so angry. (of course, it's usually my mum that does that!)

But... You took his iPad away. Then when he wanted to use yours, you agreed. If his iPad is taken away - that's it! He doesn't get to use anyone else's, that defeats the object!