My dd bf encouraging my dd not to eat. Pls help.

[lilycabbagerocks]

DD (11) and her BF (11) have been friends for years, and up to now it has been a happy and positive experience. In the last few months dd's bf has lost a lot of weight and is visibly very under weight now, and has the lollypop problem. I didn't know it was an issue until yesterday, and assumed she was just very thin. DD has often came home and told me that her bf isn't eating at school etc but I thought it was the terrible school lunches. When bf comes to our house for tea she barely touches her food I have now reflected, but at the time put it down to my lack of cooking skills.
Now she is encouraging my dd to stop eating, by saying she would never be friends with 'fat' people and that she broke up with previous friends because they put on weight! How it is good not to eat etc. My dd was very upset about this, and even though she too is already very slender, she is now saying she wants to cut back on food as well, and that she feels really uncomfortable and didn't eat her dinner last night, that she wants to 'work on' her stomach etc and her legs are 'fleshy'. I mean they are sticks, it is simply unbelievable.

I am absolutely horrified, having spent my adult life talking so positively about body image to my dc, and being a sporty and active family we have always been very relaxed about bodies of any gender. We don't attach any importance to body shape or make issues about food etc.

I have no idea what to do! Please can someone give me some advice. I showed my dd some photos of girls with anorexia on line and explained how dangerous it is to stop eating etc etc, and showed her in comparison more healthy body images like Jessica Ennis, Rebecca Adlington and different women. But I am not sure I can have the same influence as her bf, and I am really worried.

I would speak to bf mother but she has been on a liquid diet for the last year and never eats herself, and is always boasting about starving herself up to now I have simply ignored her and put it down to low self esteem, so I am not sure she will see that there is a big problem with it.
Maybe there isn't a big problem, but I do feel really worried about both girls and the terrible influence. My dd and bf are in the same class and spend every day together. Please help if you can.

[manandbeast]

Bloody hell - that is a really tough one, especially given the mum's behaviour.

I think all you can do is continue to model good behaviour for both girls and talk to your daughter separately about how unhealthy this attitude is.

Perhaps there are anorexia / eating disorder charities that offer advice? I just found these guys: www.b-eat.co.uk maybe they can advise you on the best way to talk to your daughter (not that I'm suggesting she has an eating disorder, but she does seem to be under pressure from her peer, and maybe they have a POV on dealing with that??).

Good luck OP, this must be very troubling.

[winchester1]

Have you raised it with the school at all?

Also does she have a pet at all, or could she get a small one to learn hands on why you have to eat sensibly?

Is/was bfs mum overweight so her Dr put her on an extreme diet and she maybe hasn't noticed the affect on her dd in her effort to get healthy for her dd.

[HexBramble]

You need to speak to the Mum and at least try to make her see how damaging this behaviour is. If she speaks openly about 'starving herself' being a positive thing, then she isn't blameless.

[lilycabbagerocks]

winchester, thank you for your post. bf mother is and has always been very thin, she is also incredibly beautiful and does not need to do such drastic things, but she does not see herself the way everyone else does. I am concerned that my dd is now being affected by such damaging behaviour. I have thought about discouraging their friendship because I am so worried.

We have a house full of pets, but I hadn't connected animals and human eating, I will give it a try. The internet pictures terrified her, I am not sure I did the right thing showing her, but I had to counter it somehow... I can't believe I am in this position, she is not even quite 11!

[waterrat]

I think you should be very worried by this. Sorry. ..don't just carry on and hope your daughter eats. Speak to the school and stop your dayhtyer seeing her friend. Tell her it's completely disgusting behaviour and the friend is banned ...I think its so so dangerous ...having had many friends at schools who had eating disorders

[lilycabbagerocks]

Man, thanks for the link I will take a look. It is a tough one, because most mothers would be pretty horrified if their child was starving themselves.

[lilycabbagerocks]

Hex, I might do that. I have nothing to lose, she may be upset but will try to be tactful.

[Canyouforgiveher]

I would talk to the mum (if for no other reason so you can say you did your best for this child), talk to the school and ask for help/express your concerns and frankly, I would strongly strongly discourage this friendship.

My 15 year old has had some MH issues (not eating disorders) and every single therapist/doctor/counselor we have spoken to has more or less said to us that the hardest issues to deal with are eating disorders - incredibly difficult to overcome. Your dd is very young, there is enough pressure to be countered out there in the world, you don't need her best friend pouring poison in her ear - because that is what it is. Not to sound to alarmist but I'd deal with this the same way as if the friend were encouraging your dd to smoke.

Poor kid (the friend that is).

[Ekorre]

Can you encourage other friendshps? She will probably listen more to another peer or older cousin/neighbour's teen over her mum.

Is dd quite mature? Could you try and get across to her that her friend is likely copying her mum to try and appear grown up.

[RachelZoe]

Not to sound to alarmist but I'd deal with this the same way as if the friend were encouraging your dd to smoke.


Yes. This is an excellent parallel.


I would really discourage this friendship, not in a banning or combative way but gently try to move her out of this girls path, no more visits to your house or her to theirs.


Don't show her any more pictures, especially of the more healthy bodies, a lot of teens react really badly to this and get all eye rolly and shitty about it, they want to be "the hot ones", not people like Rebecca Adlington (not that she isn't lovely but you know what I mean).

It needs to be about her body being ok, not comparing herself to someone else, healthy or otherwise.


Sorry you're having to deal with this , that girls mother sounds like a nightmare.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

No experience of this with my DC but when I was the same age my bf developed eating disorders, her father had been hospitalised with anorexia which was very unusual for a man in the 70s.

She may resist. Just keep being an active family and enjoying food. Try to cook a couple of her favourites in the week but do talk to the charity.

Also, are they in high school? I was wondering if you could speak to the school about your concerns.

[shrunkenhead]

I'd speak to the school as it sounds like your daughter's friend's mother has an unhealthy relationship with food anyway....
My dd is only six and (after a tough few years growing up myself with eating issues, not helped by my mother being constantly on a diet) we go to great pains to never use the F word, to eat healthy to emphasise that food gives us energy to make us strong and healthy etc etc never to put ourselves down in front of her etc etc
As a previous poster said I'd advise to keep your daughter away from this girl for her own health reasons as remember how influential relationships are at this age.

[ohthegoats]

What do people want the school to do?

[Sparrowlegs248]

Something else you could try is educating her regarding food = fuel. If you are an active family, and if she would look up to people like Jessica Ennis, then explaining that someone like Jessica Ennis actually has to eat quite a lot to fuel her body and training. Explain that eating healthily is fine but what bf is doing is not healthy.

I second contacting BEAT too. They will surely know how to help.

[VeryPunny]

I'd be steering her away from the friend, using the line that what kind of friend would she be if she was only prepared to be friends with thin people?

I'd also be keeping a close eye on her internet usage over the next little while.

Whilst I think the friend is in an awful situation, my first concern would be for my own child's well-being.

[specialsubject]

the other mother has passed her mental problems to her child, who is also a bully. Not the other child's fault, but this horrific damage is spreading to yours.

take some advice from the school, keep your child away from unsupervised internet and magazines and try your best to reinforce realistic ideas of a healthy body. 'your friend is ill' perhaps?

and that is all magazines; more fool me for buying the Times, but there was an horrific picture in the magazine of some woman who looked a step away from death due to emaciation. Apparently she's a jewellery designer, and there was no mention in the article that she was so ill. Even the journos seem to think this kind of thing is normal.

BTW I just googled Rebecca Adlington. Every photo shows her smiling, unlike the miserable fish-face expressions of the wrecked 'models'. She is fit, healthy and even has lovely hair despite all the chlorine. Now there is someone to look up to.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

I don't think the school should "do" anything but be made aware of what is going on.

[blueemerald]

Is your daughter about to start secondary school? I would definitely encourage other friendships, clubs, hobbies etc and also alert the school on the bf's behalf, it doesn't sound like the mother will do much about it.

[amarmai]

there are videos that have been made to deal with this problem. I'd show them to your dd to educate her. Also she needs to know that friends do not threaten ,bully and control- maybe some kind of counselling? This needs to be nipped in the bud asap as not eating is an addictive behaviour.