My daughter needs help. Help!

[simbo]

My beautiful 16yr old has just let me know that she has been seeking online counselling for more than 2 years for a mental problem which she believes herself to have. She will not tell me what it is about, says she cannot say the words. She has hidden this so well, having been model student and very involved in youth organisations/voluntary work etc. This is for real, at least for her. I can rule out abuse of some kind, but really have no idea what is going on. I have made her a GP appointment (which I would have done 2 yrs ago if I had known) but it is a few weeks away. She has never been one to share her feelings with her family, so does not have anyone to talk to. Has anyone else any experience of anything like this, and at 16 does she have the right to keep her parents in the dark?

[mrsdavidbowie]

Yes she has every right.
At 16 she can go to the go without you and gp cannot tell you.

[BerylStreep]

Phone the GP and explain you cannot wait for a few weeks, if necessary ask to speak to one of the GPs on the phone to explain.

Many GP practices will prioritise this type of issue.

[OriginalHugsy]

I have no experience in this but my feeling would be to just be there for her and let her know you support her and eventually she may tell you. I know it must be hard but I reckon just knowing you are there and not judging her then she will talk about it with you at some point. You cannot make her tell you and will likely push her away if you try to. Hope she is ok.

[simbo]

I made the appointment using the automated computer system as it is Sat evening. I made her watch me do it to try to emphasise to her that I would always have sought to help her only I did not know that there was anything wrong. I will phone on Monday.

[wishingchair]

I imagine it was a huge step for her to talk to you about it at all, so I think all you can do is support her and get her into the doctor as soon as you can. I'd go into the surgery and talk honestly with the receptionist and ask for a double appointment so she doesn't feel rushed when she's in there.

[simbo]

I feel physically sick that she has been so secretive about something so important.

[mrsdavidbowie]

That's all you can do.....she knows you are there for her.

[SofiaAmes]

Be thankful that your daughter had the sense to seek online counseling. And I would take it seriously that she has come to you now. Either she is feeling more comfortable because the online counseling is working OR the online counseling is not enough and she needs more help. Please follow the advice and call the GP and ask for a quicker appointment. If you are not completely broke, it may also be worth seeking private counseling rather than waiting for it to happen through the NHS.

[simbo]

I will pay for counselling if I can find any, but it would be useful to know what ails her so that any help could be more targetted. I don't think she has found the online counselling very helpful but she said that she had told one person online last year what the problem was but that she is not in contact with them any more. I am glad that she has told me now. She claims that she said nothing before as she thought I would not take her seriously and would not seek professional help. Not true. She obviously doesn't trust me much.

[SofiaAmes]

simbo, please don't take it too personally. Teenagers are biologically predisposed to not trust their parents. It's normal and totally not about you. Perhaps you might suggest to her to post anonymously on Mumsnet saying what her issue is and asking for recommendations of counselors.

[LuckyCornish13]

I was your DDs age when I went to the doctors to get diagnosed/seek help with a super embarrassing condition that I had self diagnosed/researched on the Internet

I did this without my mums knowledge because I was absolutely mortified about something I was convinced was in my head-it wasn't, and that it made me a freak/unnatural-it didn't! But thinking back to then, trying to talk to my mum about it, I literally couldn't say the words out loud, I just stammered/spluttered then changed the subject

My point is, I love and trust my mum very, very much but there are some things that are so gut-wrenchingly embarrassing that I just couldn't say to her!

The fact that she's come to you and asked for help/opened up to you is a massive positive, but I think you'll have to try and resist the urge of questioning her. Try and be patient (however hard it is) and let her know you'll support her no matter what; which it sounds like you are

[simbo]

I love her to bits but she has always kept things to herself (as did I at her age - and beyond), so not supporting her has been normal for us as she has always just seemed to get on with things, but now I think that her apparent solitary existence is not because she is happy by herself, there must be more to it. I just feel a rubbish mum. Who wouldn't? The worst thing is I think some of her friends (she has a few close ones but they aren't together much) may know what is up with her, which may mean that their mums do too. So they may know something about my girl that I do not. I feel like I just have to know.

[Andro]

Does she actually want you to know but cannot verbalise it? If so she could write it down (might be helpful for communicating with her gp as well) or leave an appropriate web page open for you.

If she isn't ready to tell you, take a step back but assure her that you'll be there if she needs you...without recrimination for the delay!