Do you think it's rude for someone to randomly start feeding your baby?

[BucketFullOfDinosaurs]

DS is 8mo, and when we're at PILs house (about once a week), MIL will very often start feeding him random food. Usually it's ok, although sometimes it's stuff that's not that healthy. Is it weird of me to wish she'd ask me first? If she did ask, I'd usually say yes, although there have been a few times when I've asked her to only give a spoonful (eg to let him taste something new, but unhealthy), and she's just kept spooning it on in.

I just find it a bit rude. We're doing blw, so I try to limit purees (so he doesn't get used to just sucking food in), but she'll give him stuff like that. She also, for example, gave him lots of jelly one day (ignoring me when I asked her to stop), so then he didn't want any milk all evening, and then was hungry during the night.

My own mum would always ask before giving him anything at all, and if she does offer to give him something it's always vegetables or fruit, not sweets. I'd never give food to someone else's child without permission.

[33goingon64]

As he's so young, yes I would expect to be asked first. Once DCs are older it matters less but 8 mo is v young and she shouldn't interfere in your weaning method. But you know it's just a generation thing about feeding up babies and she probably doesn't get BLW. Have you explained your aporoach to her?

[BucketFullOfDinosaurs]

We've explained a bit, but she doesn't seem that interested, and just carries on doing it her way! I now she doesn't mean any harm, but she doesn't take much care either. It's not that I want to control every bit that he eats, but nor do I really want him to have jelly for dinner!

[33goingon64]

We didn't hive DS anything sugary til he was 1 and I think that's fairly standard practice. I'd try talking to her again and explain politely that you'd rather he didn't have sugar yet. Between spoon feeding and giving him sugary food I could let the former go (as it's only once a week) but would not be happy about the latter.

[K8eee]

ergh my fil is the same. It infuriates me just reading your post op. definitely rude!

[TheOriginalWinkly]

(Disclaimer - tired, hungry and grumpy here) Your MIL is well overstepping the mark, and the next time she tries it physically take the bowl/spoon away and say 'no he's not eating that.' If she persists, take your DS away and tell her why.

[BucketFullOfDinosaurs]

Good to know I'm not being wildly unreasonable in being a bit miffed! I'm rubbish at confrontation, so I don't really know what's best to say. MIL is also not used to bring argued with, and gets offended quite easily. I'd like to keep the peace of possible, as I generally get on ok with her, so how do I say something without causing a massive scene?

[TheOriginalWinkly]

Well tbh you've tried to be nice about it, and from your last post it sounds like she's one of Those Sorts, so frankly you're screwed, because if you're firm with her there'll be tears, histrionics, and wailing that 'I'm only trying to be a kind granny to BucketDS' and 'I can never do right by Bucket.' So decide if it's worth the inevitable fall out. If it is, then just go for it.

[BucketFullOfDinosaurs]

The one thing that sort of works sometimes is to always bring my own food for him. I'm just not always that organised. So maybe I'll try ramping that up a bit more first, and see whether I can fend her off that way for a bit. She's used to my SIL's kids, who seem to be allowed anything and everything, which doesn't help!

If supplying food doesn't work, then I'll maybe have to steel myself for confrontation (Eeek!).

[squizita]

Rude especially when still on breast/bottle because as you say it could mean you're up all night!!

[CloserToFiftyThanTwenty]

Can you involve her in his mealtimes so she does still get to "do" the feeding?

[Imeg]

I have a similar situation with my in laws, who are really lovely, but are very keen to give baby very large quantities of puddings etc. They also do no home cooking at all so everything is out of a packet, which is obviously entirely their choice, but it's all a bit salty for a baby. We see them less often than you do (maybe monthly) and he's 13 months so now it's more the portion size that bothers me but a few suggestions:

• If everyone's eating together, say that you'll give baby some of yours rather than him having his own portion, then you're in control.
  
• Sometimes you do just have to be firm and say no (I wasn't firm enough at Christmas and he threw up because he'd been given so much trifle by great-grandma - I felt really bad)
  
• Can you go out for the day when you visit so she has less access to food at random times?
  
• Or invite them to your house instead?
  
• If baby is on bottles and you're there at the right times, could she give a bottle?
  
• Can you tell her that last time he had x he was up in the night?
  
• depending on how old sister in law's kids are, can you tell her advice has changed since then? Or suggest perhaps it's hard to remember when they were that age? Or find a reason specific to your child why it's important to establish healthy eating habits?
  

Good luck - I think if we were visiting weekly I would definitely need to set really clear boundaries.

[zipzap]

Next time could you just say 'last time you gave him that he had that (or ate at this time of day etc) he didn't want his supper and then kept me awake all night and I don't think I can face another sleepless night tonight, so thanks for giving him a try and he can wait until supper...'


And then just take him out of the chair if she won't stop feeding him - or indeed, just take him out of the chair as you say it so she doesn't get a choice.

And get your dh involved too so that it's not just you vs mil.

good luck!

[purplemurple1]

Sil is like this, i always say no he does not need his own desert and share mine and now he is mobil i tell him no one is giving him theirs if he is asking others for more.
Then they have to follow my lead.

If its a meal i always add veg or give him spmething better beforehand so he only eats a little of the salty food. He loves carrorts and corn so will always take that first.

With drinks i just say the doctor /hv has said to limit his milk and only offer water. This is feasable as he is a little overweight.

[BucketFullOfDinosaurs]

Thanks all, especially Imeg. He's not bottle-fed, so can't do that, and I do basically try to give him some of my dinner instead of him having something specially made, but as a PP said, MIL cooks a lot of processed stuff from packets, so I don't want to give him too much.

I think telling her that the last time he had xx he was up all night / out of sorts after might be the way to go. I tried the line about how advice has changed, and she dismissed it as "they're always saying different things, they don't know what they're talking about!" She believes that, having raised 7 kids, she knows it all (despite the fact that 3 of her adult children refuse point blank to eat vegetables, and one survives entirely on chips, toast and cheese... so maybe she didn't entirely encourage them to be good eaters!).