How important are fathers???

[artyoishi]

Odd question I know and it isn't as though I'm not happily married...
I'm pregnant and due to work circumstances the DH will be away working abroad pretty much straight after DC1 is born... am here in the UK as here are my parents and friends nearish, but nowhere to live in the other country with the DH being a nomadic worker. I returned because we were living out of the back of a car for over 6 months and no money to buy a caravan/motorhome.
He is coming to the UK for the birth and then heading off again days later.
My biggest concern is that will the DH and DC bond?
The next issue is am I able to cope raising DC almost on my own??
It is a little bit like having a partner in the forces, except with no leave!!!
Has anybody been in a similar situation? Anyone have any advice??

[J0an0fArk]

Well, they aren't essential obviously because so many children are raised without a father. My mother and father were ''happily married'' but my father was quite sexist I guess and he was more interested in brothers' education. I am a single parent and my children's father is best suited to a very peripheral role. I think it's better for my own children that he's not too big a part of their lives but I'm glad they know they have a father. I have been able to provide stability though (and love of course).

I think there is no one correct answer to your question. It depends on the mother, it depends on the father, it depends on the situation. Having a father around is not a formula for success.

[J0an0fArk]

reading your post again, is he really only allowed a FEW DAYS with you after the birth of a child? If he is allowed more and chooses not to take them, then your question could be an indication of your fears for the future??

[museumum]

It depends a lot on how you feel about it really. I loved having my Sh at home for two weeks paternity leave. It was really important to us all. I wouldnt have liked it if he'd only had a few days. If it had been totally unavoidable (eg services on deployment) i'd have coped but if I felt he was prioritising work over ds and I i'd probably have been resentful.
I don't think your young child will be able to "bond" with absent dh but hopefully will enjoy seeing him once they're old enough to understand. But it won't be quite the same relationship that children who live with their fathers full-time have.
Loads and loads of children don't live with their fathers and some don't ever know them and grow up happy and healthy individuals so your situation isn't awful for your child but it could be tough for you.

[artyoishi]

J0an, you are right. That is my huge fear for the future. However, he loves kids and I'm pretty sure he could be a good dad, even if he is absent for much of the child's life. He does most often choose work over everything else. He is desperate to provide. But I don't think he gets how much good it would be if he is around even from when the child is tiny. My intention is to go and live with him when the child is a little older and we have somewhere to live but he will still be doing long days, every day of the week (most weeks). Workaholic I think he may be.
I have always had the impression that raising kids is a two person job. No matter how much emphasis is put on to the mother the father has a huge role to play. I'm just quaking at the thought that he won't know how much life will change as he won't be about for the early months.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

From what you've said it sounds more like he's choosing to spend more time away. I echo what another poster said upthread - is he really only allowed a few days of leave when the baby is born??? Tbh at that age paternity leave is more about supporting you than bonding with the baby. This is particularly important if it is your first baby as nothing can prepare you for the emotional rollercoaster of the first few weeks. You're elated to meet your baby, you grieve for your previous life, you are overwhelmed with different feelings. I actually asked my dh to take another week off because i still felt all over the place emotionally. His presence also allowed me to recuperate after a 48hr labour. I took to motherhood quickly and relatively easily and have loved it ever since, but boy are those first few weeks tough on you. It sounds like you need to make your dh listen. Your lives are about to change beyond your imagination and he needs to support you practically. He cannot do that from a distance. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. If it helps, I think that longer term it's possible especially with modern technology allowing you to stay in touch. But if there's another way I'd encourage you to explore other options.

[Guin1]

I agree with LittleLion that just after baby is born the role of DH is more to support you than bond with the baby - esp in recovering from giving birth, providing emotional support and doing ALL housework, cooking, etc, so that your only concerns are baby and sleep. Although your parents may be able to provide this if DH is away?

I don't think you have to worry about him bonding with the baby from the very start. My DD spent so much of her first 2 months just sleeping and feeding, that DH barely had a chance to interact with her, even though he works 'normal hours'. IME the relationship between father and child starts to build when they are a few months old, and especially when they are toddlers. Try to explain to your DH that although he isn't cutting back on work now, he may need to in a year's time.

And finally, yes you are more than capable of raising DC on your own! But you won't be on your own if you have parents and friends nearby to help. And make sure you join some local baby/toddler groups for extra support and friendship.