Age appropriate ways to show my son that his life is not terrible?

[CheerfulYank]

DS is seven and a half.and has developed a terrible attitude.

According to him, everyone gets to do everything and he doesn't. I know that some of this behavior is normal, of course, and something most kids do. :) However he's been taking it to extremes and it's been ruining our weekends, to be honest. We can't plan fun days out because they inevitably end in some sort of meltdown from him. I feel like I'm constantly arguing with him, even when I try not to engage.

This constant (and it does feel constant) "it's not fair " is really getting to me and definitely getting to DH.

It doesn't matter what it is, DS compares it to his own life and suffers in comparison. We have an iPad (well it is DH's from work, but it basically lives at our house) and DS is allowed to use it. But some of his classmates have their own iPad and this isn't fair, apparently. He had a meltdown this morning because his little sister was watching Curious George on my phone and he wanted to use it. He had tears over this and slammed my door and the stairgate.

He was emptying out a box of blocks to play with and I said "when you are done, you will have to pick those up yourself without any whining" and he agreed and then played with them for awhile. When it was time to clean them up he was in tears because no one would help him and it wasn't fair and we're so mean. Again, he is SEVEN AND A HALF.

Last weekend he had what can only be described as a tantrum (tears, flinging himself around) because my cousin (who is nine) went to FL and got to go to Disney and Harry Potter World. (They don't.live near us but he saw the pictures on FB.)

We are planning to take this same trip in a few years. We don't have the money to go now and we also want toddler DD to be a little older, plus I am pregnant and don't fancy going with a tiny infant. I do understand that it's hard to see people do fun things (we never had any holidays as a kid so I do get it) but surely having a tantrum at seven and a half because you don't get to go to Florida is verging on spoiled brat territory?

We have tried what feels like everything...lots of praise, charts, being strict, ignoring, etc. But the negative attitude persists. I worry for him if he can't change it. I know people who always feel hard done by and they seem to have very unhappy lives. I don't want that for him. He is lovely in a lot of ways...he's funny and clever, and his teacher says he is kind and friendly to everyone.

It really irritates me when he talks about how hard his life is. I am obviously not going to talk to him about graphic child.abuse or anything like that, but do any of you have any resources to help me explain that some people in the world have real problems, and not having their very own iPad isn't one of them? I really don't want him to grow up with this spoiled attitude.

Thanks for listening.

[LadySybilLikesSloeGin]

Comic Relief have some clips about other children in the world on their site. These children have nothing. Some of them barely have enough food. I'd sit and watch some of the clips with him.

[squiz81]

Have you been to the library? Our local library has a section in the children's bit that has books on global issues. Maybe read them together and have a chat about how hard some people's lives are?

[sqibble]

I'd have no hesitation in introducing him to helpful historical films and also new documentaries/dramas about life abroad and here.

[LadySybilLikesSloeGin]

www.comicrelief.com/about-us/our-history/stories-and-videos There's loads online, I remember watching a documentary about people in the US living in storm drains so there's lots that you could show him which is closer to home (if you're still in the US).

[CheerfulYank]

Thank you. I will take.these suggestions on board.

I'm in near tears myself after another conversation with him. He is up in his room (DH tried to take him to a winter festival and DS enjoyed himself but when they had to leave he whined the whole way home) and I was trying to explain the "conditions of his release", for lack of a better word. All he did was interrupt me and make snotty faces and talk back.

I'm homonal but it's got me in tears. I really do love him so much but he's so hard to be around lately. I'm starting to dread the weekends when there's no school and it really shouldn't be like that. :(

[Hassled]

How aware is he of the new baby coming? Could some of this behaviour be about fear of the imminent changes?

[Mitzi50]

Life is unfair - he will have to come to term at some point that some children have more than him (and many have a lot less).

[CheerfulYank]

I agree Mitzi! I really do believe the saying about comparison being the thief of joy and I feel that the sooner he starts being a bit more positive, the better his life will be.

He's pretty aware Hassled. He was almost six when DD was born and so he gets what's going on. He is really a great big brother and dotes on her. Whenever he talks about the new baby he seems really excited, but he might be feeling nervous too. I do think that may be a part of it...since there will be such a big gap between him and the little ones I do feel like he maybe feels pushed out a bit. We try to do "big kid" stuff with just him. That's part of it too...I really feel like I am trying so, so hard with him and getting nowhere. When I was his age I would have gotten a sharp smack and that would've been the end of it!

[BlackBettyBamALam]

So sorry you're having a rough time of it, this was me a year ago. The suggestions by pp are really good.

What changed our lives was something really simple. I know you said you've already tried reward charts, this is similar. DS earns marbles - we put them in a jar at the end of each day. For everything good - getting up nicely, getting dressed, no back chat, being good at school, eating meals nicely, etc. If you encounter bad behaviour, he loses a marble. Be sure to give him the opportunity to earn more than he loses. Agree ahead of time with him what the rewards should be - extra screen time, sweet treats, special day out, whatever.

This worked for us. We used to have the constant whining and negativity, plus major meltdowns every few days. We now have a melt down maybe once a month, and he's able to control his behaviour and make better choices. I can't tell you how relieved I am this worked as I was really sceptical initially.

Hope it works out for you OP, whatever you decide to do

[APlaceInTheWinter]

The Oxfam website has age appropriate schools resources that you can download.

I'm not sure that it works as a technique. If you're feeling sorry for yourself, knowing that other people have an even worse life doesn't really make you feel better. Your DS might appreciate the stories when you're reading them but I doubt reminding him of them mid or pre meltdown will help.

You sound like you're trying really hard and I wonder if you're trying too hard. Do you get the chance to just spend some quiet, relaxing one-on-one time with your DS, cuddled up on the sofa reading or watching a favourite film? He might not want to be reminded he's the big boy. He might want to feel cossetted and like he's still your baby iyswim I know if I feel at the end of my tether with DS (and he has the ungrateful attitude too!) then a day cuddled up together can help us both to reconnect. sorry if that's stating the obvious

[LaurieFairyCake]

Don't try to talk to him too much, fine to
show the videos but no long explanations - he's too small.

For you the best thing to do is to get really good at shrugging and ignoring - you've got 10 years of 'it's not fair' to come so getting all upset this early on is going to do you in

Shrug, ignore and when a little older (like 11) say 'tough shit, life's not fair'. The more you walk away from unreasonable tantrums the better (obviously while discreetly keeping an eye on them)

[CheerfulYank]

APlace yes, he gets to cuddle every night with us and watch a bit of TV when DD is in bed. And I tuck him in every night and tell him I love him and he's my favorite boy in the world (will have to find a clever way to reword that when DS2 arrives in June ) I do try to sometimes call him my baby and tell him no matter how big he gets he'll always be my baby.

Laurie I will try to get better at walking away. He's clever and likes to save lots of his unreasonable behavior for the car as he knows I can't. :)

[LaurieFairyCake]

Turn the radio up and sing along

[CheerfulYank]

I do try to be nonchalant about it and give the "well, you'll live" response sometimes. Ugh. This parenting thing...such a delight. :o

[CheerfulYank]

Hahah Laurie I did that once! It was at home actually. The song that appeared on YouTube was "Walking in Memphis" and I belted along while he had a spectacular sobbing fit. He ended up laughing of course. :)

[Norfolkandchance1234]

All I can say is after my DD and DS got their own tablets for Christmas the house has been far more harmonious. Esp now I get use mine to myself

[CliveCussler]

Just don't get into it with him. If he doesn't like the rules, tough. Let him scream and holler, ignore as best you can and don't discuss.

Maybe when he's completely calm, later on, have a conversation about his behavior and why it was unacceptable.

In the car, just pull over as soon as its safe. Wait it out and don't drive or talk to him until he's calm. You might be late once or twice, but the message WILL get through. If you're going somewhere that's beneficial for him. Just turn round and go home. You're not taking him anywhere that he likes if he behaves badly in the car. Stick to this.

[Artistic]

My DD once asked me if we could donate money to a charity. Apparently one of her friends was doing this & she felt she should too. To encourage her sentiment I signed us up for a nominal monthly donation to 'save the children'. They regularly send us newsletters of progress & also to ask for money towards specific projects. By reading these newsletters DD (7 & 1/2) has developed a sense of how poor some children are & happy that we are making a difference. Doesn't make her any less a typical 7 1/2 but she now knows that being hungry is a real thing & not having clean water is a real thing and so we mustn't waste etc. I didn't do this deliberately but am glad to see her living with her eyes open. She still does sometimes want special things etc - which is normal for her age.

Perhaps you could look up their website & see if you could involve your DS?

[Peony58890]

I would probably pull over and sit in silence, except to say 'your behaviour is very distracting to my driving. We will start driving again when you are behaving'

Wait it out seriously. Be very boring and quiet. Have a book to hand

[APlaceInTheWinter]

Turn the radio up and sing along
Laurie this is the tactic I use too. One attempt to explain why we are doing whatever is upsetting him and then the radio goes up and I start singing whilst trying to ignore the little grumpy face in the mirror .

[geekymommy]

I might focus on the behaviour and not on the feelings. The problem for you is not what he is feeling, it's what he is saying and doing. If he feels that his life is difficult and bad, there may not be much he can do about that. He can change how he is acting. (This may in time change how he feels, but focus on the behaviour that he is in conscious control of) It can be very frustrating for a kid to be told to change how he feels or what he thinks, since he can't consciously control what he thinks or feels (neither can adults- try not to think of a white bear). But he does control what he does and says.

What were the consequences for him of whining about cleaning up the blocks when he said he wouldn't?

Is there any kind of system for who gets your phone when, or how long one of them can use the phone?

Did this start when you got pregnant, or when DD was born? It might have something to do with that.

Did you tell him that you do understand that it's hard to see other people doing fun things and not be able to do them yourself?

[clickcrackclunk]

I use some of the tactics from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen... when the dc start demanding stuff that I can't/don't want to give them.

Acknowledging their feelings (it doesn't seem fair when others can do things that we can't) and indulging in fantasy (what would it be like if we did go to Florida) works surprisingly well in heading off the circular 'I want to do this...', 'well you can't...', 'but I want to...' etc.

[worldgonecrazy]

We sponsor a child and DD gets to write her letters, and we talk about the life that the child has and why some children need sponsors.