Problems with older sibling jealousy 3.4yo & 11mo

[99redballoons]

Hi I have a ds 3.4yo and dd 11mo. Generally ds is very caring of his sister, gets her toys, keeps an eye on things she picks up, is very loving etc, but there are other times when he sqeezes her hands, stomps on her hands or feet, always wants to play with what she just started playing with, pushes her etc. When analysing it he does seem to do it when he doesn't think I'll notice, the hurting that is. I can be in the same room with my back turned. Snatching doesn't happen all the time, but usually a few times a day. I try hard not to leave them alone together, but he's now 'interfering' with her when she's in her playpen, which is where she plays when I leave the room to get a drink or whatever, or if I want to play just with ds for a short while. I try not to let her trample or snatch his toys too and make a point of saying, no your brother is playing with that, so I come across as fair. Ofcourse I realise a 3yo probably has no concept of this, but you can but try!

I really don't know what to do anymore. I have tried saying once, that's not nice don't do it agian, then on second time a warning he'll go to his room if he does it again. There is always a third time and he goes to his room. There's been no change in his behaviour for months so the last week or so I've said to him in the morning that he can show me what a good boy he's going to be today, no hurting his sister otherwise he'll go straight to his room without question. Some days that works and he really tries hard, verbally says "I haven't hurt dd today", but other days I find I put him in his room 3-4 times.

Was thinking of a star chart, he loves! stickers, but didn't think it was the right approach for hurting someone. It needs tougher discipline. He has had the odd smack on the hand when he's hurt her badly, but I don't really want to go down that route. Taking toys away makes no difference either. I do try to spend atleast an hour a day, sometimes broken up, playing exclusively with ds, lots of praising etc.

Please can someone give me some words of wisdom? I feel dh and mil ganging up on me saying I'm too hard on ds, but this behaviour needs to be curbed, It's just been bad luck lately that they've witnessed me putting him on the step/bedroom quite a bit recently. Judging me (!) on those moments and not on all the lovely [unseen] times in between. I feel so upset atm. Heeeeellllllppppp!

[Amaretto]

I have a 3.1 year old and a 16 months old so Iam in a similar situation than you but a few months ahead.
And I have similar reactions from ds1 AND ds2. Snatching the toy, interfering, hitting (ds2 on ds1 not the either way aound though) etc...
I think there are things you have to accept as 'part of the game' : ruff play is one of them as always being interrested by the toy that the other one has! I wouldn't call it jealousy as such. I think that both don't have the maturity to explain what they want and find alternative ways by themselves. My way around it :

• I leave them playing ruff. Te only rule is that it has to stop if one of them start to cry/shout. I explain to ds1 that it means that ds2 doesn't find it nice anymore so he has to take that into consideration.
• I insist of a lot on 'taking turns' like 'Now this is ds1 turn to read with mummy' as often as I can so that both get the idea of it means. Then apply it to play with toys. 'Thats' ds2 turn. When he has finished, it wil be your turn'
• Show the DC other ways to solve a conflict than screaming like exchanging toys or playing together.
• Praise, Praise, Praise when any one of them does any of these thing.
• For hitting etc.., take the attention away fo the 'hitter' to the one of that been hit. Give him lots of cuddles saying 'Really what ds2 did to you wasn't nice at all, was it? You shoud never hit...'

As for been interrested in the toy that he other have ... not a lot of advice. I don't think you can avoid that. Youcan insist on taking turns, exchanging orsitting down with them and play together (That's what I do when ds1 wants to play a game too complicated fo ds2. I try to ave ds2 still invloved but at his own level and with my help)
As they get older, you wil see that they will be abe to play together more and that is really rewarding!

[99redballoons]

Hi Amaretto, thanks for the comments. I do do alot of what you say and try to let them play together, insisting on taking turns. I guess that's not the real issue, just a side of it, where it's hard not to be negative to ds when he's the one that interrupted dd's play with something.

I guess the really 'jealousy' that I'm talking about is his blatant hurting of her when my back is turned. He knows that if he squeezes her hand really tightly it will leave marks and make her cry. He knows if he prys her fingers off whatever she's holding onto for support (she can 'cruise' but not walk yet) she will fall and whack her head on something. He knows if he bites her finger it will hurt (he hasn't bitten for a month or so now, but there was a time it happened weekly).

I try not to give him attention when this happens, barrate him, put him either on the bottom stair or straight to his room depending on what he's done, and leave him for 3 mins. He 9/10 times says sorry and knows exactly what he's done. I guess all of this is some sort of attention in itself, but I just can't bring myself to 'ignore' this and just distract him. Pushing her over when he wants her toy is just one of the things. I really think it's an 'attention' thing, which is why I think it's jealousy.

[ballbaby]

I have a 3.9 yo and a 14 mo and have had similar problems - I think it is totally natural and you sound like you're doing exactly the right things - much better than me as I find it really hard to keep my temper when ds1 hurts ds2 - then hate myself if I lose it and shout and scream. But have found that as they are getting older ds1 is learning and ds2 is becoming much more interesting for him and they are really enjoying each others company. Yes there is some crying but there's a lot of laughter too and it's lovely to watch them.

Stick to your guns but watch out for being unfair on the older one - I find myself saying "share" when the baby wants the older ones toy and "don't snatch" when it's the other way round - he can't win sometimes!

Amaretto your advice sounds excellent - will try it myself! Especially the hitter/hittee bit - not tried that one yet.

[Amaretto]

99redballoons, I didn't mean 'ignore' as such but a very tell off 'No, you don't bite people' and then concentrating on your dd.
I think it is also giving him a very important lesson : the most important person is the one that has been hurt not the one who has hurt someboddy.
As you rightly said, he is probably trying to get your attention which is why it is happening when you are not in the room. So if you put hm in time out, I would stay very brief, (perhaps again just 'No you don't bite' and then putting him in time out wo saying anythingelse?) but going over the top with your dd. He WILL hear it and get the message.

[99redballoons]

Thanks again Amaretto. Will try that.

Ballbaby... I don't remember saying I don't lose my temper! I'm afraid I'm guilty of that more often than not these days. But since posting this I've really tried to keep calm with ds. I know when I shout it just makes things worse, but sometimes when you're calm for everything else that's going on in the day I seem to snap when it comes to physical hurting of dd. I will keep an eye on the share/snatch thing too as I may have been doign that.

Thanks again.

[99redballoons]

Forgot to say that since being more calm with ds and explaining things briefly about hurting his sister, the last two days in the morning he's said "I'm not going to hurt dd today" and I praise him lots. Have also been picking up on lots of little 'good boy' things he's been doing too. This morning for the first time he went over to their favourite toy and said "I will play with this for 2 minutes and then it's dd's turn" I was gobsmacked! And he kept to his word! Picked up a tip about using the oven timer for sharing on the 'flylady' thread under the Good Housekeeping section, and he even said "Set the timer for 2mins mummy." !!! He was happy for dd to play with it when it beeped

[ballbaby]

That's superb! See - you are doing the right things! I always think the funny(?!) thing about parenting is that you sometimes think that your kids aren't growing up the way you're trying to bring them up, but then they have a good day and you think - it is working after all - it's just taking time. At least I hope that's the case - will let you know when they are in their teens when the big problems might start!

[99redballoons]

Lol ballbaby and thanks again for your help