Not sure I want another baby

[Siennasun]

I've told DH that we can ttc for 6 months but not sure I really want a DC2. DS1 is nearly 2. I'm swinging from being really excited at thought of potential new pregnancy to being really worried about it. I'm mid 30s with fertility issues so it's really now or never.

Pros:
DH really, really wants another baby (and has mentioned it everyday for months)
I loved being pregnant and feel a bit sad at the thought of not doing it again
We had a great summer holiday hiring a big house with 3 other families with 5 preschoolers. I think DS had the best week of his life. It'd be nice for him to have a close sibling.
I would love another year of mat leave. I like being home with kids, play dates, toddler groups, etc.

Cons:
Next pregnancy/ recovery from c-section may be a lot harder than first and I'd also have a toddler to look after. I'm not sure I'd cope.
Also not sure I could cope with toddler and a baby on my own full-time (DS works away every week)
I grew up without siblings and never suffered. DC might end up fighting all the time.
We never seem to have any money despite high household income (mainly from DS). I really want to quit my very stressful and not especially well-paid job and do something for a lower salary but more enjoyable. I don't think I could afford to if we have another child.
It sounds shallow but I'm worried about what a second pregnancy would do to my body. Apart from CS scar and a slightly wobblier belly I look the same as I did before DS but I'm older now.

Sorry this is really long. I don't want to talk to anyone in rl about it and just need to get it straight in my head. If anyone's got through reading all that and has been in a similar position or has any advice I'd love to hear it.

[Molotov]

Sienna, I have 2 dds (aged 5yo and 2yo) with mixed feelings about having a third child. Like your DH, my DH wants another but I keep wrestling with the pros and cons.

Similar to you, we had fertility issues (unexplained secondary infertility) and dd2 took 2 years and six cycles of clomid to conceive.

Anyway, I can offer some perspective on certain parts of your dilemma. It sounds like it's the pregnancy/birth bit that is a main in putting you off. I can't really answer about the CS (I have had one for dd2 ans my body recovered well) but I don't think it's 'right' to let that put you off having a baby you both potentially want - and giving your 2yo a sibling.

Try to figure out if this is a root to putting you off. It is for me, but my situation is different in that 'giving' dd1 a sibling is not in the equation this time. I just knew for dc2 that I had to have another baby.

Re. coping with a newborn and a toddler: it is possible but in my opinion, you need support for the first 3-4 weeks I.e. someone being around to help.

My dd1 was 3.2yo when dd2 arrived. DH had a week off before the birth and one week after; my DM spent week 2 with us and DMIL spent week 3 with us, popping in and out on week 4. I was on my own from week 5 and it was fine, although I took it easy until about week 12 (no heavy lifting, no running around the park or hulking dd1 in and out of swings, etc).

[Molotov]

Money is important, but if you really do want another baby and fear of the future is masking this want, then the want for a child outweighs the want for working p/t.

[Molotov]

My dds argue and squabble and sometimes I would like to hide in the cupboard under the stairs But when they kiss, cuddle and chatter to each other it is divine. The arguments pale into insignificance when I tuck them both up in bed at night.

But only you can make this decision. I think you need to think about your attitudes re. lifestyle and pg/CS and whether you actually picture holding another baby in your arms - and whether you want to, or if you're allowing the other stuff to mask your real feelings.

[dottypyjamas]

I'm feeling the same really - I swing from thinking that 1 is just perfect (dd is 16 months) and that life is a great balance at the moment, working part time 'n a job I love and then time to spend with my lovely dd. we've got enough money to live comfortably despite horrific nursery fees and a mortgage which is about to go up and I hated pregnancy and have my body back now...to thinking that our family isn't quite complete somehow.

That was a total ramble but just to say you're not on your own, my dp is totally committed to having another and I'm just not sure - nursery fees mean that it won't (can't!) happen for a couple of years anyway I think - but by then we'll be totally out of the baby stage and will I want to go back to it? Argh!

This has been really quite therapeutic, thanks op

[Siennasun]

Hi Molotov.
Thanks so much for your responses. It's given me a lot to think about. I think you summed it up in the last paragraph. I need to figure out if I really do want another baby. If I do I think all the other stuff will fall into place.
I'm really not sure.
I think I'm also worried because i do feel like DH was not very helpful immediately after DS was born tho, to be fair to him he is much more hands on now.
Good luck with your decision about DC3!

[Siennasun]

Hi Dotty

That's exactly how I feel - everything is good at the moment so why change it but then I have that nagging doubt that if I don't at least try for another I might regret it. I get asked at least once a week when I'll be having next baby, which doesn't really help.

I did find writing it out really therapeutic too