4yo DS hitting at at school

[daisygatsby]

DS is 4 and a half and started school this year. Twice already the teacher has spoken to me - once abt an incidence of biting , and then today he told me that 2 or 3 times this week he has got into little fights at playtime , with some hitting an another incidence of biting.

Last night DS started crying at bedtime saying everyone thought he was bad because he was hitting. at this time I wasnt aware what had been going on at school. I said he should stop hitting if that was the case and he said he couldnt. he was sobbing.

He is a very physical and emotional child. we have always had problems with him hitting us and obv always reinforced the message of how its wrong to hit and he has had various punishments.

I feel so upset about this: i dont know how to get him to stop doing it. there is no malice in what hes doing really and he doesnt want to hurt anyone , it really is like he can control it

please does anyone have any thought on how to approach this

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

So sorry for you both on this. What did the teacher suggest as a way of moving forward?

[daisygatsby]

thanks for replying.

the teacher said he had put him on the 'thinking chair' and that afterwards ds had come and explained to him about what he had done wrong etc. he just advised that i have a word with him abt it. ds was in a creche prior to going to school as i work FT and he didnt have any real problems there, the occasional incident maybe.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Did the teacher say why he thought he was hitting? Is he tired or hungry? Is a child being aggressive? Is it finding it harder being in a larger group?

[daisygatsby]

no..he did say he knows there is no 'badness' in it...hes eating loads and getting plenty of sleep.

it is very early days in school i suppose, maybe he is just finding the adjustment hard. just given that he does have history of hitting im worried, and also concernced that he will get labelled as naughty at this early stage.

ive just looked back on an old thread where a poster was having similar trouble and a lot of people were saying not to punish the child at home for something done at school. dont know what to think abuot that

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Sounds like he's having a tough time. I wouldn't punish a child at home either for something like that. Make sure he has lots of relaxing activities and some good quality time with you or DS.

[littlesupersparks]

At my library they have loads of story books about 'issues' there might be something? Or there must be some regular story books about characters who hit out and are ok in the end? I'm sure you've already tried it but I would try to talk to my son about different ways of dealing with things, perhaps with emotion cards/drawings and possible actions - like a role play? But I wouldn't 'punish' at home. Xxx

[daisygatsby]

thankyou - will just have a little chat and lots of cuddles then this weekend

[Sophie54321]

I had the exact same problem with dd in reception year, she's now in yr 1, I purchased a book off amazon called hands are not for hitting and the teacher read it to the class as a whole. It seemed to help a little. But to be honest after the 6 weeks holidays she seems to have calmed down I'm hoping it's something that settles as she matures. She has had 1 incident within 2 weeks as opposed to numerous each day. Her teacher has made her her own chart with a happy and sad face and if my dd feels that she is getting angry she can go and get the relevant face, show her teacher and she's allowed some time out. I know it's really horrible but I know how you feel x

[elephanteraser]

my ds was like this, didn't know how to channel his anger, so i did enrol him to tae kwan do, and he's now a black belt! i think my son was just not ready for school and couldn't find a way to express it.

at the time i did use a behaviour chart which did help

[daisygatsby]

update - so ive been called in for a meeting with the teacher tomorrow ; dreading it.

[Doodledot]

It will pass - work with them

[Doodledot]

Been there - and so have the teachers ...

[IsItMeOr]

Been there too last year.

Work with the teachers.

Don't make the mistake we did and try to incentivise behaviour at school using a chart/rewards at home.

The school will do things, and advise you to do things, that will work with most DCs.

If you DS is one of the smaller group who doesn't respond to the standard techniques, then they will advise you on next steps.

It's really hard being the parent of "that" child. Keep coming back here for more support if you need it.

[Doodledot]

Daisy good luck for today. Stay positive. In our case keeping DD busy was key - teacher have her jobs to do and made sure she began to control her emotions and felt involved and in control. She is very highly strung and when excited and nervous, lashed out inappropriately

[daisygatsby]

So I had the chat.
Its mainly a problem during playtime in the yard or free play in the classroom. He just lashes out. Hes a very energetic and full on character and its very difficult to get him to slow down and take a breath. They do 'thinking chair' and he is excluded from free play and stuff. he knows what hes doing his wrong but just cant control his emotions. Its every day.
the teacher is mainly worried about how this might affect his interactions with the others in the class eventually.

Im not going to punish him at home for this as advised upthread. just try and be supportive of him and get control of his emotions. I dont want to be constantly at him about it either.

if anyone can advise of a story book i could read with him , that would be much appreciated.

[Doodledot]

Great news and at least it's in the playground and he is able to control himself in the classroom. I don't know if books but sure others will. I also get mine to cycle / run to school and get there early to run around before the bell to try and get rid of excess energy

[daisygatsby]

I just bought a book called 'calm down and work through anger' or something (??!) which got good reviews on amazon.

he scoots into school, and is really happy going in so thats a good thing i think.

hes a march birthday and the school has a cut off for admissions of march 31st so he is one of the youngest. i think he is just struggling a little emotionally rather than being malicious (if a 4yrd old can be malicious!)

thanks for your support doodle

[Doodledot]

Hope it's useful. I dont think 4 year olds are malicious - they are still babies really, finding their way in the world. It's just worrying when you are the parent that gets tapped on the shoulder to speak to the teacher

[IsItMeOr]

This book seemed quite good to me.

Can't really comment on how helpful it is, as it turns out DS has ASD, so he has a bit of a longer journey than average to go on with learning to manage his frustration.

We also have No Matter Whate, The Huge Bag of Worries, How to Be a Friend, and Have you Filled a Bucket Today. All good imo.

[daisygatsby]

thanls isitme that was another one that came up on my google search!