Age gap between first and second child?

[sianny78]

So this is a fairly well-timed post considering this morning's news about the Duchess of Cambridge being pregnant again! I was wondering what age gaps people had between their first and second children? I'm starting to think about number 2, the timing being driven mostly by work/financial constraints, but I'm nervous about how I'll cope with a second. This wasn't helped by some Facebook posts and an email from a friend of mine who had her second 5 months ago when her first was then 18 months old. This is a very good friend of mine who's opinion I greatly value but I don't know if she's just having a particularly bad experience or if it's the kind of thing that you should expect. Your stories, good and bad, would be appreciated!

[Middleagedmotheroftwo]

20 months between my DDs. Perfect in my opinion. They could both have same bath/bed times, have same bedtime stories, share toys and other interests etc etc. We treated them as if they were the same age really - neither ever seemed to notice or complain until they got to mid-teens.

[sianny78]

That's great, but how about when your second was a newborn? They wouldn't have been in the same routine then. How did the eldest cope with the new arrival?

[TinyTear]

Age gaps are not something you can plan as most people don't fall pregnant as soon as they try and then there are other issues... any age gap is good and it is what you make of it.

[Nocturne123]

Mine are almost 16 months apart . Ds is only 4 days old . Dd has coped really well so far . Probably because she doesn't really know what's going on .

We're still in the newborn sleeping loads during the day phase so I imagine when ds wakes up a bit more we'll have more to contend with

[EvilHerbivore]

29 months between DS1 and DS2, as with all age gaps there are some positives and negatives ; one positive was that DS1s understanding was better so we could say "I'll play with you in 5 minutes when the baby has finished feeding" and he'd be okay but he had dropped his nap so there was no "off time" where they would both sleep during the day

Now he is 3.8 and ds2 is 15 months and they adore and fight with each other

[Bicnod]

Gap between DS1 and DS2 is 2 years and 3 months. It was much MUCH easier than I thought it would be in the early days as I just fed DS2 while doing stories/bedtime routine with DS1 when he was a newborn and when he got a bit older he joined in with bathtime but then I put DS1 to bed first and DS2 stayed up with me for a bit longer and cluster fed.

Plus points of a small age gap are that now they are 3 and 5 they play brilliantly together and are into similar things. Also, we had lots of time together doing fun stuff as a gang before DS1 started school. Minus points, they were both in nappies for a while and potty training DS1 while DS2 was a baby was a bit of a pain. Having them both at home full time was quite knackering, but the school run is more of a bind to be honest.

I'm due DC3 in December and the gap between DC2 and DC3 will be 3 years and 5 months which I think will be a whole lot easier as DS2 is toilet trained and starting pre-school so will have lots of time alone with new baby, but will miss having the other two around.

Lots of conflicting opinions there - sorry!

[TravellingToad]

20 months here, currently 7m and 27m

I love it, would highly recommend. Same bedtime, both easy to entertain together, toddler absolutely adores baby and we were already in the swing of nappies/early mornings etc so one more made no difference.

[jimijack]

10 years between mine.

Not out of choice, it's wonderful though, just wonderful

[Purpleflamingos]

20 months between mine. Now 5 and 3 and its a breeze (most of the time).

[loudarts]

11 1/2 months between dd and ds, dd2 was born the day before ds 1st birthday.

[PicnicPie]

18 months between my two DDs. DD2 is 8 weeks old and just fits in around DD1 (20 months). Love the age gap as although it can be a struggle some days, on the whole it is fine. As soon as DD2 can sit and is a bit older i will get her into same bedtime routine as at the moment DH does bedtime fir DD1 whilst I rest/breastfeed (usually cluster feeding) and then DD2 will come to bed at around 10pm with us.

I was really worried about how I was going to cope but to be honest it's been fine and as of last week I've been venturing out with the double buggy and getting stuck into play groups again. I'm really looking forward to both of them being able to enjoy things together and play with each other. Oh and DD1 is not jealous at all. She's so busy in her own little world and she's quite independent so doesn't need lots of mummy attention all the time.

[sianny78]

Thanks everyone. I'm at least somewhat reassured by most of your stories! My friends youngest, even at 5 months, is not sleeping very well at all (FB post the other day was that she'd been up since 2.50am having been up 3 times already in the night). So perhaps this has jaded her opinion of relatively close age gaps!
And, as TinyTear said, I'm well aware that you can't always pick when you fall pregnant - it took us almost a year the first time. But you can choose when to start trying & so increase your chances of it happening when you'd like

[JoandMax]

19 months between mine and it's great! They're 4.5 and 6 now and it's really easy, similar interests, same bedtimes etc

When DS2 was tiny he was in a sling a lot so we just carried on as normal really. I had a bouncy chair upstairs so could put him in there while I sorted DS1. DS1 didn't seem bothered by him at all, he was fairly uninterested really!!

The only hard thing was I couldn't explain to DS1 why I was leaving him to go to hospital with DS2 (frequent visits) as he was too young to understand. To be honest though he was fine but I felt horrendously guilty but thats a very rare situation and fortunately not one most people have to worry about.

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

We planned for around 2.5 year age gap but ended up with just over 3.5 years between them as it took a while. So it is a bigger age gap than we would have ideally liked but at the same time it is perfect. My DS is a wonderful big brother and is very protective of his little sister and really looks after her. I think we are very lucky that they get along brilliantly and have never really had jealousy issues and the only thing they squabble over is the TV remote! They are almost 6 and 2 now though so there's still time!

I have to admit I found the adjustment to being a mum of one to a mum of two very difficult. I found my DD quite a difficult baby in the first 6 months as she never slept during the day for longer than 15mins and spent most of her awake time screaming because she was really overtired. This meant I could not give my DS any one-on-one time...I had kind of banked on being able to spend some good quality time with him while baby DD slept. But she didn't and my DS found that hard, as did I.

But as with first baby, the first 3 months are the hardest because they are quite unsettled (or mine were anyway!), no routine, feeding almost constantly and I just felt that I had no control and was winging it every day. Months 3-6 were hard with two but slightly improved from the first 3 months. And after 6 months things got easier...I felt 'I can do this now' and more often than not I seemed to have 2 happy children rather than the 2 really unhappy children I had in the first 6 months!

And now it's lovely. At the weekend I went into DD's room to find them sitting on the chair having a cuddle. DS looked up at me and said "Mummy, me and [DSis] are going to be best friends forever". It melted my heart

[Paloma12]

25 months - it's a gorgeous age gap

[Middleagedmotheroftwo]

It was hard when they were both tiny, I'll admint. DD2 helped us get everything ready for the new baby, and used to "help" me with DD1 by being in charge of bringing me nappies, putting cream on DD1's bum etc. She would chose what DD1 wore each day too. We never had any problems with jealousy etc.

They were both in the same bedroom from quite early on - they never woke each other up in the middle of the night when one had a bad dream or whatever.

The hardest bit was getting out and about. I either had one in a backpack thingy, and one in a pram, or one in a sling on my tummy and the other in the pushchair.

[sianny78]

CoffeeChocolateWine, that's a lovely ending to your story! But sorry you had a hard time of things in the run up. That actually sounds a lot like my friend's situation with the horrendous sleep and lack of contact with her eldest child (her husband ends up looking after him as she is bf'ing her baby). Perhaps I'll tell her that things may improve after 6 months Also goes to show that similar issues can arise no matter what the age gap and, had she had the same child a year or more down the line (like she's now saying she wished she'd waited), she may have ended up in pretty much the same situation. It's all a great unknown!

[moomin35]

Why was her issue with it sianny78?

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Yes, I would say 6 months was a big turning point for me. DD was actually sleeping through the night from 5 weeks old so I was the envy of my other mum friends, but it was because she didn't sleep at all during the day and she would eventually conk out from sheer exhaustion and get all her sleep in one go at night. What I wouldn't have given to have a baby that napped reasonably during the day even if it meant broken nights...I was just desperate to have some precious time with DS. It was similar to your friend though...DH looked after DS, I looked after DD.

I think you are right though, I don't think her waiting another year would have been the answer. She'd just be going through the same thing a year down the line...but instead in a year's time (or hopefully sooner!) she'll be feeling relieved that she's got through the worst and be thinking, thank goodness I'm not still going through all that!

I look at my two now and it's brilliant most of the time...we have challenging days because, well, I have a 2yo, but that really difficult stage seems a distant memory now. And I'm sure it will for your friend too. But that said, I'm never having another one!

[Waterfalls11]

Exactly 3 years between mine and although it's early days (ds2 is 2 months) so far it's been great. For practical reasons ds1 has finished with his cot, buggy, high chair etc so we don't have those costs.

Ds1 toilet trained at 2.5 so he is out of the nappy stage.

Ds1 is in nursery part time so I have time with ds2 alone. Ds1 will be in school full time when I go back to work so childcare costs will be less.

Ds1 still has his nap so I have a break in the afternoon as well.

Ds1 is able to help out and fetch things for me. He also understands when I need him to wait a short time. There hasn't been much jealousy yet, he is very proud of his brother and is usually gentle (still needs to be fully supervised around him however).

I can't comment on shared interests but am hopeful that there will be some shared common interests as they grow up and the gap won't be too large for this. Hopefully this will be helped by them both being boys.

Ds2 has been a very easy baby so far, so we have been lucky with that. (Although I did have the contingency plan to increase nursery time if ds2 was very difficult).

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Tbh they probably all have their pluses and negatives - close age id imagine hard in the early years then a breeze once they are bot school age (in terms of interests, toys, timings etc)

Bigger gap may make it easier to focus on each child individually in the early days but can maybe be a challenge when they grow and have separate interests, clubs, friends etc.

Dc2 (boy) will arrive when dd is 2y and 10m and I am nervous about how she will take it but it will be what it will be

[hollie84]

Everyone I know who has had a small age gap (under 2.5 years) has had a pretty hellish first year or so. But I guess will be easier once they are older.

Those with 3-5 year gaps have had a much easier time in terms of jealousy, meeting everyone's needs, enjoying the baby etc - but the children may be less likely to play together and have similar interests when older.

[carolinemoon]

Exactly 2 years between ours, I found it tough at first but then I don't cope well with the newborn stage. Now they are 3 and 5 it was all worth it, they play so well together.

[halfdrunkcoffee]

I have about 25 months between my two. I probably would have preferred a slightly bigger gap, but I got pregnant second time round sooner than expected. Anyway, I wouldn't change it now as then I wouldn't have DD.
It was hard in the early stages; I had two in nappies, DS still needed a lot of attention and was sometimes resentful when I had to feed or hold his baby sister. I felt I couldn't give either of them enough attention.

It is now working out quite well as DS is much more independent at playgrounds so needs less help. I get some time with DD when he's at nursery. Having two relatively close together is probably harder in the early days and easier when they are older and can do similar activities. However, as is often the case, it is very much a personal decision and you can't always time things perfectly. DH's sister is six years younger than him and they have always been very close.