My son is scared.

[Lucyccfc]

Hi everyone

Just looking for some advice please.

My DS is 9 and has always been a little bit of a worrier, however he seems to have gotten worse over the last few months. He hates going to bed on his own, hates sleeping in his own room and will call downstairs to me over the slightest little thing. I used to go up and see him and talk things through, but that didn't seem to improve the situation.

I then started getting a bit stricter and telling him to only shout down if he was I'll. that didn't work either.

Last night, he came down stairs in floods of tears, saying he was scared. We had a cuddle and I asked him what he was scared about. He said he was scared that something would happen to me. He was scared that someone was going to come in the house and hurt me or take me away. We had a chat about what we could do so that he wasn't so scared. We have agreed that he will come round with me each night and check all the windows and doors were locked. He said that he wants us to go to bed, at the same time, in my bed, which just isn't practical. When he is in bed, I do the ironing, bits of cleaning, Uni work etc. I said that he could sleep in my bed for the next few nights to see if that made him feel less scared.

Does anyone have any other suggestions of things that I can do to help him feel more secure? (he still has a cuddly toy in bed).

Many thanks

[wheresthelight]

has he been watching films he shouldn't have at friend's/family/dad's (you don't mention him so assuming separated apologies if not) or has something happened to a friend's parent or another family member?

it is possible it is just attention seeking gone hyper but I would rule out other things first.

can you try a nightlight maybe?

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

Lucy I don't have kids so not sure how much help I can be but I was looking for a gift for friends' kids and came across these. I thought they were a super cute idea.

www.firebox.com/product/6342/Sorgenfresser-Worry-Eaters

I was a very anxious child and I had Guatemalan worry dolls which are a similar principle and I think that helped a bit.

Hope he feels better soon, poor little stick.

[Lucyccfc]

Wheresthelight - you are correct, I am divorced. He stays at his Dads every other weekend and I am quite sure he hasn't been watching anything in-suitable or scary. DS is very black and white about things and quite rules orientated. If he comes home and I haven't turned the tv over, he will tell me to do it 'because that programme is not suitable for kids'. He never watches or listens to the news and told me off for buying a 12 DVD the other week.

He has a night light, but I do suspect some of it is attention seeking, but ignoring it or being strict about when he got out of bed or shouted me made him worry even more.

CabbagepatchCheryl - I love the idea of the worry eater. I'm going to order one. Thank you.

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

You're welcome.

I think you're doing the right thing. When I was little, if I was scared and my mum and dad seemed annoyed or minimised it, it made me worse. Dad used to just talk it out with me and try to make me see that what I was worrying about just wasn't going to happen.

I am sure this little phase will pass soon.

(FWIW I am 35 and I still have the odd period of irrationally worrying that something will happen to someone I love. It's invariably linked to some other sort of stress that's happening in my life and once that other stress goes, the "oh my god what if DH is in a car crash and dies" goes too. If that makes sense.)

[corkgirlindublin]

I think you should love bomb him. Just be really available when he needs you. If that means lying beside him in bed till he doesn't feel scared anymore you should do that. His brain is still developing and for some reason he feels ill at ease. You can't make him feel different by ignoring it or giving out to him for feeling that way. I think acknowledging it, allowing him to feel it, and working on strategies will be far more effective long term.

I'm linking a couple of David Coleman articles. He's an irish child psychologist. I love his attitude to parenting. Neither are exact replicas of your situation but there are good ideas in both.

www.independent.ie/life/family/mothers-babies/family-life-how-can-i-make-my-12yearold-feel-safe-in-her-own-bedroom-26733120.html

www.independent.ie/life/family/mothers-babies/how-can-i-help-my-child-get-over-our-recent-breakin-26821652.html

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Maybe DS has been trying to assume a parent role and thinks he should somehow be your protector, even though he knows and trusts you are 100% in control. I only say this because a friend was baffled by her son's sudden insistence on her unplugging electrical devices at bedtime and locking every possible door and window. Turned out her DM had made a simple well-meant comment to her grandson along the lines of, daddy's gone so you'll have to be the man of the house now, which spooked him.

[Selks]

Please don't do checking things as a way of managing the anxiety - that is potentially really unhealthy and could actually increase anxiety.
Instead look into general ways of helping him manage his worry, help him realise and identify that when he is anxious he is just having those 'silly worry thoughts' again, and when they occur for him to challenge them with calming realistic thoughts.
There are some good age appropriate books on amazon that can help children manage worry, such as The Huge Book of Worries, and could be read with your DS.

[Lucyccfc]

Some fantastic advice - thank you.

He does see himself as the 'man of the house', he has said that himself.

I'll have a read of the links and look up the book on Amazon.

I think I will also spend a bit more time with him when he is lay in bed and just have some cuddles or a chat if he is worried.

[Septbaby]

Poor little guy, I remember going through something similar when I was younger (parents also divorced) for example when stayed at dads would sleep facing the direction I thought home was (where my mum was) also silly things like when my younger sister decided to eat some of the silica crystals out of a damp collector I had to do the same to make sure she was going to be ok. I think it probably had something to do with mum, sister and me being such a tight knit little unit that I wanted to protect them all... Maybe try talking to him about how he's feeling at a point when he's not feeling anxious, maybe just casually whilst doing something pleasant together, and just see what comes out of the conversation. I grew out of it and have become a reasonablywell balanced adult, hope it passes for you both soon xx

[Selks]

Him saying he sees himself as 'man of the house' is an indication that he maybe feels overly responsible, albeit subconsciously, causing him to worry about safety, risk of burglars etc etc. I think you might need to reassert your role as parent and guardian of the family, the one who takes care of family safety - making sure doors are locked etc - in his eyes. Just quietly assert your position in this and take this sense of responsibility off him....where has he got this 'man of the house' idea from?

[Selks]

The other thing to consider is whether the contact arrangements are unsettling for him in any way...has anything caused him to worry about your well being when he is at his Dads? Does he have any worries when he is there? Gently helping him express and explore his feelings about this might show up any underlying worries that might be involved.

[marne2]

My dd1 is the same though she does have Aspergers and thinks way too much, we have used worry dolls in the past and have tried writing her worries down and posting them into a worry box ( so the worries are in the box and out of her head ). Last night she was crying for an hour or so, I think the start of the new school term is making her extra anxious, sometimes she just looks for things to worry about ( death, making friends, he computer breaking etc...etc.. ).

[Lucyccfc]

Selks - I'm not sure where he got the idea about being the man of the house from. He is quite a sensitive young man, but likes to be seen as tough and grown up. I did the locking up tonight and just made a quiet point of me doing it as it's my job as the grown up.

There has been no change in routine. He says that he feels ok at his Dads because his Dad has a flat and when he goes to bed, he knows his Dad is in the next room.

I spent some time having a cuddle with him in bed and we chatted about his day at school and him seeing all his friends. I kept the conversation light and cheerful. Although he was in my bed, he was calmer and went off to sleep no problem.

Marne2 - my DS also worries about everything - death, car crashes, him getting kidnapped etc etc. I have wondered for the past 12 months if there is something else going on. He is exceptionally bright, but struggles to concentrate sometimes and drives his teacher (and me) mad by making silly noises and fidgeting. He talks too much in class and finds it difficult to stop and then gets upset when he comes home because he has had his name written on the board. He's probably just a typical 9 year old and I read too much into things.

He has admitted to having 'strange thoughts' about people. He will look really ashamed and tell me that he saw a black person and the word n@@ger will come into his head or he will see someone with a disability and the word m@&g will pop into his head. He knows these are not nice words, but he has said that he can't help thinking them. He never says them out loud. I have suggested that he thinks of a different word to replace it with like 'fluffy bunny'.

Septbaby - he talks about it just being 'me and him' as a team. Luckily, I am very happy being single, as I don't think he would react well to me having a DP. I like your idea of talking to him when he is not feeling anxious. He is very open to be honest and generally tells me everything (even the stuff I don't need to know).

I've just read all that back and he really comes across as a strange child!

[marne2]

Lucy, your ds sounds just like my dd1, she was diagnosed with AS at 4 years old, we had her assessed due to extreme phobias at the time, tbh her diagnosis hasn't made much difference, she copes well at school other than the anxiety and the constant talking, she's very bright ( top of the class ) but does drive her friends nuts with the constant talking which she can't seem to control, she's quirky and doesn't tend to like what the other girls in her class like, most of her friends are boys, she goes up to high school next year .

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

Lucy this all rings a lot of bells to me too - I was very bright and very chatty/extroverted but also very nervous. I am sure I have read that those things often go hand in hand in kids. The intrusive thoughts your DS describes are very common anxiety symptoms - I even still occasionally get them.

My little bro was exactly the same - was still getting into my mum's bed in the night till he was at least 12! We've both turned out fine - high-achieving with good relationships etc. Still sensitive and a little highly-strung sometimes though but no worse for it.

lucy maybe it would be worth seeking some support/assessment through school or the GP if DS doesn't seem to feel better in the short-ish term? but in the meantime I hope you won't worry too much - it's totally understandable that he feels anxious - and it shows what a caring little soul he is. Your DS - and your DD marne - both sound like sweet, lovely kids and they will turn out brilliantly I am sure.

[givemushypeasachance]

Just another post reiterating that those kinds of anxieties aren't all that unusual - when I was a kid I used to lie in bed planning escape routes if the house caught on fire, and if my parents went off to the shops and I stayed home I'd find myself worrying about getting a phone call saying they'd been in a car crash. I used to think I could see 'faces' in the patterned wallpaper and didn't like walking past my parents' room if the door was open because I thought there were monsters in there. Think it's a combination of having an imaginative mind but also a prone to nervousness and insecurity type personality - you find yourself thinking up so much more to worry about, and often in great detail and depth!

I found I coped best by rationalising my way through the fears and worries - like with the fire escape planning. I still didn't like thinking about the house catching on fire, but at least I had planned out in my mind what I'd do if it happened. At least that helps with the real world fears.

[Selks]

OP, it's good that he's opened up to having 'strange thoughts', the 'strange thoughts' are what's called intrusive thoughts, everyone gets them about random different things, they just pop into our heads uninvited and they are just our brains thinking random things. The important thing to know about intrusive thoughts is that THEY ARE NOT REPRESENTATIVE OF WHAT WE REALLY FEEL OR BELIEVE...and having them DOES NOT MEAN WE ARE A BAD PERSON.... They are just random daft thoughts that just happen and everyone gets them.

If you can help him understand the above, you can help him worry less about getting the thoughts. If he finds random intrusive thoughts popping into his head help him to develop skills in not being concerned, help him think 'oh those silly intrusive thoughts, never mind, they don't mean anything and they will go soon'.

[Lucyccfc]

Thank you so much everyone.

You have all put my mind at rest.

Selks - just had a conversation with him about random/intrusive thoughts. He was amazed that they are completely normal and he's got a big grin on his face now. He used to look so ashamed when he admitted having them. I never thought to tackle it like that - I just used to get him to try and replace the words with other daft phrases. He said that didn't work.

I perhaps just need to chill out a bit.

[Groovester]

Bach flower remedies. Buy the one called Peace. A few drops in his drinks.
It really helped to calm my son who although younger than yours, was experiencing similar fears.

[Selks]

Oh that's lovely to hear, Lucy! Bless him. Intrusive thoughts are often a real source of worry, because we all tend to assume that nobody else gets them and that they must mean something bad about us. So glad to have been able to help

The thing is it doesn't 'matter' that he gets these thoughts, he doesn't need to try to replace them with other thoughts (that actually risks keeping the anxiety going), he just needs to let them be and not be concerned about them, and they will pass. As he gets more and more used to not being concerned about them he will actually notice them less anyway.

[partyskirt]

When I was young I had a fantastic story-tape called The Eighteenth Emergency. It was about a worried kid who thought up eighteen different improbable emergencies like 'Crocodile attack' and went through how to survive/defeat them, but ultimately he had to face his real fear which was the bullies at school. It was fantastic and my siblings all loved it too. It was cheerful and uplifting, and gave an age-appropriate way in to the anxious way of thinking.

[marne2]

If anyone's a member of Zulily ( or even if your not ), they are selling toys on there today that are called 'worry pals' ( or something similar to that ), they are teddies with a big zip as a mouth, kids write their worries down and feed it to the teddy. They are quite funky and shaped like monsters, I have ordered on for dd1 for Christmas.