Rewarding good behaviour with food

[rubles]

Although very loving, my childminder has a different attitude to food to me. I feel like I keep having to ask her to do/not do things and it makes me uncomfortable.

What do you all think about rewarding good behaviour with food? (like biscuits etc - junk food). Am I over reacting?

The first time she did it, she got dd a biscuit for putting her coat on without a fuss - I was so taken aback that I didn't react at the time. (IMO putting a coat on without fuss is baseline good behaviour anyway, not something that deserves a special reward). Then yesterday it turns out that she got a reward of a chocolate milk for waiting patiently at the doctors. What do you all reckon to this?? The thing is that I don't give dd things like chocolate or biscuits generally - she has a bit if we are eating something like that in front of her, but we rarely do.

I asked her not to reward good behaviour with food as I feel it fetishises junk food and makes it extra extra special for dd. I also don't want her to associate food with approval and love. I also think that it is completely unnecesary to reward her in that way as she would have been just as happy with a special trip to the swings. But when I said these things she was looking at me like I was from outer space. I could see she really didn't get it, although she said she was happy to do as I asked.
I felt such a middle class meanie mum that I was asking myself afterwards if I was making a fuss out of nothing.
I have then started to think, that may I am the one who might pass on issues with food to dd??

[Callisto]

I wouldn't approve either rubles and so what if we are middle class?. The bottom line though is that you are (probably) shelling out pots of money for your employee to look after your dd to your rules and regulations. It is your childminders problem if she is incapable of understanding simple instructions not yours. You certainly will be passing on your 'issues' about food to your daughter - good ones like McD's are crap and bad for the environment etc etc.

[CountessDracula]

I reward my dd with home-made ice lolliesc

[Kathy1972]

I do it with dh.

[docket]

I don't think you are making a fuss over nothing, as you say, food does not equal approval and love3.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Hmm, I brought up the "food is not a reward" and "food is not love" thing on another food thread recently, and there are mixed feelings about it.

I certainly do not go in for "be good, then you can eat crap" as a parenting policy.

[sandradee]

I'm sorry gys but rewarding children with food or with anything like that is just setting yourself up for a big fall. Let's face it if they expect food everytime they do something good they will be as fat as a house and have an even bigger problem with food.

What's wrong with a chart with stars to stick on like the good old fashioned way or something like that.

Sorry if this sounds harsh.

[Sugarmag]

The bottom line here is that your childminder should respect your wishes.

But yes, for the most part, I agree with you about not using food as a reward. I do it very occassionally but only for realy unusual situations like a trip to the hospital or something, not, like you said, for things that you consider baseline good behaviour.

On the other hand, I wouldn't dream of taking the kids to Asda for the weekly shopping (1 to 1 1/2 hours) without bringing a snack along, knowing that that will help keep the peace and keep them cooperative. I suppose its a subtle difference between that and "If you put your coat on I'll give you a biscuit" but I do see a difference.

[CountessDracula]

Well I have a star chart, if she goes to bed well 3 days in a row and gets 3 stars she gets a big cuddle and lots of praise and a home made ice lolly

Can't see the prob with that tbh

[Callisto]

Rewarding good behaviour with food just seems so lazy to me.

[sandradee]

I'm with you on this Countess Dracula. Of course there is nothing wrong with a snack fora journey etc etc but to outright reward children with food everytime is not a good policy.

I think that there is a definite difference between "if you are good then perhaps you might be allowed a sweetie" and "do this and you will get this biscuit". Kids are not stupid either - before long you would be giving them food for everything they do.

My advice for what it's worth rubles is stick to your guns and if your childminder disagrees and carrys on then move childminders. And never feel guilty for what you believe in.

[CountessDracula]

I think rewards only work if they are a while coming

Why would you reward a child for putting their coat on anyway?

[Blu]

Nope - I think it ups the ante of the food too much and makes chocs etc too 'desirable'. I don't do 'if you eat this you can have pudding' for the same reason...but plenty of people do and it works for them.

I think children are able to understand different rules in different places - they do it soon enough at school - so I wouldn't worry too much if your CM has an 'in place' system that works- if you never do it at home, dd will never expect a biscuit at home for putting on her coat.

[sandradee]

Sorry, Blu, although I can see where you are coming from, I disagree. If it makes Rubles uncomfortable then I don't think it should be allowed to happen.

As a parent I would not want anyone else doing things that I don't do myself. Consistency is really important and it will get to the stage where you will be having to argue why they get it in one place and not the other.

[Blu]

WEll obviously if Rubles doesn't like it, she is perfectly entitled to discuss it with the Cm (as she has done) and ask for her to stop. I agree with Rubles that it 'fetishises' food, so I don't use it as a reward - but my personal response is that I don't necessarily think it will do a great deal of harm in a setting away from home.

[mojomummy]

Rubles, I'm with you - bribery with yukky biscuits - not going to do anyone any good. That said we gave DD some (green & black) choc when she told us she need a poo in the car. Took a while for us to break that !

Good to have & appreciate decent food ( I'm with the homemade lollies) but don't do it for good behaviour.

Callisto Good point & food isn't love - something I have to remind my mother

[blueshoes]

It has never occurred to me to offer food as a reward. Then again, it is not my style to link good behaviour with rewards. Only used a sticker chart for potty training, but that stopped as soon as dd got it.

I agree that rewarding with food (esp junk) glorifies it somewhat. My dd is not one for sweets or puddings (just never was). But when nursery offered her a lollipop for sitting on the potty, suddenly she got interested in lollipops. Lost interest again once it stopped being linked as a reward.

[Enid]

honestly, look after your child yourself if you are going to get so het up over it.

Personally I dont give a stuff about rewarding good behaviour with food, dd1 gets a chocolate bar if she does 5 days reading homework well, dd2 gets a bag of magic stars randomly if I feel like it, and I have given choc biscuits as bribes on more than one occasion.

If you are employing a childminder she may have other children to look after and must be allowed to do some things 'her way', after all. She is not you and must not be expected to be a carbon copy of you. your dd will understand that - she gives choc as a reward, you don't, simple.

[Enid]

lol at 'green and blacks'

like thats any different to biscuits

[Twiglett]

don't approve of food as rewards ...

[Bozza]

I think blu is right about the one rule in one place thing. sandradee I think you are over-emphasising the need for consistency. IMO the greatest need for consistency is between the CMs mindees. So if one child gets food for a reward at home and another doesn't where does that leave the CM?

[FrannyandZooey]

I don't think it matters if the childminder agrees with you or not as long as she follows your wishes, which she says she's happy to do. I agree with you for what it's worth.

If you feel strongly about this sort of issue you might do better trying a nanny. They tend to be more clued up on middle class paranoia :) and also are more of an employee IYKWIM so you can dictate what happens to your child more effectively, whereas the CM is more providing a service which you choose to take up, if you like her child care style.

[sandradee]

What has all this got to do with middle classness? Why should rewarding with food be a lower class option?

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

From ds1's school report:

"Our objective at the last review was to extend the range of I want requests to incorporate both food and non-food items. Non-food requests have proved extrememely problematic. There are at present very few motivators for ds1. The things he will get out of bed for as it were. He wil find things amusing/interesting for a brief while but consistent exchanges and consisten interest/amuesment do not emerge. What made him laugh yesterday will not get him going today. This is a conclusion shared by class, home and the speech team......
.....Food by contrast is a motivator and ds1 is prepared to make a complete shopping list strip for his breakfast club choice"


Sometimes you have no choice but to reward with food (and then you find that actually in the great scheme of things it isn't that big a deal). It isn't always quite so simple as just giving something else as a reward (if your child doesn't actually like anything else).

If you really can't bear the thought of your child being rewarded with food then tbh I would get a nanny. In a nursery or CM situation then if they use food as a reward (and ds2's nursery does- they have a treat box), then your dd will see other children being rewarded and want to be as well.

[Enid]

lol @ 'middle class'