what constitutes a good enough mum?

[Logansmum]

I have been lurking and reading for a good long while now and finally decided I would post a question. I have read over and over that it is impossible to be the perfect mum and all that you need to achieve is being a "good enough mum". I am thinking that the obvious things like
Food and water
Warmth and shelter
Non abusive environment come under this title but wonder where the line is eg:
Is giving your child 30-60 minutes one on one a day good enough?, Is giving your child a diet that sometimes includes crisps and soda good enough?
What I want to ask is what are your personal standards in order to feel good enough?

For me if at the end of the day I can say yes to the following then I feel that I am doing good enough not to scar my son for life...

#Have told him at least one thing he is doing well

#Have spent some one on one time doing what he wants to do

#Have tried my best to keep him feed and watered

#Have showed/ or told him that he is loved

Many days I do things orientated around me instead of around him, I dont always offer challenging and interesting things for him to do and he at times gets frustrated and bored. I work part time just for me not because I have to or we need the money but because I need to have space from him and adult time etc etc.

I sometimes look on here and think maybe I am not doing good enough, maybe my idea of good enough is wrong, there seems to be so many people on here that manage so much more and seem to be able to read their children so well and respond so appropriately and only ever have time to themselves when their child is asleep.

So I ask you what are your standards and are mine terribly lapse and neglectful?

Logan is 15mths.

[suzywong]

We'll let you know in 15 years time

Logan hasn't mugged any of us = you're doing fine

[Logansmum]

erm thanks would still like to know peoples thoughts on this though?

[MerlinsBeard]

my aim is that they are happy thats all. Keep it simple or u will drive urself crazy trying to do "the right thing".

Fed and watered goes without saying really so i never inculde that. I try to give my boys quality time one to one but if they don't want it i don't beat myself up over it either.

[Logansmum]

thanks, quite hard to judge if my boy is happy as he is quite 'fragile' iykwim and it doesnt take much to upset him, however I dont know thta changing what I do or dont do would change that iykwim.

[Coolmama]

Hi Logansmum - my DS is the same age as your lo and I used to worry about the same things - I think that the most important things are the things you are already doing ie food, etc . With regards to all the rest, it is very difficult to do, but don't use anybody else's parenting as a yardstick for what you should be doing - you are not them and do not have the same children - it is a good way to get an idea of how other mums do things, but is only an idea, not some plan you have to follow or else...
Also, you recognise when your lo is bored etc which means that you are actually quite well-tuned to him, so don't beat yourself up about that at all!
And lastly, there are some admirable women who do put their children first 24 hrs a day - I am not one of them - my DS is learning that although I love him with everything I have, he is not the centre of my world and if I am cooking, doing dishes or whatever, he needs to give mummy 10 mins of time -
I feel that in the long run, that makes me a better mum as I am then able to spend time playing building blocks or whatever other mindnumbingly boring activity he wants to do -
So, quite frankly, forget everybody else's standards and ask yourself if what you are doing is "good enough" for your lo - that is all that matters -

[gothicmama]

good enough means trying to be perfect but accepting that things can left for a while it means not being totally a perfect mum but also not being totally selfish

[handlemecarefully]

Basically encouraging them, making the feel supported and loved and not leaving them emotionally scarred (controlling your anger etc)

[beansprout]

Everyone's standards are different. Your standards would fall short for some but might "exceed" others. This is not paid employment - we don't have quality standards!!

[FairyMum]

I am sure there will be some government directives soon:)

I think as long as your child is healhty and happy then it's all fine. It's easy to feel a bit insecure when it's your first child and he is still very young. I also think it's not only up to YOU. Sometimes when you read MN you might feel it's only about child-mother relationship because it's a website for mums. But you have to look at the whole picture.

[AngelaD]

For me good enough means getting everyone clean, dressed and to school on time and then home again, fed, clean and into bed at an appropriate time. Anything else is a bonus !!

[Piggiesmum]

Sometimes I think that no matter what we do, we will always wonder if it's good enough.

I constantly feel unsure about how much time I should be spending with ds (8 months) and how long I should just leave him to learn/explore on his own. I don't want to neglect him but also don't want to be in his face all the time.

However when he smiles and laughs at me I know I must be doing something ok.

[AtterySquash]

For me it's:

• try to ensure they eat a reasonable diet
  
• try to ensure they go to sleep at a reasonable time (not an easy one with my 6-year-old ds)
  
• spend some time doing something they want to do
  
• let them know that I love and adore them (but also that I can't be with them 24/7 or always do what they want)
  
• try to ensure they're respectful towards others
  
• let them know i think they've done something fantastic.
  

But to be honest, it's a rare day when I manage to do all those things!

[Tortington]

for me its hearing my son (13) say to his friends " no am not coming out becuase i am playing tennis with my family"
(in the garden)
coor - how ded cool was that!

do we like each other for the most part? never mind all this happy stuff and all the love stuff. but do we like each other.

i think we do. therefore i think am more than a good enough mum.

and we ate microwave popcorn and watched big brother OMG i've just made them obese and social fuckwits.....

perspective on life i think is whats needed - you can have all the things which constitute being a perfect mother - but had any fun lately? laughed with your kids? wanted to be around them?

ok am full of smugness ( AMONGST OTHER THINGS) today was a good day me thinks

[LadySherlockofLGJ]

Custy


If my Ds is doing that at your Ds's age I will be happy.

[katiebl]

Logansmum - worrying about whether your child is happy enough, that you do enough etc shows that you are a good mum cos you obviously want the best for your child.
Unfortunately part of being a parent is worrying all the time. TO be your standards seem really good. You may feel that your life is organised around you, but look at what you spend your day doing by whats on your list. Is there something else besides reading mn that has made you worry? I got really upset when my auntie made comments about me not being a SAHM.
Everyone needs some adult time to themselves - its what keeps you sane!

I hope you start feeling more confident soon - you sound as if you are a really good mum

[ScummyMummy]

Sob- I can't play tennis so will never be a good enough mum like custy.
Logansmum you sound like you are doing fine to me.

Personally I feel especially virtuous when we do stuff together as a family and all enjoy ourselves, when I manage to stand firm against pestering or deal well with whingy whiny bickering, and also when I lose it but make myself laugh and start again in the process which happens quite alot. On the other hand I feel especially non virtuous when I get to the end of a day and realise I've spent more of the day than not thinking that one of other of them is an irritating little oik. I'm fairly forgiving of myself though- my threshold for good enough is quite low and therefore I pass.:)

[saadia]

Good enough for me means all the obvious things -
love, healthy food, water, sleep, keeping clean, reading, playing, guiding, disciplining, teaching, (not necessarily all on the same day!) but also enjoying them and connecting with them and trying to get onto their wavelength - in the case of my dss this means joking around and being a bit silly sometimes in the ways that they enjoy eg ds2 (2) loves it if you call him by other peoples' names while ds1 (4) nowadays keeps asking me stories about when I was little.

logansmum you say your ds sometimes gets bored - personally I think it's good for kids to sometimes be bored as this prompts them to develop their own resources. I also don't think they need constant stimulation etc. Your standards sound perfectly fine to me and probably higher than a lot of peoples'.