Please tell me it's not so bad...

(65 Posts)
Gingerandcocoa Sat 09-Feb-13 21:21:40

I've come to the parenting board because I want to hear from people who have children from different ages...

I've been wanting to start a family with DH for ages, but now we're nearly ready to TTC and I'm scared I'm "throwing away" the best years of our lives. We're around 30 y/o, professionals with good salaries, lovely flat, good social life. I want to have a baby and don't want to leave it too late.

But then I read here about how tiring and terribly difficult children are, about mums not having time to brush their teeth, tantrums, crying, strained marriages as a result, more crying, messy houses, lack of sleep, -and yes more crying.

Is it worth it, though?? Not at the end, but throughout it all, do you ever regret it??? Are there "easy" children who are not much work at all??? Basically I'm just hoping someone will tell me there's hope and that motherhood will be a GOOD thing!!!!

Jayne266 Sat 09-Feb-13 21:28:34

Am hoping no one will say that they regret it, yes it's hard I am only in the first year of it all and I am tired and haven't cut my hair since before he was born and sometimes eat terribly. But my DS is nearly 7 months and when he wakes me up at 4.30am! And I look over to him he smiles and giggles and you find the strength.

I know it's going to get harder for me as some people have said. But I wouldn't change a thing he's lovely and hard work but I wouldn't change a thing.

Another thing to mention is it gets hard with your DP and you really discover much more about them (hopefully good) but try to communicate and be honest with each other.

NatzCNLS Sat 09-Feb-13 21:32:51

You will never really know until you do it. You can hear a hundred different stories, but your children will be unique, and your experiences will always be slightly different!

I have 3 DD's, Im 32 and gave up my career (which I hated so wasn't a big issue for me) to have our family. There are tears, tantrums, days that are over as quickly as they began, but every day is worth it - even the ones that you curse at all day and thank god that they are over! There are also lots of fantastic days and milestones that affect you like you could never imagine until that day happens, like the first smile, the babbling conversations of nonesense with your toddler, the potty training success and (I try to say this without crying) the first day at school!

I have loved having my children, they drive me insane some days, but they are fantastic little people and I loev them dearly, more than I thought I could. My house is never completely tidy, there is always washing to do, the toys have taken over the house, but I've mastered meal times, I have 3 children who sleep through the night, I am chef, referee, housekeeper, nurse, maid, teacher, friend and drill sargeant. I wouldn't change my life or my children for anything x

RubyrooUK Sat 09-Feb-13 21:37:40

I have a two year old. The one thing I can say is I never regret his existence. Never.

Yes, parenting is a pain in the arse at times. Unless you're a saint, sometimes it will get you down. DS was/is a terrible sleeper, is incredibly stubborn and wilful and he can be very whiny. I wouldn't say I find him easy.

But when he says that he loves me and comes to me for a cuddle, I feel like the most important person in the world.

In essence, I would say I am the same person I was before having DS in terms of personality and so on, just with this amazing bonus life project that obsesses me.

(Still tired though. grin)

BusyTiredAndLoveIt Sat 09-Feb-13 21:40:32

Your life completely changes with a child. And if you wrote the changes on paper then it would probably put you off having dc.

But let me tell you, I could write lists and lists of bad things, worries, sleepless nights, tiredness, housework, relationship going through stress, money worries, worries about school, health, diet, teeth, clothes, what to dress them in, if they're warm enough...........I could honestly go on.

But I would never, ever choose to be with no dc now I have 3. Ever.

I have a love for them I never knew existed. They are the most beautiful, perfect things to grace this earth (obvs in my opinion wink)

Motherhood changes your perspective on life in general. And you realise that really, there's not really much that's very important at all.

Misty9 Sat 09-Feb-13 21:42:08

I think it's good to go into it with your eyes open, well done. I was 30 when we had ds (now 17mo) and had just finished a gruelling three year training course and gotten married. Ds was a little earlier than planned (!) and it's fair to say I have struggled to adjust - not helped by awful breast feeding issues for the first 3 months of his life. I went from one all consuming occupation to another!

I confess I have regretted having a child (not ds in particular) on occasion (and I don't think this should be as taboo as it seems to be) and yearned after the life I was looking forward to leading after my training. BUT, we've just spent all day in hospital with ds after being rushed in with breathing difficulties and I would have done anything to take his fear and pain away and love him with all my heart.

Worth it? Difficult to quantify IMO, but he brings a lot of joy and pleasure to our lives and its been amazing seeing my dh transform into the most amazing father imaginable. Our relationship has strengthened I believe, and their relationship is fantastic.

Crying, yes, lots (from all concerned!), tired? Yes, but he now sleeps through and the early days seem a lifetime ago (prob why we're ttc again!). I see pregnant women and can now see why I was told so often to 'make the most of it' when pregnant myself! But, in reality that means little until you have your bundle of joy so I'd say, if you feel you've travelled as much as you want and enjoyed your lives together, then go for it - and experience the ride of your life!

Excuse the rambling...I'm a tad knackered after today. Good luck

Zappo Sat 09-Feb-13 21:44:53

It is hard. One not so much but two is in my experience very challenging (as you get all the noise and fighting).

My first baby was very difficult but amazingly I coped with almost everything she threw at me. I didn't have an amazing career or fantastic social life so I didn't really miss anything. I could cope with being woken up several times a night and still go into work the next day. I didn't lose my cool for 3 years.

Then the second one arrived and I found it all very stressful but I'd built this huge bond with my first baby and having a sibling was so hard for her.

Some days I really think I'm going mad. I wouldn't be without either of them though.

I don't regret having a child, I sometimes regret having two but I think it's getting better and I don't regret them as individuals.

In all honesty it is a very different life and quite a rollercoaster (the highs are amazing, the lows are terrible). Expect to lose a lot of your freedom in the first 5 years but when they start school, you'll get a bit more back again.

BusyTiredAndLoveIt Sat 09-Feb-13 21:45:33

How's baby Misty? Hope he's getting better quickly.

Signet2012 Sat 09-Feb-13 21:49:28

I'm only 5 months in so not very experienced. I had similar concerns to you.

It's completely worth it and I'm surprised to say that now Nothing matters except her. Literally. It's bizarre but all my other worries don't even register on my radar.

I've gone from actively pursuing a career and moving up and up to stepping down from my role to two levels below my current level. I just do not want the responsibility and extra work, I would sooner be skint but have time to do what I want with dd.

I used to work 70 hours a week and was permanently on call and was ready for another promotion.

Since having dd I just thought screw it

She is really my proudest achievement and I can't wait to spend her childhood with her.

JumpHerWho Sat 09-Feb-13 22:00:37

It's utterly amazing. I had a fab career, fab social life and all sorts of interests before DS but nothing compares.

Have you heard the cheesy saying that being a parent is like having a little piece of your heart walking around? That is 100% true. I look at DS (just starting to toddle) and I live him so much my heart could break. Yes it's hard work, but most proper, real, important stuff in this life is. Life has taken on another dimension, it feels like. It's like life 2.0 - before kids was fun and stuff, but this is waaay better! And yes it challenges your relationship, so does backpacking together, moving in together and other big stuff - but if your relationship is a good un then it will become so so much closer as you battle through the newborn fog and discover the new dimension of each other as a parent.

< wine >
< it may be a Saturday night but DS is snoring upstairs and DH is watching shit tv next to me, we're still us, with a little bonus human we made lying upstairs >

< more wine >

You know the love you have for your partner, how you don't think you'll lie anyone else that much? Wait til you meet your kids smile

RFLmum Sat 09-Feb-13 22:02:10

Is your work hard? I'm guessing as a 30 yr old professional it probably is. Make it twice as hard but 100 times more brilliant. That's what it's like. Enjoy!

Zappo Sat 09-Feb-13 22:03:44

Actually that's the other thing they never tell you- you'll love your child more than any man

JumpHerWho Sat 09-Feb-13 22:07:38

I worked in entertainment <obscure> and at the end of an event I'd come home, crash on the sofa and savour a glass of wine with a huge sense of achievement. Literally everyday is like that now smile that feeling I got of having worked hard, the adrenaline and the passion - that's every day with DS! Just go for it OP x

Gingerandcocoa Sat 09-Feb-13 22:40:05

You've all actually made me cry. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I feel a lot better!!!!

I guess it's just really scary, but then that's just what all the big things in life are like - going to uni, getting 1st job, getting married. I'm quite excited about it now!!! (and still a bit scared smile)

Thank you! xxx

Hassled Sat 09-Feb-13 22:44:26

I do feel for you - it's bloody terrifying and the truth is you're never going to feel ready. You can never logic your way into it, IYSWIM. The first year is a blur, but you get through it because you feel a love you didn't know you had in you. And no, I have never ever regretted having any of mine - all four are wonderful individuals.

Chandon Sat 09-Feb-13 22:48:51

It is scary, in case of doubt, I would say don't.

Only go for it if you really really want a child.

There has to be a desire overriding common sense ;)

Foggles Sat 09-Feb-13 22:56:46

I had DS1 at 30 years of age and DS2 a couple of years later.

The day I went into the maternity ward I thought "Oh, my god, what have I done! I'm not ready".

Yes, it's knackering at times and you will hear more of that on Mumsnet because parents will post when they need support.

But I have never regretted one single moment. They are grown up now (20 & 18) and my heart swells with love for them every day - as much as it did when they were babies.

And I am the least soppy person you would ever care to meet!!! grin

AmelieRose Sat 09-Feb-13 22:59:54

This is such a lovely thread smile

LilQueenie Sat 09-Feb-13 23:09:34

oh god how I struggled to maintain my fertility then to actually conceive via ivf. When she was born I couldnt bond with her or be in the same room. I had terrible anxiety being alone with her. She is so worth it. It is hard and she is an 'easy baby' Life will only throw at you what you can handle. And its supposed to be challenging. I also wouldnt leave it too late to decide as you never really know if you will have problems conceiving or not. With regards to career, you get 4/5 years with them until they start education. Its rather a short time really. can your career be put on hold for that length of time? I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

PoppyWearer Sat 09-Feb-13 23:11:36

I sat most of this evening reading MN on my phone as I cradled 18mo DC2 in my arms. He has a cough/cold and keeps waking up, then crawled into my arms in bed for a cuddle.

On the one hand, I was desperate to be back downstairs with DH drinking wine, chatting and watching crappy TV, or even having a soak in the bath (rare). I've got my period and I'm knackered, my body aches from childbirth (still) and my shoulders from pushing the pushchair.

On the other hand....it was the most beautiful cuddle in the whole world. My boy needed me, and I was here. He is now sleeping peacefully please let it be for a couple of hours this time.

Motherhood, it is the best of times, it is the worst of times.

PoppyWearer Sat 09-Feb-13 23:15:46

You really will love your child more than any man.

Yes, you will.

That cheetah who chases the lions away from her cubs? That's you. It's primal, and it's an amazing feeling.

Tolly81 Sun 10-Feb-13 00:16:38

I'm a professional in my early 30s and I've just gone back to work part-time after having my dd (now 9 months). She is a pretty easy baby - jolly, good natured, fed well, sleeps ok (sometimes better than others but not badly at any rate), no major health issues but even so parenting is hard work. And knowing that some babies are "easier" than others is no comfort if you don't happen to get an easy one! Even then she still gets colds/has teeth coming through when she's miserable quite a lot, cries and sleeps badly. But she is absolutely 100% the love of my life. I love dh but I literally adore my baby. I don't mind being back at work - it is a hard and stressful job, but I like having people ask my advice, bring involved in a difficult case etc., but when I'm at work I miss her so much I cannot believe. I look at pictures of her on my phone when I eat my lunch. On my way home I literally cannot wait to see her again and when she sees me her face lights up and she holds her arms out. It is amazing to think that I am the centre of this beautiful baby's world. I think having a baby as a professional gives an amazing sense of perspective - you don't sweat the small stuff so much. It also stops you being self-centered. However I absolutely knew I wanted to have children whereas it doesn't sound like you are as sure, and I imagine the hard stuff would be even harder if you weren't fairly certain that parenthood was something you wanted to do. I'm sure you wouldn't regret it though.

QTPie Sun 10-Feb-13 01:07:51

To a lesser or greater extent, parenting is what you make of it: you can have a child and have a lot of control over what you do or don't do (whether you keep working, how much of your social life you keep up etc). But, unless ou are quite seriously rich, you will notice a lot of changes.

DS is 3 (we are trying for DC2 - IVF starts this month) and I am finding this age really quite challenging (he is a late speaker, but accelerating now and getting incredibly demanding and independent...). I am finding this harder than the previous 3 years. There are lots and lots of boundary pushing (and DS comes up with 500 shades of each boundary push hmm ) and quite a lot of disagreements... sad. I think it will improve in time...

I have:
- never returned to work.
- always have a very tidy and clean house (well after DS is in bed)
- work out 4/5 times a week.
- still do long haul holidays (just returned from almost 3 weeks away in LA and Colorado - DS spent an hour a day, for 10 days, learning to ski)
- our social life is rather sad. Partly because of lack of enthusiasm to do much by the time we get to the evening, partly because of personal lack of babysitters (no capable family who live locally)
- DH and I have a very good relationship, but would be better if we had more opportunity to go out together without DS.

I would always say that life is richer for DS (and I would like another one!), but it does tend to take over most of my life (well pretty much all of it for the first 10/12 months...).

Only you can decide if/when you are ready, but don't leave it too late. I always said "babies before 30". Started trying at 34, DS was born just before my 36th birthday. Started TTC DC2 when I was just 38, realised that it wasn't going to happen naturally and DS's starting IVF/ICSI at just 39. I am beginning to feel old! Pregnancy, birth and running around after very active little boys is a young person's job...

QT

Thingiebob Sun 10-Feb-13 10:10:38

I don't regret having my daughter.

Being a parent is amazing, but with amazing comes the downside. I know some women get very miserable at how their life has changed and the lack of freedom. I look at my daughter and I think 'why on earth would I prefer clubbing all hours to her?' They are totally worth it.

Gingerandcocoa Sun 10-Feb-13 14:02:14

I appreciate all of your answers!

It's funny because I never even considered not having children, and never understood people who didn't want any! Now that the time is approaching, I think I am just getting cold feet, and do now understand people who are childless by choice! But I have not changed my mind, I really can't wait to have a baby, but find it terrifying........

I really enjoy my job, but my career is not my life.... so I think I would be more than happy to go part time afterwards smile!!

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